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OP here! I can't believe this got posted. Moreover, I can't believe I forgot to log in. *facepalm* For those commenting about there being no such thing as an empty Wal-Mart parking lot, it was the rarely-used back lot where virtually no one goes. So it was deserted enough for a rookie's practice.

Licence to drive

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 06:19 - Australia

Today, after failing my learner's licence twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mum's car into an old lady's fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 603

You deserved it 37 953

Stranger danger

By Dani - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 335

You deserved it 2 690

By Tyler - 03/08/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 071

You deserved it 3 272

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 105

You deserved it 5 870

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 21:10 - Lebanon

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 416

You deserved it 5 006

By ellen77 - 13/09/2013 05:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I had to babysit two kids. It all went well until one of them duct taped a knife to a toy machine gun, lit the barbecue on fire, and ran around like a wild banshee screaming obscenities. The other one got scared and climbed onto the roof of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 047

You deserved it 5 433

By strawberrywine22 - 28/09/2012 02:14 - United States - Torrance

Today, my husband of five years left me for a woman ten years older than himself who lives nine hours away. He met her online two weeks ago while playing Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 928

You deserved it 2 697

strawberrywine22 tells us more.

strawberrywine22 30

Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:57

OP here :) No, I'm NOT a terrible wife. I had a situation that caused sex to be very painful for me, so we weren't doing it very much. He got frustrated, this ***** started chatting with him. I moved in with my parents, and two weeks later he ended it with her (without even meeting her in person yet) realizing that it was his sexual frustration talking. We are back together and working things out, which is easier now that I've been to the doctor and had my situation taken care of. Thanks for the sympathy, and a big FECK OFF to the haters ;)

By Acneface - 28/06/2009 00:55 - France

Today, I got my hair done, eyebrows waxed, and a new expensive dress to impress my boyfriend. When I got home I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. He looked at me for one minute before asking, "Did you finally start using Proactive?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 182

You deserved it 5 817

By Anonymous - 07/08/2012 14:49 - United States

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 695

You deserved it 3 072

Awkward small talk

By I Feel Horrible - 20/07/2014 17:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 197

You deserved it 9 477

By thisiswhyimsingle - 14/09/2015 05:17 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 164

You deserved it 3 502

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 344

You deserved it 3 570

Pants on fire

By Jamie - 04/04/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was at working at Burger King as a cashier. A girl I met last night came in and said, "Aren't you that guy from last night?" Last night, I had told her I was going to medical school and was going to be a doctor in less than a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 444

You deserved it 154 604

By dole_dosser - 27/07/2015 05:35 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I decided to start jogging to keep fit. I was passed about ten times by the same car, carrying four bozos whose vocabulary consisted only of, "TITTIES!" and copious amounts of giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 306

You deserved it 2 165

dole_dosser tells us more.

dole_dosser 13

Monday 27 July 2015 21:10

I tend to walk my dog at night, when there are fewer distractions and prejudiced people around to have to deal with. I like to think she keeps the shady figures away when she stops and growls as we pass dark alleys and side passages.