Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for... - FML

By say my name - 01/07/2012 01:35

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 263

You deserved it 11 361

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

Lockdown blues

By Anonymous - 24/03/2014 06:56 - United States

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 984

You deserved it 5 877

Observational comedy

By JackOLantern2099 - 17/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 434

You deserved it 335

By Anonymous - 21/07/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 958

You deserved it 306

By experience_to_get_experience - 21/09/2015 19:09 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 334

You deserved it 3 016

By proudparent - 07/12/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 346

You deserved it 6 670

By CB - 19/11/2009 01:30 - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 944

You deserved it 2 478

Bad start

By Tripp - 14/07/2019 14:00

Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 556

By broke_kid - 03/01/2010 13:18 - United States

Today, I noticed white stuff in my colored clothes as I transferred them from the washer to the dryer. That's when I realized that the white stuff is my paycheck which I had put in my pants earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 087

You deserved it 14 968

Jealousy

By princess_stabitty - 01/08/2020 08:01

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 532

You deserved it 163

Body Positivity

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 04:03

Today, after going through a major weight loss and change of lifestyle to better my confidence and health, I now have saggy thighs, arms and boobs, a deflated ass, two inches of hanging stomach, and have realized just how unsymmetrical my face is. Oh, and my physical health has never been worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 199

By Anonymous - 09/02/2011 05:19 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 072

You deserved it 6 416

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 13:04 - Malta

Spicy

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196 150

You deserved it 34 586

My brain and I

By Anonymous - 22/10/2021 08:00

Today, it’s late and I’m so tired, I’m not even able to read a book anymore, or walk around without bumping into things. Yet apparently, my brain still doesn't consider this a sign that we should fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 65

By stick - 20/10/2009 16:05 - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 329

You deserved it 171 713

By perfectmoment - 30/11/2009 00:47 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend to have a shoulder to cry on because my grandpa died. As soon as I told him, he started crying and telling me how much he missed his grandmother, who died six years ago. I spent the majority of the phone call listening to him wail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 487

You deserved it 5 972

By bob7654 - 11/11/2016 02:44 - United States - Arlington

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 185

You deserved it 2 087

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 09/01/2014 00:53 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 664

You deserved it 38 940

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 170

You deserved it 2 858

Medicare for all

By US_Healthcare_Sucks - 30/07/2021 14:01

Today, I went to a doctor's appointment, being concerned about some abnormal swelling and soreness in one of my testicles. They fondled my balls for 20 seconds before saying, "Yeah, that's abnormal. You should probably go get an ultrasound somewhere and maybe take some ibuprofen for the pain. That'll be $265." FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 74

By Random dog owner - 28/01/2017 22:00

Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 318

You deserved it 684

By farf - 20/05/2015 18:47

Today, I received 46 emails from co-workers who were using reply-all to tell everyone else not to use reply-all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 214

You deserved it 2 029

By Anonymous - 04/10/2013 05:04 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 761

You deserved it 4 937

Sounds like a keeper

By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 08:08

Today, it's been a week since my boyfriend has touched me or even paid attention to me, because I refuse to buy him a car. I do everything for him and he owes me $3,000 already, but when I cried about using my savings on him, he said, "That’s not my problem.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 592

By nightfall8705 - 17/08/2017 19:30 - United States - Walhalla

Today, I had to make my boss believe that I was late to work because my sick dog shit all over my bedsheets and I had to clean up the mess before work. The truth is, I don't have a dog, and I wrongly trusted a long fart this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 296

You deserved it 1 117

Preference

By Windstar - 07/04/2009 07:32 - Canada

Today, my daughter ran up to a librarian working in the kids section and screamed "MOMMY!" and hugged her. She looked at her and said "I'm not your mommy." My daughters reply: "I know. But you're better than mommy" FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 765

You deserved it 7 939

By issy - 21/09/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 633

You deserved it 3 619

By stupid useless criminal - 21/11/2017 19:00

Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 484

You deserved it 536

The weirdos are reproducing

By pregz - 25/04/2013 00:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 126

You deserved it 4 376

By shitpile - 06/08/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. While on the 100ft slide, my father decided it would be a great idea to pants me. I slipped and went down the 100ft slide naked for everyone to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 386

You deserved it 4 034

By footstuck - 13/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Winterville

Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 453

You deserved it 12 577

By wow kid just leave me alone - 15/09/2012 00:03 - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 572

You deserved it 3 696

By clementine_k - 22/03/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 732

You deserved it 35 595

You helped her see the light

By losercancer - 23/04/2021 23:30 - Georgia

Today, my girlfriend left me, saying she'd started to appreciate herself more with the help of a therapist. That I paid for her to visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 188

By WartCream - 18/08/2013 00:27 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 593

You deserved it 4 824

By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 771

You deserved it 54 377

By EpicMayonnaise - 26/08/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 359

You deserved it 3 653

By Anonymous - 13/09/2012 17:46 - United Kingdom

Today, on our first holiday together, my boyfriend decided to spend his time reminiscing about having come here once with his ex. He then decided to go type up an email to her about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 120

You deserved it 2 192

By Stung - 19/06/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 013

You deserved it 6 703

By Anonymous - 08/12/2014 23:11 - United States - Falls Church

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 280

You deserved it 4 298

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:10

That's just sad.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:12

That us when he is supposed to ask "how do you spell that again?"

Comments

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:10

That's just sad.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:16

Sort of deserved that one. I do feel really sorry for you though.

xlord 27

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:26

that's actually creepy. how has op been in love with him for years and he not even know her name?

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:29

"Say my name, say my name. If no one is around you, say, 'baby I love you'"...anyone else think of Destiny's Child?

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:35

At least he didn't say his sister's name like another FML we know.

PrimeEvilTahir 24

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Sunday 1 July 2012 11:01

OP: "say my name" Guy: Baby... Honey... Sugar... Sweetie... Angel... Aw fuck it!

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 1 July 2012 12:03

this situation reminds me of the thundercats battle cry...

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Sunday 1 July 2012 12:20

@22 - it could be that OP was in love with him, but admiring him from a distance. They may have never spoken before today, who knows?

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Sunday 1 July 2012 14:39

Then how is that love? That's creepy stalker territory. You cant love someone you've never actually spoken to.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 15:20

Hopefully he gets a chance to pull out and run before he gets any deeper into that stink. FHL.

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Sunday 1 July 2012 15:38

Actually saying, "My name" might have gotten him out of it.

Oreohugzpenny 4

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Sunday 1 July 2012 15:58

24# I actually think of Rihanna and Drake.

mylifesucks_fml 1

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Sunday 1 July 2012 17:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 2 July 2012 3:31

68 - I see "loving someone" and "being in love with" as two different things. I've seen people who were head over heels with someone from their school, even if they had never talked. Hormones make people do crazy things :)

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:11

Poor gal.

doctorhook86 24

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Sunday 1 July 2012 14:18

I'm gonna take the controversial position and say YDI for not making sure about this before hopping in the sack with this douche.

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Monday 2 July 2012 4:53

What makes him a douche?

doctorhook86 24

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Monday 2 July 2012 5:10

116: Fucking a woman without even knowing her name. Not classy.

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Monday 2 July 2012 6:23

Now Samuel Jackson is a man full of class.

doctorhook86 24

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Monday 2 July 2012 7:33

Damn straight, Jared Allen.

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Monday 2 July 2012 8:42

That doesn't make him a douche, it makes him a man with low standards, or someone who has a horrible memory for names...

HollyDolly660 8

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 4:13

No... It still makes him a douche..

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 4:22

129 generally speaking, if you can't even be bothered to find out the name of the chick you're banging, you're probably a douche. That's just the way the world works. Sorry to burst your happy bubble :(

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:16

Yes, Captain Obvious, it probably did.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 11:45

no no, they casually went on fucking and let that awkward moment pass by

EverestMelting 23

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Sunday 1 July 2012 16:07

^^ That's what I would've done.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:12

That us when he is supposed to ask "how do you spell that again?"

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Sunday 1 July 2012 12:21

B.O.B

shahs 3

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Sunday 1 July 2012 17:32

^Your profile pic is perfect for that comment

TheUnholyApple 6

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Monday 2 July 2012 9:39

It's not that, he just can't figure out how to pronounce 'Spreme'.

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Monday 2 July 2012 12:22

53- haha please tell me you were referring back to the fml the other day?!

GweedSincE84_fml 15

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:13

Wow, that really sucks at lest he didn't call you by another name

GweedSincE84_fml 15

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:18

Let me correct myself (at least).

PerfasarusRex 3

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Sunday 1 July 2012 14:10

It's probably a little too early to have sex if he doesn't even know your name

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:13

Sounds like destiny's child is on its way

patrickalamo 47

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Sunday 1 July 2012 13:54

Say my name say my name

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Monday 2 July 2012 7:41

If no one is around you, say "baby I love you"

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:13

Love is a bitch

itssosparkly 21

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Sunday 1 July 2012 11:52

Yeah, because if it were a slut, it would be easy.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:14

that's a turn off..

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Sunday 1 July 2012 15:37

Maybe he knew her name, but was to busy in sex to remember at that exact moment?????

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Monday 2 July 2012 23:13

Hw would juu knw , have had sex with someone nd didn't knw there name at the moment # I'm juss saying

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 1 July 2012 10:17

Did you tell him or push him off?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 28

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 187

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 258