The Top

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God don't pay my bills

By Anonymous - 10/01/2023 00:00

Today, I told my fiancé that I don’t believe in God, so I won’t be going to church anymore because I’ll be picking up the Sunday shift at work. I don’t have a fiancé anymore because I’m, “a godless heathen who will burn for eternity.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 451

You deserved it 571

Get it on, get on with it

By WorkingBlind - 12/10/2021 23:00

Today, I was supposed to be working from home. Instead, I ended up taking the kids out to the park for the morning, because my wife “couldn’t even” today. When we got home, she had demolished two bottles of wine, and was masturbating to a home improvement show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 098

You deserved it 335

Call of the wild

By apeshit94 - 23/07/2020 08:03

Today, my husband accused me of cheating. What was I doing? Outside smoking a cigarette and getting caught peeing outside by my neighbor, because I was too drunk to realize I wasn’t in my bathroom on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 2 651

WintressSoldier37 tells us more.

WintressSoldier37 27

Thursday 23 July 2020 5:18

Hi! OP here. Just to clarify I’m not an alcoholic. Thanks for worrying there. Actually I just drank too much a few months after my mother in law, 14 year old dog and Aunt passed away. Just trying to take the edge off, I way overdid it. And my husband is grieving as well so I don’t blame him for jumping to conclusions, as I was outside for two hours chain smoking.

Chud's Diner

By Frany - 10/01/2023 22:00

Today, my now-ex boyfriend treated our waitress like shit. She was a young lady who just came from Venezuela and barely spoke English. He gave her no tip, ranted about “fixing this goddamn border problem” along with xenophobic slurs. Apparently, he’d forgotten I’m an immigrant too, from Colombia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 393

You deserved it 170

Noisy lover

By Foxy17 - 05/08/2020 05:01

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 168

Hide and Seek

By Hide -n- Seek - 16/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying, "Let's play Hide and Seek". Whoever left the note apparently took the wheels off my truck and scattered them. So far, I've found one in my pool, and two outside my neighbor's house. I still can't find the last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 548

You deserved it 182

Dramatic

By Tea'd off - 20/06/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I found out that I can no longer have tea, which I have been drinking for as long as I remember, because caffeine now gives me severe hyperthyroidism attacks. I don't know what it's like to watch your best friend die after having known each other for several decades, but I imagine this is a good analogy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 196

Weird accusation, lady

By wrong state for that shit - 22/08/2020 13:48 - United States

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 635

You deserved it 148

And they same romance is dead…

By celticschick - 31/08/2020 16:59

Today, I had an important staff meeting via Zoom. My boyfriend got home from work, walked through the door and shouted, "BABE! I'M READY TO GET MY D*** SUCKED!" I wasn't on mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 489

You deserved it 458

Empathy

By m0r0n - 24/09/2020 07:17 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I started crying at work because I talked to a patient who lost his wife. They were together for 64 years, I can't even get a guy to look at me for 64 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 904

You deserved it 347

m0r0n tells us more.

m0r0n 9

Wednesday 23 September 2020 21:46

My first FML ever published, thank you! I did have extreme empathy for the patient, I held his hand and told him how sorry I was. I had recently been divorced after leaving a 17 year marriage, to an alcoholic, only to be diagnosed with breast cancer a few months after. I don't think I'm unattractive, I just seem to get the wrong kind of attraction. Fast forward, I am now cancer free and maybe someday I'll find that special someone. Thanks for your votes and comments!

Who's there?

By messy jessy - 07/09/2020 20:01 - United States

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 1 770

Airhead

By Anonymous - 16/01/2022 02:01

Today, my husband is so useless that he forgot to pick our son up from my mother's, forgot to take our daughter to the doctor, forgot to buy some groceries we need, and after begging for another appointment with the doctor, he forgot what was wrong with our daughter (a massive rash) I despair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 839

You deserved it 378

It's the new craze!

By Peggy Peggerson - 09/10/2020 11:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 399

You deserved it 521

Nothing honey, nothing

By Anemity_is_my_name - 05/11/2020 05:02

Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 182

You deserved it 241

Loud and long

By Anonymous - 01/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I'm stuck with sleeping in the same room as my mother. The problem? Her snores are extremely loud and a full minute long. I'm not kidding, I timed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 856

You deserved it 153

You learn something new every day

By Ben - 12/11/2020 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and can't get medication to fix this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 815

Size Queen

By Jenson - 17/11/2020 20:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that being a good boyfriend who financially supports his girlfriend through university, has a good relationship with her family and even put myself at risk to care for her through a COVID infection, doesn’t matter because she prefers the guy she cheated with who has a bigger knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 999

You deserved it 197

By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 00:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 394

You deserved it 442

By Anonymous - 28/01/2019 18:00 - United States - Arcade

Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary is closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now everytime I pee, It not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 519

You deserved it 219

Classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 11:01

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 147

By emeraldapostle - 27/04/2019 00:00

Today, my grandfather scolded me for not wanting to go to my 12-year-old cousin's basketball game. This is the same grandfather that refused to go to my high school graduation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 225

You deserved it 156

Bad start

By Shamu - 20/04/2022 00:00

Today, after 4 years of being single, I decided to go back to the dating scene. I downloaded Tinder. My matches run for the hills as soon as I show them a full body pic of myself. One guy even told me to delete the app from my phone, because if “guys wanted to go whaling, they’d go out to sea.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 412

He studied the blade

By Anonymous - 29/06/2023 00:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my 9 year-old managed to break the padlock on my display cabinet, take out my entire sword collection, run to the garden making lightsaber noises, and bash them on trees and a stone wall. They are ruined. One of them has a crack that has damn near snapped it in two. I want to weep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 412

Unmatched

By Anonymous - 02/02/2021 02:01 - United Kingdom - Buckie

Today, my girlfriend of three months broke up with me. Her reason? I'm "not interesting." I said things that might have led to a conversation, she would say "yeah" to everything. She argued about stuff I said that she didn't like; called my mates cunts; didn't let me have female mates. All her mates are lads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 295

By Disconnected - 16/05/2017 12:00

Today, I found out that it is possible for someone else to cancel my Internet, TV and phone services in two days. However it'll take me 5 days, after 6 hours on the phone, to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 447

You deserved it 272

By tahneee - 31/05/2019 20:00

Today, I went to a function with my dad for a football team. Handing my dad the camera, I finally worked up the courage to ask for a photo with my favourite player. The guy was looking at my boobs in all three photo attempts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 759

You deserved it 242

By Anonymous - 07/06/2019 06:15

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 993

You deserved it 174

Benny Goodman classic

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 23:00 - United States

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, my husband was not in the mood for sex. He told me this while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 195

The joys of public transportation

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 04:56

Today, I was on the subway and there was a guy yelling, "Regret your sins and devote yourself to God right now." Another man got up from his seat and told him, "I work 12 hours a day and all I want is to go home and rest, you shut the fuck up or I'll make you meet God personally." FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 245

Breakdown

By JulesBlues - 09/07/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 934

You deserved it 379

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 602

You deserved it 11 329

Today, I was left at home alone while my friends went on a trip to Paris I paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 445

You deserved it 683

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 095

You deserved it 4 898

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 221

Today, I picked up my 5 year-old son for Christmas break. We were on the way to the airport, talking about Santa and what we were going to do over the break when my fiancée called to tell me that she had been exposed to Covid-19. I took him home to his mom's and missed my flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 484

Today, I'm more interested in Facebook stalking a former coworker than seeing what my girlfriend is doing on a business trip. On her birthday. For a week. Where she insisted on staying in her ex's spare bedroom. That she decorated for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 907