Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Fairytale ending

By jhulich - 24/12/2013 20:48 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I found out that my mom isn't coming to see me for Christmas. Instead she'll be spending it in jail for a DUI and battery. Thank you to my cocklick of an aunt for taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and pressuring her into relapse. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 05:00

With any luck, it'll be canceled

Today, I found out that my friends finally scheduled their wedding. The entire friend group of the groom, which I am part of, is in the wedding. Except me. If I go I’ll have to watch my boyfriend, who is a groomsman, walk down the aisle with one of the bride’s friends on his arm while I sit alone. FML

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By neverhealthy - 1/10/2019 02:01

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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By DarkChild - 11/2/2016 22:18 - France

Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML

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By botharebad - 13/3/2010 05:14 - Canada

Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment, when I came across a lacy black thong in the laundry. When confronted, he swore it was his. I don't know what's worse, the possibility that another woman left it there, or the idea that my boyfriend owns and wears women's lingerie. FML

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By GonnaGetFired - 31/3/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

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By cuntocracy - 21/1/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By pass me the fucking rope - 18/6/2016 13:17 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 07:39 - Australia - Balwyn North

Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By WhatTheFaf - 1/9/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

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By Monsieur-Madame - 31/5/2012 20:19 - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

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By TriedToHelp - 2/6/2019 14:05

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

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By owmyfoot - 24/2/2014 02:22 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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By M. Moore - 10/6/2019 18:00

Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

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By jobless - 10/3/2017 18:00

Today, I received a rejection e-mail from a potential employer I interviewed with. I asked for some feedback and they said I didn't seem interested. I had showed extensive interest, even brought up some of the company's recent events, and literally said, "I'm very interested in this position." FML

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By mulligan - 7/7/2016 17:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

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By loko0909 - 4/1/2016 04:57 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 00:01

A Different Kind of Tension

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with once before my current boyfriend. The guy told me he has chlamydia, and I should probably get tested. I had to call my boyfriend to explain what happened and tell him to get tested. I'm meeting his family this weekend at his sister's wedding. FML

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By GirlOnTheFly - 27/6/2012 04:20 - United States - Uniontown

Today, I was finally able to drive my brother's nice car instead of my clunker, because he left for college. First thing I do? Back into the neighbors' mailbox while exiting the driveway. FML

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By ihaveahome - 12/4/2011 16:02 - Czech Republic

Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2014 01:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

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By meowtickmeow - 12/3/2010 01:18 - United States

Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2015 10:33 - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By canadiansun - 26/2/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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By that guy - 6/2/2015 16:56 - United States - Atascadero

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

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By JackSteely - 22/12/2011 12:04

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

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By randommanwill - 16/2/2016 20:22 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 13:20 - Spain

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2015 19:35 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, I spent 5 hours organizing my porn collection on my computer. What the hell am I doing with my life? FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 17:57 - Norway - Haugesund

Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML

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By Fattie - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Malaysia

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

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By IAmACoolCat - 5/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

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By Mmm - 25/7/2015 10:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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By fckdorms - 9/5/2016 14:04 - United States - Columbia

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

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By Rob - 1/12/2009 06:57 - United States

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

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By missingno007 - 28/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Clarkesville

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

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By aranya - 14/6/2012 22:51 - Netherlands - Hengevelde

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

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Top comments

By Zebidee | 8

#3198378 - Monday 29 August 2011 11:58

Respond by acting with grace. Taking the high ground works every time.

By rein | 8

#3198383 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:00

that would be your cue to start acting like a crazy chick.

Comments

By Zebidee | 8

#3198378 - Monday 29 August 2011 11:58

Respond by acting with grace. Taking the high ground works every time.

Reply

xlord | 27

#3198435 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:19

Unicorns chose not to take the high ground in Noah's ark and look where they are today.

Reply

nromanyuk | 4

#3198599 - Monday 29 August 2011 13:09

Well since they don't even know u, his sister must have been the one who's talking about u to ppl. I wouldn't hang out with her if she's 2-faced. But I agree, how u reacted could make her friends feel stupid about what they said.

Reply

ducttapewallet | 7

#3198765 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:00

For some reason, I have a feeling that this will get near the top of the "top" list. Anyone?

Reply

ReynshineCutting | 10

#3198883 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:36

10 there actually were unicorns on the Ark (look at my pic). Poachers just hunted them to near extinction for their horns way back when so there are very few left.

Reply

KushMastaDisasta | 3

#3198900 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:42

45 clearly hasn't heard the unicorn song.

Reply

seanders | 10

#3199015 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:25

Sounds like your boyfriend's sister is what I call a Penny: Two-faced and worthless.

Reply

tjsomethin | 9

#3200146 - Monday 29 August 2011 17:46

Actually I am a unicorn so your argument is invalid

Reply

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3202470 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 1:17

Valid and good point! Lol

By ADayToPierceTheV | 0

#3198379 - Monday 29 August 2011 11:58

I like turtles

By rein | 8

#3198383 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:00

that would be your cue to start acting like a crazy chick.

By rattusrattus | 18

#3198397 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:02

Tell her crazy girls have more fun both in and out of bed. Provided its the 'wacky, quirky' kind of crazy.

By itsalanis | 24

#3198400 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:04

oh my, how unfortunate. i hope you played it off and had a nice time overall.

By missL1z | 5

#3198401 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:05

If I were you, I'd like to know why I'm crazy.

Reply

yamatelle | 19

#3198532 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:50

Or... She can just take this as an opportunity and act like the crazy bitch he claims that she is. Hell, she can go over to his uncle and tell him that, "she can't wait to get home tonight and make love.", and get away with it.

Reply

SomePinkTape | 0

#3200059 - Monday 29 August 2011 17:17

I see what you did there.

By monzach | 5

#3198403 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:05

In an awkward situation like that, the best thing to do is start acting like a monkey.

By ykthechild | 0

#3198419 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:13

Thats when u say "Ya his ex blah blah blah (make up name or something) was pretty crazy, one time she even.....(and make up some stories about her because deflecting blame almost always works)"

Reply

No_LoveMM | 3

#3198674 - Monday 29 August 2011 13:39

Except her friend introduced her :/

Reply

SteveTheJanitor | 6

#3198722 - Monday 29 August 2011 13:50

His sister***
read it next time morons

Reply

example947 | 0

#3199781 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:13

That's a bit aggressive don't you think?

Reply

trangster612 | 2

#3201177 - Monday 29 August 2011 21:13

Wow, um yeah, that's the worse possible thing to do you idiot

By wistfulorangeade | 12

#3198428 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:18

That's always fun! I try to think of as many unique ways as possible to be deemed "crazy" by others. I haven't even had to kill anyone yet.

By Roadkill007 | 9

#3198441 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:23

well that's just great. Now you can do whatever you want and people will just attribute it to your craziness!
now there doesn't have to be that awkward moment since they all have a preset expectation of you

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#3198469 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:35

Except the preset expectation to be crazy.