Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

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Rock, hard place

Race against the clock

Workaholic

By blinkanimgone - 1/9/2010 11:08 - Australia

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML

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By jigglepuff - 9/2/2014 17:00 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 08:01

Miss me yet?

Today, after I kicked my boyfriend out, thinking the sudden separation would make him value our relationship more, I heard he's spent the last 3 weeks at his brother's constantly playing Xbox, hasn’t called me once, and now I’m hearing rumours he’s been taking other women home from sleazy bars. FML

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By TetrisMaster - 24/11/2013 12:30 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

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By scaredypants123 - 7/3/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By Clueless - 21/4/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

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By veggiepower11028 - 31/5/2011 12:02

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

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By flaggurl - 10/3/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

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By jameen - 7/5/2016 11:48 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

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By wtfuraretard - 19/2/2010 20:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

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By M.L. - 6/9/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 20:00

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By Eli - 20/9/2011 00:21 - Canada

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

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By coldasfire - 29/3/2015 21:18 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

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By hitchcock2013 - 7/5/2013 17:10 - United States - Taylor

Today, I did my small part to help the environment by hanging my clothes outside to dry rather than using the dryer. The birds showed their appreciation by crapping on the majority of my clothes. FML

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By fartje - 25/1/2015 18:21 - Netherlands

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

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By elo - 20/12/2008 05:50 - France

Today, I woke up beside a disgusting guy I didn't know. He told me he was the best friend of the handsome guy I was hitting on yesterday evening. I can't remember at which point I got mislead into bringing the wrong one home. FML

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By nicooolea - 3/3/2009 08:26 - United States

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

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By deadinavan - 13/10/2010 12:57 - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

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By ewwgross - 20/5/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, at my hairdressing job, my first client of the day came in for a cut. Her hair smelled awful, and when I asked her why, she informed me that she'd gotten trashed with some friends the night before, and one of them had puked in her hair. She came to me to get it cleaned out. FML

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By ilovepancakes - 20/9/2016 00:29 - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

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By Bruce - 17/8/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe... with my foot. FML

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By conchita - 10/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 01:38 - United States - Houston

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - 16/10/2013 00:38 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 07:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got so drunk that he was sick in the taxi, sick on me, then sick on himself when he was sitting on the toilet. What's more, I can't get into bed because he's been sick all over my half of the bed. So I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. FML

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By throwinguptears - 2/11/2016 14:30 - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

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By cherbear1000 - 4/9/2013 21:07 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 10:38 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

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By Tony - 30/11/2010 11:30

Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML

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By CT - 25/11/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By ihatemyjob - 12/9/2010 07:23 - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 09:32 - India

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML

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By izzy - 15/5/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

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By Iwasjustmovingout - 5/5/2019 00:00

Today, out of the blue, my husband suggested to his parents that they move to our town for the next six months, with the understanding that we’d see them nearly every day. I found out about this when they starting making plans. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2017 23:15

Jinx

Today, I was reversing my brother's car out of a driveway. I turned to my friend in the passenger seat and said "check it out, I'm so good at reversing!" Next minute there's a huge bang. I had just reversed into a tree and shattered the windscreen. FML

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Top comments

By Zebidee | 8

#3198378 - Monday 29 August 2011 11:58

Respond by acting with grace. Taking the high ground works every time.

By rein | 8

#3198383 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:00

that would be your cue to start acting like a crazy chick.

COMMENTS

By Zebidee | 8

#3198378 - Monday 29 August 2011 11:58

Respond by acting with grace. Taking the high ground works every time.

Reply

xlord | 27

#3198435 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:19

Unicorns chose not to take the high ground in Noah's ark and look where they are today.

Reply

nromanyuk | 4

#3198599 - Monday 29 August 2011 13:09

Well since they don't even know u, his sister must have been the one who's talking about u to ppl. I wouldn't hang out with her if she's 2-faced. But I agree, how u reacted could make her friends feel stupid about what they said.

Reply

ducttapewallet | 7

#3198765 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:00

For some reason, I have a feeling that this will get near the top of the "top" list. Anyone?

Reply

ReynshineCutting | 10

#3198883 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:36

10 there actually were unicorns on the Ark (look at my pic). Poachers just hunted them to near extinction for their horns way back when so there are very few left.

Reply

KushMastaDisasta | 3

#3198900 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:42

45 clearly hasn't heard the unicorn song.

Reply

seanders | 10

#3199015 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:25

Sounds like your boyfriend's sister is what I call a Penny: Two-faced and worthless.

Reply

tjsomethin | 9

#3200146 - Monday 29 August 2011 17:46

Actually I am a unicorn so your argument is invalid

Reply

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3202470 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 1:17

Valid and good point! Lol

By ADayToPierceTheV | 0

#3198379 - Monday 29 August 2011 11:58

I like turtles

By rein | 8

#3198383 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:00

that would be your cue to start acting like a crazy chick.

By rattusrattus | 18

#3198397 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:02

Tell her crazy girls have more fun both in and out of bed. Provided its the 'wacky, quirky' kind of crazy.

By itsalanis | 24

#3198400 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:04

oh my, how unfortunate. i hope you played it off and had a nice time overall.

By missL1z | 5

#3198401 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:05

If I were you, I'd like to know why I'm crazy.

Reply

yamatelle | 19

#3198532 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:50

Or... She can just take this as an opportunity and act like the crazy bitch he claims that she is. Hell, she can go over to his uncle and tell him that, "she can't wait to get home tonight and make love.", and get away with it.

Reply

SomePinkTape | 0

#3200059 - Monday 29 August 2011 17:17

I see what you did there.

By monzach | 5

#3198403 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:05

In an awkward situation like that, the best thing to do is start acting like a monkey.

By ykthechild | 0

#3198419 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:13

Thats when u say "Ya his ex blah blah blah (make up name or something) was pretty crazy, one time she even.....(and make up some stories about her because deflecting blame almost always works)"

Reply

No_LoveMM | 3

#3198674 - Monday 29 August 2011 13:39

Except her friend introduced her :/

Reply

SteveTheJanitor | 6

#3198722 - Monday 29 August 2011 13:50

His sister***
read it next time morons

Reply

example947 | 0

#3199781 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:13

That's a bit aggressive don't you think?

Reply

trangster612 | 2

#3201177 - Monday 29 August 2011 21:13

Wow, um yeah, that's the worse possible thing to do you idiot

By wistfulorangeade | 12

#3198428 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:18

That's always fun! I try to think of as many unique ways as possible to be deemed "crazy" by others. I haven't even had to kill anyone yet.

By Roadkill007 | 9

#3198441 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:23

well that's just great. Now you can do whatever you want and people will just attribute it to your craziness!
now there doesn't have to be that awkward moment since they all have a preset expectation of you

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#3198469 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:35

Except the preset expectation to be crazy.