Today, I met my sister's fiancé. I would have been happier for her if he hadn't been mine a month ago when I introduced them. FML
Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML
Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting stood up, I found out that even 80-year-old Charles Manson is engaged to be married. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I compared our No Shave November body hair. This is how I found out that my legs are hairier than his. FML
Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML
Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied, "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML
Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "Should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML
Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML
Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML
Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend asked me out is because he thought I "looked like a girl who'd be into anal". FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML
Today, my boyfriend endearingly told me that he's been taking advantage of my inability to smell due to a head cold, and he's been farting around me whenever he pleases. FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML
Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he got up and said he needed to go home because he was tired and just wanted to relax and watch TV. That's what we were doing. FML
Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML
Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML
Today, my boyfriend became a magician. His best trick? The disappearing act. FML
highheelcyanide tells us more.
First of all, I am so excited that this got posted! Almost makes dating the jerk worth it! Also, all the comments are hilarious. To answer some questions, no, I most definitely am not pregnant. There wasn't even a scare. On the backstory, he wasn't *technically* my boyfriend, but we had been dating and things were going really great. He did all the right things and we had a great connection (or so I thought). So after a while we slept together, and enjoyment was had on both sides. Nothing seemed off for a few days, and then he gradually quit texting me and I never saw him again after that night. Live and learn, I suppose.
Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML
Today, my boyfriend gushed for several minutes about how amazing it is that I suddenly look hot when he takes his glasses off. FML
Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML
Today, my loving fiancé informed me that my new perfume makes me smell like a urinal cake. FML
Today, I slept over at my new boyfriend's house for the first time. When I woke up in the morning, he told me all about how much gas I'd had through the night. He said he thought he had a grown man in his bed instead of me. FML
Isa_Marie0113 tells us more.
Hey guys! I wrote that FML. Yep, wasn't one of my best moments, but it's something we can laugh at now especially since he's usually the one that's gassy! Thanks for reading it and I hope you all had a good laugh too! (I would just like to add that I'm about to click "Spill the beans!" and I'm dying over the irony.)
Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML
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