Love: Today, my boyfriend became a magician. His best trick? The disappearing...

First of all, I am so excited that this got posted! Almost makes dating the jerk worth it! Also, all the comments are hilarious. To answer some questions, no, I most definitely am not pregnant. There wasn't even a scare. On the backstory, he wasn't *technically* my boyfriend, but we had been dating and things were going really great. He did all the right things and we had a great connection (or so I thought). So after a while we slept together, and enjoyment was had on both sides. Nothing seemed off for a few days, and then he gradually quit texting me and I never saw him again after that night. Live and learn, I suppose.

Love

Batman

Laundry drama

Not now, please

04/12/2010 07:32

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 517

You deserved it 3 852

27/07/2009 04:10

Today, my immature dad said I am a girl not a woman, so my witty response was ''I have a period, I'm pretty sure that makes me a woman.'' My dad stole my phone and sent a text to everyone in my address book, quoting me. Including the guy I like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 495

You deserved it 16 636

05/08/2011 22:57

Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 596

You deserved it 3 869

16/12/2013 21:54

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 251

You deserved it 4 290

22/12/2013 17:22

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 544

You deserved it 7 671

31/08/2010 18:07

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 280

You deserved it 4 627

05/10/2009 05:28

Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 813

You deserved it 2 033

16/02/2011 15:30

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 575

You deserved it 5 263

Can't get no…

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 09:05

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 239

03/11/2015 06:58

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 113

You deserved it 2 475

23/04/2011 20:18

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 807

You deserved it 40 680

21/08/2015 05:55

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 319

You deserved it 5 403

22/03/2011 14:59

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 978

You deserved it 17 005

11/06/2015 23:14

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 690

You deserved it 4 102

06/08/2015 17:28

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 749

You deserved it 3 143

28/01/2014 19:43

Today, after months of random vomiting with no apparent cause, I finally got some tests done. The doctor says there's nothing wrong with me and that it's all just in my head. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 647

You deserved it 4 309

08/09/2010 18:09

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 127

You deserved it 4 668

22/01/2011 17:39

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 518

You deserved it 49 293

29/12/2008 07:21

Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up". I certainly wasn't aware. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 645

You deserved it 2 116

19/11/2009 21:14

Today, my four year old got mad that he couldn't find his favorite character on the Wii. So, he decided to smash the Wii remote into my $700 LCD TV, shattering the screen. That was the only TV in the house, and the $80 service plan I bought doesn't cover accidental damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 290

You deserved it 8 734

Judgmental much!?

By Stairway2Heaven - 02/03/2009 21:03

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 558

You deserved it 19 407

03/07/2011 05:36

Today, I decided to sing a sweet lullaby to my two year old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 956

You deserved it 6 438

06/03/2011 00:24

Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 820

You deserved it 4 126

25/03/2016 15:06

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 135

You deserved it 1 581

30/10/2009 16:34

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 074

You deserved it 23 325

24/08/2010 06:17

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 373

You deserved it 11 026

08/08/2009 05:27

Today, I was on an airplane back from California. I decided to check out my new $1500 MacBook that I bought the day before. My son decided to projectile vomit all over me, my new computer, and my bag. None of it got on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 325

You deserved it 5 928

20/08/2013 21:37

Today, I asked out the girl who always looks and smiles at me in class. I was surprised when she rejected me until I found out she was actually always looking at the clock behind me, and smiling when class is almost over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 095

You deserved it 5 004

18/02/2009 08:06

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 401

You deserved it 13 957

Sorry sweaty, my brain is melting

By Anonymous - 03/07/2021 22:01

Today, while intoxicated, I accidentally called my girlfriend by female roommate's name. Panicked, I tried to correct myself and said my female best friend's name. My relationship with both is 100% platonic, but as a last ditch effort, completely frazzled, I said my cat's name. Now she won't stop calling me by her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 1 201

I am the law

By Anonymous - 27/09/2019 06:03

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 342

22/08/2015 10:47

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 767

You deserved it 2 115

03/04/2017 10:00

Today, my 2-year-old asked for cake, so I told her I would make her one. I showed her two boxes of cake and asked which one she wanted. She picked one and happily tried opening it. She'd thought a fully cooked cake is in the box. Ever tried explaining baking to a toddler? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 443

You deserved it 775

17/05/2016 22:20

Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 736

You deserved it 1 482

08/09/2011 05:23

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 541

You deserved it 3 227

In the zone

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 20:05

Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 1 571

17/12/2011 07:59

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 649

You deserved it 9 777

18/01/2014 03:48

Today, my roommate, who has bipolar disorder and refuses to take his meds, tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because I threw out his moldy cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 026

You deserved it 5 508

04/08/2011 06:00

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 061

You deserved it 12 871

02/09/2018 14:30

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 703

You deserved it 283

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MeanBeagle 22

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:28

alakadamn

highheelcyanide 11

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Thursday 6 November 2014 20:39

Comments

MeanBeagle 22

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:28

alakadamn

salvorican 24

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Thursday 6 November 2014 15:19

Abrakadamnbruh

Just_A_Tree 20

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Sunday 9 November 2014 22:29

Did OP wave her magic wand with a plus sign? That usually is the magic item for this highly complicated and depressing trick.

EverestMelting 23

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:30

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

brokenjawskhan 21

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:55

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EverestMelting 23

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Thursday 6 November 2014 17:01

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False_Stupidity 41

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Thursday 6 November 2014 19:18

Maybe she already is and this is what inspired the boyfriend to become a magician.

CatcherQueen 15

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Thursday 6 November 2014 23:51

Today, my boyfriend became a magician. He made a baby appear and then he disappeared. For good. FML.

shja00 5

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:30

Poof.

shaww 28

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:30

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SoapTurtle 7

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:30

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ComoEsJuan 24

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:31

That's what happens when you date David Blaine.

rocketiquette 20

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Thursday 6 November 2014 14:32

I feel this would be a more criss angel thing to do

MeanBeagle 22

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Thursday 6 November 2014 17:15

can't blain him for trying ;)

hippodankamus 22

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:37

You should pull a rabbit out of his ass for that.

Ki11erC 18

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Thursday 6 November 2014 22:56

Bit hard after a disappearing act, should of thought of it before.

awkwardology 23

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:41

Bait him with a rabbit, top hat and children's hopes and dreams.

tony1891 22

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:50

and for the next trick. your boyfriend will attempt to catch a bullet with his teeth from the gun you fire.

briang959 46

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Thursday 6 November 2014 13:56

Abracadouche