By mouthwash - United States - Gallipolis

Freudian intensifies

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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35660

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Love

Messed up

Instadrama

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Levi2411

Today, I jokingly told my mother to "go fall down a hole" during a mock argument we always have. Not even 10 minutes later, our basement stairs gave out. When I said that, I didn't want her to break both her arms or to actually fall into a gaping hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2738

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431

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53985

You deserved it

5977

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By NowHomeless - United States

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28689

You deserved it

3277

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By fish killer - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27684

You deserved it

10045

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By evenpoorer - United States

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27895

You deserved it

3550

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By OutOfTheCloset - United States - Clifton

Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only responses were, "Lol", "Hacked", and similar remarks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33659

You deserved it

12925

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By Masey - United States

Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35310

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7488

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By dammit - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30240

You deserved it

2395

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By MC Turtledick - United States

Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29677

You deserved it

2151

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25703

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58823

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By Anonymous

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1302

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169

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By Anonymous

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1755

You deserved it

431

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By neveragain89 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26697

You deserved it

5305

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10133

You deserved it

44550

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By roselysunset - United States - Cypress

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23674

You deserved it

1608

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By murphyslaw948

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1843

You deserved it

211

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By Mikabe - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35296

You deserved it

12900

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By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25821

You deserved it

10535

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By AloneAtPerkins - 26/11/2020 03:58 - United States - West Bend

Sticky situation

Today, I drove all the way to another state and dealt with Chicago traffic on the way just to learn to drive stick. I couldn't learn, because the truck was suddenly unavailable, and when it was available again, whoever had it last lost the keys. Guess I gotta make another trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

641

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By lying fuck! - 22/6/2020 14:02

Shameless

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2865

You deserved it

159

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By Stilljobless - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7065

You deserved it

39480

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By weirded out - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39013

You deserved it

3703

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By Cow lover - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15107

You deserved it

2332

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1775

You deserved it

209

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39474

You deserved it

5877

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By kelsjenks - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31610

You deserved it

3064

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By FoodNeeded - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13482

You deserved it

2034

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By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53069

You deserved it

4429

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By very very lonely

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10431

You deserved it

1692

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By DingusGinger

Today, I found out my boss likes to shit talk about me when I'm not around. Best part is I don't know what I've done to piss him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1952

You deserved it

147

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By NosChersVoisins - France - Bordeaux

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63073

You deserved it

5919

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By greenintheface - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40566

You deserved it

4074

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By morenita27 - Canada

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51367

You deserved it

4057

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By camille - United States

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27268

You deserved it

3168

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30354

You deserved it

3481

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my girlfriend had sold all of my N64 and Atari games and both the consoles and bought me a PS4 with the money. While I was standing there in shock, she kissed me on the cheek and said, "I know, I'm the greatest." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50475

You deserved it

4688

Favorite

By abonde29

Today, I got a text from my cousin saying he's gay. I was thrilled and told him I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4184

You deserved it

535

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 23:00

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

565

You deserved it

1877

Favorite

By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8039

You deserved it

36690

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By MerryChristmas - United States - Moore

Today, I went to a Christmas-themed amusement park with my 21-year-old autistic sister who adores Christmas. She took her picture with Santa and started crying happy tears. Then Santa asked her loudly, "Aren't you beyond old enough to know I'm not real?" Vacation ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5548

You deserved it

412

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Top comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#6115875 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:47

Maybe think about brushing your teeth will trigger a dream for that then you wouldn't be turned down...

By zahra_786 | 19

#6115880 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:52

Thankfully it was just a dream, and you'll be prepared to prevent such occurrence in real life :p

COMMENTS

By worldclassrager | 39

#6115875 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:47

Maybe think about brushing your teeth will trigger a dream for that then you wouldn't be turned down...

dudeman1212 | 22

#6115910 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:36

Then who knows how far you'll get! ;D

Kyle1dc | 17

#6115927 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 14:01

uncovered shoulders perhaps? how scandalous...

By zahra_786 | 19

#6115880 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:52

Thankfully it was just a dream, and you'll be prepared to prevent such occurrence in real life :p

diving_fml | 30

#6116187 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 21:02

or maybe he won't listen and this will actually happen. what if his dream is for telling the future???

By tony1891 | 22

#6115881 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:53

Listerine works

es3508 | 16

#6116460 - Wednesday 12 November 2014 3:01

Yeah but a toothbrush works better:P

By omgitsmoe | 26

#6115883 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:53

Brush your teeth before you sleep , you won't get cock blocked in the next dream :3

By pinkster2014 | 25

#6115886 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:55

Well, does your breath stink?
Maybe you just had a bad taste in your mouth, like morning breath, and it affected your dream.

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6115889 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:58

don't forget to brush the next time before going to bed

By haliacc | 17

#6115890 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:59

If she thought your breath smelt then you should have pointed her downwards.

JMichael | 25

#6115894 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:01

No cuz he knows to wash it before he lets a girl go down on him.

cadillacgal79 | 32

#6116004 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 16:56

Past FML post! Nice job! I didn't think anyone would mention that.

haliacc | 17

#6116438 - Wednesday 12 November 2014 2:21

That's what I meant! That it would be better down there!

By JokerJ312 | 23

#6115896 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:03

Brushing your teeth is good, but for extra freshness I like mint gum. 5 is a good brand.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6115925 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 13:59

Stride's a pretty good brand as well.

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6116161 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 20:34

stride was good. then they went to that 2.0 and it tasted cheaper

By SirJKCaptain | 12

#6115901 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:17

Try to materialise some mentos in your sleep

By tdawg91 | 17

#6115904 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:26

There was a post not long ago about her mother trying to speak to her son about oral hygiene...... Is that you??