By mouthwash - United States - Gallipolis

Freudian intensifies

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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35647

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4580

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Love

The View

Summertime sadness

Yeah, fuck the poor

By 4evalone - United States - Monterey

Today, I was dressed as a single girl. I wore pajama pants, hoodie with no bra, and carried a plate of pizza around. But it wasn't my costume, I just had nowhere to go for Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36454

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5272

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By notgreg - United States

Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML

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28533

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10380

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31294

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5016

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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46055

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8598

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By gkid92 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18392

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42948

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friends house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39873

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5328

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By WasZumTeufel? - Germany - Kabel

Today, my boyfriend took me to his house and introduced me to his parents. He also showed me around his bedroom. I think he forgot to remove the dartboard on his wall, taped to which was a swiss-cheesed printout of one of my Facebook photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36431

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3902

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By Timv86 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32810

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By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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1343

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198

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24968

You deserved it

4350

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after leaving my mom's house, I got 4 text messages from her about how I was a terrible person for not saying goodbye to my sister when I left. The "sister" she was referring to is the family dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44058

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4724

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By idk ask freud - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50603

You deserved it

9848

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By annoyed - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven't seen for years. He tells me he has "deep" feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we "dated" because he told his parents I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36937

You deserved it

2869

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By screwyoucompany

Today, I had a job interview. I was almost late due to road closure and being blocked in my street by the trash truck. The "interview" turned out to be a hiring fair, with lots of other people. I had to wait outside for 3 hours in the sun with no shade, water or food. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4337

You deserved it

337

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school's ski trip got canceled, because "All the snow makes the roads unsafe." We can't go skiing because it's snowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40511

You deserved it

3306

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By joshualover - United States

Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9481

You deserved it

28231

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By TwinDad - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

68938

You deserved it

6429

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By InsultToInjury

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2985

You deserved it

1163

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By dire-rear - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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38975

You deserved it

3638

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By LinaLinaYeah - Canada

Today, my mom gave me my boyfriend's boxers that she'd washed after finding them in my camping bag. The boxers had "Big Banana" written all over them, along with pictures of bananas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11841

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28384

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By Unknown - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10666

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35061

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By Justawoman - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59395

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By Rick - United States - Spartanburg

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

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28972

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4788

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By The_Life - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11902

You deserved it

1255

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By whasian - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41807

You deserved it

3105

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By greeneyedpothead - United States - Hanford

Today, I got my foot stuck in the car seat belt. I kept pulling to loosen it up but it just kept getting tighter till my foot was in the air, so I started panicking and eventually started crying. My boyfriend had to pull over and save me from a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10431

You deserved it

27483

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By fuckthat - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52400

You deserved it

3319

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By b3ardown23 - United States

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30582

You deserved it

2814

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By BaconBreathBlonde - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27909

You deserved it

7680

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By Robert - United States - North Pole

Today, my high school speech therapist introduced me to the other autistic kid in school without fully informing either of us. We got into a fist fight because we each thought the other guy was imitating us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4816

You deserved it

611

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By Raset24

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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14592

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1057

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 12:30

Oversharing

Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1706

You deserved it

234

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By fmrunning - United States

Today, I completed my 6 month training program for a track competition this weekend. I went to the park to run anyways because I needed some air after my boyfriend broke up with me. After one lap, my neighbor's 130 lb dog ran across the soccer field and jumped on me to say hi. My leg is broken. FML

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92402

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4527

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By heheheh - Canada

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9943

You deserved it

57582

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45301

You deserved it

9379

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By Sniffles - Ireland

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend 4 months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63346

You deserved it

30253

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By Anonymous - France - M?rignac

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50251

You deserved it

5569

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By darthinvader - United States

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21952

You deserved it

27584

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By Ugh - United States

Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "You're really good with computers." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31330

You deserved it

5865

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By turdtonomor9 - United States

Today, I agreed to help out my 4-year crush with his senior prank which is to pretend we are dating for 1 day to freak everyone out. Glad to know dating me is prank worthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64721

You deserved it

9373

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Top comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#6115875 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:47

Maybe think about brushing your teeth will trigger a dream for that then you wouldn't be turned down...

By zahra_786 | 19

#6115880 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:52

Thankfully it was just a dream, and you'll be prepared to prevent such occurrence in real life :p

COMMENTS

By worldclassrager | 39

#6115875 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:47

Maybe think about brushing your teeth will trigger a dream for that then you wouldn't be turned down...

dudeman1212 | 22

#6115910 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:36

Then who knows how far you'll get! ;D

Kyle1dc | 17

#6115927 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 14:01

uncovered shoulders perhaps? how scandalous...

By zahra_786 | 19

#6115880 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:52

Thankfully it was just a dream, and you'll be prepared to prevent such occurrence in real life :p

diving_fml | 30

#6116187 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 21:02

or maybe he won't listen and this will actually happen. what if his dream is for telling the future???

By tony1891 | 22

#6115881 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:53

Listerine works

es3508 | 16

#6116460 - Wednesday 12 November 2014 3:01

Yeah but a toothbrush works better:P

By omgitsmoe | 26

#6115883 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:53

Brush your teeth before you sleep , you won't get cock blocked in the next dream :3

By pinkster2014 | 25

#6115886 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:55

Well, does your breath stink?
Maybe you just had a bad taste in your mouth, like morning breath, and it affected your dream.

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6115889 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:58

don't forget to brush the next time before going to bed

By haliacc | 17

#6115890 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 11:59

If she thought your breath smelt then you should have pointed her downwards.

JMichael | 25

#6115894 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:01

No cuz he knows to wash it before he lets a girl go down on him.

cadillacgal79 | 32

#6116004 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 16:56

Past FML post! Nice job! I didn't think anyone would mention that.

haliacc | 17

#6116438 - Wednesday 12 November 2014 2:21

That's what I meant! That it would be better down there!

By JokerJ312 | 23

#6115896 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:03

Brushing your teeth is good, but for extra freshness I like mint gum. 5 is a good brand.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6115925 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 13:59

Stride's a pretty good brand as well.

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6116161 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 20:34

stride was good. then they went to that 2.0 and it tasted cheaper

By SirJKCaptain | 12

#6115901 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:17

Try to materialise some mentos in your sleep

By tdawg91 | 17

#6115904 - Tuesday 11 November 2014 12:26

There was a post not long ago about her mother trying to speak to her son about oral hygiene...... Is that you??