Love: Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of...

By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 00:56 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 780

You deserved it 35 732

Love

Taking stock

Good kid

Get me out of here

Internet doctor

By ThatYourDoctor - 25/08/2021 00:01

Today, a patient came to the ER at 4 a.m., but left complaining I wasn't treating him properly. I treated his toothache with painkillers that would get him through the night so he could contact a dentist the next day. He showed me a TikTok video of the tooth surgery that he supposedly needed instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 49

Geometry

By sickpuppy - 08/09/2019 12:00

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 150

By CessnaPilot - 13/12/2011 03:47 - United States

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 873

You deserved it 6 436

By sostupid - 10/10/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 778

You deserved it 51 051

By auntoftheyear - 10/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 258

You deserved it 10 017

By Kimmiko - 04/06/2009 12:17 - Germany

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 054

You deserved it 7 146

Gassy

By Fartnonymous - 18/08/2015 10:59 - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 699

You deserved it 2 657

By Anonymous - 08/02/2015 16:05 - United States

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 859

You deserved it 2 719

By allbrokeup - 01/12/2012 23:54 - Norway - Stavanger

Today, while I was removing my makeup with my boyfriend watching, he mentioned that he used to think girls were prettier without makeup on, but he'd now changed his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 383

You deserved it 3 303

By Anonymous - 28/09/2009 21:00 - United States

Today, I learned that if you're going to tell your mother you are gay, make sure she isn't holding a frying pan filled with hot grease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 811

You deserved it 14 903

By weliveanddie14 - 07/05/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 784

You deserved it 15 620

By a - 31/10/2009 04:14 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was chatting with a friend on msn. She told me a few days ago a Halloween party we had been planning was canceled because her parents said no at the last moment. Wanting to cheer her up, I went to her house to surprise her. I guess the party wasn't canceled after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 548

You deserved it 2 883

By Anonymous - 06/02/2015 08:26 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 032

You deserved it 3 158

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 01:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 688

You deserved it 4 210

By loneliness - 30/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 071

You deserved it 7 350

Explain this

By Anonymous - 18/07/2017 00:30

Today, I came home to find my mom in my apartment packing my things and crying. When she saw me she threw her arms around me and explained through her tears that she caught my girlfriend cheating on me and that she was sorry. My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship. I had to explain that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 953

You deserved it 2 520

By Rowansgonnarow - 05/07/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 349

You deserved it 15 924

By Anonymous - 28/06/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 072

You deserved it 4 595

A saint

By Anonymous - 14/06/2020 20:07

Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 524

You deserved it 190

Dad joke number 287474

By HunkyFez - 28/08/2020 08:06 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 655

You deserved it 228

By Anonymous - 05/07/2019 14:00

Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 269

By Anonymous - 07/06/2017 20:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my neighbor let me know that they've been taking care of my cats while I was away, including letting them in and out of my house. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 084

You deserved it 255

Where's my dog?

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 02:00 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the dog sitter I'd left him with while I was on vacation. When I arrived at her house to pick him up, she said, "I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about." and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t "leave her premises for trespassing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 579

You deserved it 97

By stdfree_hopefully - 15/04/2018 06:00

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 668

You deserved it 2 103

Where it is?

By Anonymous - 10/02/2020 01:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 264

By greeter - 18/10/2016 06:49 - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 034

You deserved it 3 357

By Anonymous - 15/08/2012 23:58 - Australia

Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 476

You deserved it 2 981

Birthday Boy

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 02:00

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 492

You deserved it 151

By Taylor - 30/07/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 125

You deserved it 10 640

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 10:36 - Ukraine - Poltava

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 000

You deserved it 3 568

By towelwindow - 05/08/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to work to help out a co-worker even though my last day was last week. I parked in a garage a block away for 2 hours. I paid $20 to park, didn't get paid, am spending $400 to get my back window replaced, and I have to buy a new iPod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 802

You deserved it 8 442

Road hog

By sin - 01/06/2021 04:01

Today, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t recognize a funeral procession when I see one. It just looks like a bunch of cars to me. I should probably get off the road for good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 576

You deserved it 268

Herman Cain Award

By Anonymous - 23/10/2021 17:00 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my sister had a C-section to deliver her premature second child. She's also in ICU with a blood oxygen level of 60% because "vaccines are dangerous". We don't know if she will make it out of the hospital or, if she does, how much damage will be caused from the long-term hypoxia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 259

You deserved it 196

Meow meow

By failed_catgirl - 19/10/2010 23:24 - Canada

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 408

You deserved it 38 787

It's called fashion, OK? Look it up.

By Seamstressed - 09/02/2017 20:00 - Italy

Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 183

You deserved it 1 239

By wookieewhosshe - 18/05/2019 12:30

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 810

You deserved it 118

Vibe check

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 14:01

Today, I started my first day of nursing clinicals. My first patient was none other than my ex-girlfriend, who I recently broke up with. She has an STI. She told me I needed to get checked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 292

You deserved it 127

By Celluloid - 29/04/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 046

You deserved it 39 814

By donttouchmyhair - 19/03/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 290

You deserved it 3 794

By lamesauce - 15/02/2009 10:32 - Canada

Today, I went on a coffee date with a guy I'm interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 741

You deserved it 3 039

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Top comments

quickit 24

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:41

YDI. Didn't those two years mean anything to you? I would rather have an awkward conversation than lose the girl I love.

Klima_fml 29

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:41

.. You tried to shower with your cat? Smart.

quickit 24

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:41

YDI. Didn't those two years mean anything to you? I would rather have an awkward conversation than lose the girl I love.

jake_braves 25

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 9:03

I agree...that's pretty poor. If you let it end like that next time don't waste two years of a girl's life. That's pretty weak. You just lost your manhood. You lost your girl over a pussy...cat. Wow. You should grow some balls and go back and explain it.

Clarence Gilbert 7

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Friday 13 October 2017 6:08

taking a shower with a cat doesnt sound believable. so hes screwed either way

MisterGone 1

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 13:09

AGREED!

doodlecloud 26

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 13:23

He didn't even have to say he brought the cat in with him, just tell her it jumped in itself and freaked out! It's just... mind boggling how anyone could lose a partner over this. The stupidity levels are high here...

Rawr6591 21

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 13:30

didn't have to mention the shower at all actually just said the cat did it

cjwayy 22

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 16:22

Amen #1!

Crossing 17

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 22:37

Do you honestly think she would believe him if he told her he tried to take a shower with a cat. I know I wouldn't, unless she already knows he is an idiot.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 22:51

Cat Scratch Fever...

Toolishing 22

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 14:36

That's what I was thinking #88.

VeganVampyre 26

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 16:33

She is an idiot too... You can obviously tell the difference between cat and human scratches because cats' claws are much thinner and sharper than human nails and they make very different looking marks. If she can't tell that, or if it didn't at least occur to her to ask, especially knowing that he has a cat... Then there's a problem.

Klima_fml 29

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:41

.. You tried to shower with your cat? Smart.

sempisaviour 17

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 8:32

Indeed very smart. Rumor has it Albert Einstein did it too.

badluckalex 23

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:28

I'm assuming op means give the car a bath, but who knows

thesmeagol 22

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 13:14

I don't know if my cats just weird, but he hops in the bath/shower with us sometimes.

SirMichael 13

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 22:04

@46 Yes you're cat is a bit weird, most cats hate getting wet.

Amama_fml 30

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 23:18

Pussies love getting wet... Sorry, I just had to.

CatchMe25 16

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 9:17

You're not alone! My cat has always loved sitting on the edge of the tub till I'm done. She'll play with the water and sit outside the door if I don't let her in. But she also plays fetch so I think it's a given that she's just weird haha.

A07 48

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:42

You really wanted that pussy, didn't you?

mete_orito 34

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:43

He wanted the wrong pussy.

TXFernwoods 26

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 19:58

please no beastiality

lekimdraw 3

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Thursday 20 November 2014 6:03

if you want to encourage bestiality go to 4chan.

lnheritance 19

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:42

It's probably best to tell her the truth, regardless of the embarrassment. Hopefully she believes you. Sorry to hear it OP.

ninety 25

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 21:14

She'll probably think he's making a lame excuse at this point.

ThorneCrossed 9

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:42

How did you come to the conclusion that you needed to shower with your cat

shelle112 10

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 8:17

His girlfriend wasn't home, and he needed some tail.

jake_braves 25

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 9:04

He also needed to get the pussy wet.

hourlybookworm 7

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:45

Someone call the RSPCA

Rizzen 27

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:46

dude you need to tell her, only way not to get your ass in trouble.

Parise_fml 5

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:47

you wanna throw those two years away because you don't want to have an awkward conversation?

ninety 25

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 21:15

You would think it would be an awkward conversation either way, cause now she thinks he cheated haha

Emzinatorbot 26

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:49

YDI for not wanting yo tell her it was a cat. what did she even mean to you if you didn't want to be honest?!

20minutesto9 23

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 7:53

You could have just told her the cat jumped on your back while you were sleeping or something. But that relationship must not have meant much to you if you're just gonna let it go without trying to explain yourself.