Love: Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting... - FML

By jessiejaybee - 18/11/2014 10:41 - United States

Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting stood up, I found out that even 80-year-old Charles Manson is engaged to be married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 508

You deserved it 3 701

Another great day to be alive

This Charming Man

Taking stock

By oh - 23/02/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 468

You deserved it 2 081

By BunniesOnAcid - 03/07/2012 23:01 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was at the airport. I was on my way to see my dad for the first time since I was 4. Whilst I was waiting for my dad to find me, a strange man started flirting with me. Irritated, I told him I was waiting for my dad to get me, and to f*ck off. The strange man was my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 735

You deserved it 4 102

The high road

By Stephy - 22/07/2021 11:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Trying to be the bigger person, I told him, "Your loss, not mine." He responded with, "I didn’t lose anything really. You let yourself go. Have you looked in the mirror lately?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 597

You deserved it 856

This is my life

By Broke - 07/02/2020 05:00 - United States

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 188

By laprochainefoisjerestealamaison - 25/02/2013 19:47 - France - Montpellier

Today, I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital corridor. The nurse who took me to my room afterward tried to comfort me by saying there've been worse incidents; she said that two years ago, a lady gave birth in the parking lot. That was me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 372

You deserved it 5 054

By Anonymous - 09/08/2016 00:04

Spicy

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 819

You deserved it 1 314

By bumblebee - 14/09/2009 21:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I liked. We sat in the gardens, me facing the path, him with his back to it. We were in deep conversation when I noticed a dog that looked exactly like mine. Then I looked up and saw a man that looked like my dad. Yes - my parents followed me on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 965

You deserved it 3 701

By Anonymous - 02/05/2012 11:05 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend started a conversation with "I don't want to break up" and ended the conversation with "I think I'd be better off alone." So I guess I'm now single. I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 037

You deserved it 2 495

By Emma-Louise - 20/05/2011 19:46 - France

Spicy

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 295

You deserved it 14 306

By sanoria51 - 26/04/2013 23:58 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 545

You deserved it 8 752

Grossed out

By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 688

You deserved it 311

By gringa_Peru - 18/04/2009 01:19 - Peru

Spicy

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169 876

You deserved it 9 827

By Anonymous - 09/03/2015 12:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 295

You deserved it 3 503

By Allycat - 09/10/2013 01:19 - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 083

You deserved it 5 095

By boo! - 17/02/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 511

You deserved it 42 878

By meens42 - 30/09/2013 08:04 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 146

You deserved it 2 821

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, I attended my son's Christmas concert. When I went to sit down in the last available seat, a woman said she was saving it for her husband. Having nowhere else to sit, I stood in the back, for an hour. The seat remained empty for the entire concert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 591

You deserved it 4 128

By laurwitharawr - 06/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 362

You deserved it 4 414

By Sophie - 27/12/2011 04:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I got hit by a car. My friends left me to get to the hospital myself. The cab was double fare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 062

You deserved it 2 458

By Anonymous - 07/06/2019 20:00

Today, I had to go pick up my mother at 3 in the morning. She had been out drinking and couldn't drive. She parties more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 396

You deserved it 193

Pick me!

By Anonymous - 13/05/2021 17:01

Today, I wore my tightest, slightly too small, push-up bra and low cut top to impress a guy at work. He came over to borrow a pen. I leaned down to get one out of my bag and my nipple popped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 1 793

Dominion

By baby.momma2 - 26/11/2020 19:58

Today, I told my boyfriend I was unsure of the future of our relationship, so he gave me a gigantic hickey to "show the world that I'm his." I work as a cashier and see people I know personally on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 283

By Claustrophobic - 04/04/2013 07:12 - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 218

You deserved it 2 412

By Anonymous - 25/05/2010 23:33 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 759

You deserved it 39 639

By Weezylover - 26/05/2009 08:24 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 631

You deserved it 7 955

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 25/05/2011 05:21 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. Expecting a long overdue promotion, I hurried in. Instead, he told me he thought I would be perfect to take his son on a pity date, because he's a suicide risk due to his depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 437

You deserved it 3 621

By crushed - 11/12/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 196

You deserved it 5 015

Kids say the darndest things

By Anonymous - 30/09/2020 02:02

Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 1 041

By avocadopurse - 09/07/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 845

You deserved it 245

By Perdedor - 07/01/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 879

You deserved it 44 854

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 16:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was feeling pretty cute in a black dress. Apparently, that makes me "emo" and an "online dater". FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 69

By secondchild - 12/07/2019 14:00

Today, my parents spent more time, money and effort on my boyfriend's birthday present than they ever have on any of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 158

Not mine!

By Anonymous - 21/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 576

You deserved it 217

By Ellen - 21/11/2009 00:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 245

You deserved it 30 182

By mstar - 24/09/2012 17:01 - United States

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 568

You deserved it 2 815

By ihatemyjob - 12/09/2010 07:23 - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 101

You deserved it 2 770

By Anonymous - 07/12/2011 17:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 781

You deserved it 20 601

By lonely - 01/01/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I posted on my Facebook wall that I'd gotten into a huge bar fight and had the shit kicked out of me, all to avoid having to tell the truth, namely that I'd stayed home all night because nobody invited me out to party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 025

You deserved it 34 413

By Anonymous - 25/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 864

You deserved it 127

By Kristinmarsh08 - 29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 297

You deserved it 3 693

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Top comments

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 17:59

Your time will come, no need to worry! There's someone for everyone!

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:01

No one can resist serial killers. Literally.

Comments

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 17:59

Your time will come, no need to worry! There's someone for everyone!

Senseless_487 29

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:21

Manson getting engaged really proves this point.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 20:16

its them thigh-ticklers

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 22:31

Yes, your time will come! When you're 80.

Foto_1 12

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 4:20

Well, there are always weirdos who glamourize killers. If I went and shot five people, just the sheer amount of people in the US means at least a couple people would find me attractive for it.

thebigtwinkie 28

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:00

it's never too late!

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 20:25

"'till parole do we part"

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:00

Needs more cats.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 5:55

Actually, it needs more cowbell...

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:00

Im sure there is somebody for you out there

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:01

No one can resist serial killers. Literally.

orphanclubber 8

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:13

I'll admit I laughed as horrible as it is :P

phoneaddict13 29

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 20:41

didn't get it :/ plz explain?

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 21:00

#40, Charles Manson is a serial killer

Puffytruffles 18

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 3:32

@45 I don't think you understand the joke. o.O

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 4:58

#64, please explain the joke, because it looks like they were legitimately asking who he is.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:01

sorry you got stood up. but comparing yourself other people isn't going to be helpful.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:03

I thought he was dead.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 19:39

You should probably Google before you speak

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 19:55

Trusting Google as fact, is just as dangerous as assuming.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 20:49

I wasn't assuming. I honestly thought he was dead. It was a statement not an assumption.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 21:00

Sorry, I wasn't referring to you in my statement. I was trying to prove a point about telling people what they should do and the comparative dangers in bad advice and assumptions. I actually +1 you. He should be dead, imho.

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 8:08

Oh ok. I wasn't sure why so many people thumbed me down. Surely I'm not the only one who thought he was dead until I heard about the 26 year old woman who married him. I never hear about him at all until the whole wedding thing so I was sure most people haven't either.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:03

You are envying him... Set your goals higher then just having a mate... Things will work out in the long run as long as you do something about it.

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Wednesday 19 November 2014 8:21

Or an-- inmate for that matter.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:17

In all fairness, he's famous. You're a nobody. I jest, I jest. Anyhow, a cat + vibrator is better than 50% of men you'll find out there.

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 19:55

A cat + a vibrator? That poor cat.

Im2Shy 16

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 21:01

#10, just because we aren't famous, doesn't make anyone a nobody. We are all "something" to someone.

candymonster191 16

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:21

We don't need men! We need more adorable cats to purr in our faces! :)

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 17

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 1 106

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 1 258