Animals: Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 103

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 40

03/04/2014 07:44

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 566

You deserved it 48 122

Animals

Own it

Walk on the wild side

Leave me alone

01/11/2013 16:49

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 491

You deserved it 4 309

19/09/2009 04:22

Today, I told my mom about the couple times that I'd skipped classes during high school. She got really mad and grounded me for a month. That would usually be normal except for the fact that I'm 27 and live in my own apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 591

You deserved it 6 251

28/02/2012 18:20

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 245

You deserved it 2 805

19/05/2009 21:51

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 595

You deserved it 74 656

26/05/2013 00:45

Today, my parents told me they're glad I'm an "ugly nerd" because they don't have to worry about me getting into trouble or having a teen pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 713

You deserved it 4 586

22/10/2018 03:00

Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 442

You deserved it 352

24/09/2012 02:26

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 505

You deserved it 1 555

29/01/2014 05:13

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 526

You deserved it 12 242

05/06/2016 21:59

Today, I was swimming in a public pool, and I felt a tug on my swimming trunks. It was my grandma snorkeling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 681

You deserved it 1 211

OK, now that's gross

By CM112 - 27/10/2019 06:00

Today, I found a piece of a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth. I haven't eaten popcorn in over a week and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 1 186

08/06/2013 04:42

Today, at the gym, my boobs were jiggling more than the girl next to me. This would be a good thing, if I wasn't a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 757

You deserved it 16 805

03/10/2012 04:25

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 697

You deserved it 6 469

10/11/2016 14:29

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 720

You deserved it 749

14/07/2014 02:10

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 663

You deserved it 9 590

17/01/2018 09:00

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 4 734

24/05/2013 12:26

Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 124

You deserved it 45 756

08/01/2012 00:12

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 936

You deserved it 15 203

28/01/2019 02:00

Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 6 485

20/03/2014 20:23

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 817

You deserved it 3 441

20/01/2009 08:27

Today, my mom just handed me a book called "100 Ways To Motivate Yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 343

You deserved it 5 990

11/12/2010 07:12

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 423

You deserved it 34 133

05/08/2013 05:11

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 540

You deserved it 4 857

13/08/2009 18:17

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 214

You deserved it 13 201

10/10/2015 04:50

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 589

You deserved it 1 829

25/08/2010 00:08

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 496

You deserved it 28 291

Are you taking the piss?

By Anonymous - 28/05/2019 14:00

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 848

26/10/2009 18:32

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 186

You deserved it 5 324

30/04/2017 12:00

Today, after two months of being teased by my friends for getting wasted and passing out from only one shot, I learned that I wasn't actually too weak to handle the alcohol. My "friends" had secretly laced my drink with sleeping pills. They're now teasing me for believing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 384

You deserved it 465

04/11/2011 06:57

Today, my father decided that since I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, he would buy me a book on how to talk to girls. The book is written by a 9-year-old kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 588

You deserved it 6 802

Send 'em in anyway

By mega_bite - 25/08/2021 13:31

Today, again I wrote out another FML. Again, I deleted it before posting. Every FML I write would seem like I'm just making stuff up, or would be so obviously me that it would just cause me grief. My life is just an endless stream of weird stuff I can't tell family or friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 247

28/04/2009 03:06

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117 166

You deserved it 9 262

02/12/2017 19:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 838

You deserved it 2 194

26/01/2015 01:41

Today, I went to work with a great attitude, something that doesn't happen often. It was shortly ruined after some lady yelled at me because I accidentally shorted her one penny. Yep. One single penny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 182

You deserved it 3 876

09/08/2019 14:00

Today, I was prescribed two different medications. I was also informed that they will both give me diarrhea for the next two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 87

25/02/2012 21:38

Today, while waiting for my grandmother at the train station, a girl walked out and climbed into my car. When I cleared my throat to tell her of her mistake, she screamed and ran out as if I was a criminal trying to abduct her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 000

You deserved it 2 382

Gross!

By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 168

You deserved it 2 436

22/01/2010 06:25

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 989

You deserved it 41 170

10/02/2017 09:00

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 719

You deserved it 961

21/02/2009 05:36

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 421

You deserved it 52 869

08/02/2012 13:08

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 208

You deserved it 4 103

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Top comments

BeautifulMine 16

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Friday 3 February 2017 21:36

He may not enjoy it much later

jc1015 23

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Friday 27 September 2019 12:46

enjoy that vet bill YDI

Comments

BeautifulMine 16

Send a private message

Friday 3 February 2017 21:36

He may not enjoy it much later

jc1015 23

Send a private message

Friday 27 September 2019 12:46

enjoy that vet bill YDI