Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat... - FML

By targetlove - 10/1/2010 01:23 - Australia

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

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Innocent

Empathy hurts

Headache

By Anonymous - 28/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

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By Teamarie - 11/8/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By Lordy - 3/8/2016 11:33 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

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By BSwan - 15/3/2011 00:57 - Australia

Today, a frog made my hot tub his new home. I can't stand frogs and he moves lightening fast. I think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him. Which I would do if my daughter didn't already adore him. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2019 02:01

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 23:02 - Germany - Köln

Yummy

Today, I discovered that 90% of what I do still works on autopilot when I’m too tired to pay attention: Take coffee cup, walk to fridge, open fridge door, grab bottle, pour contents into coffee. The missing 10% was the fact that this particular bottle contained grapefruit juice. FML

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By pinkXpress1023 - 8/7/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2012 04:09 - United States - Aston

Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML

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By CheatedOn - 14/2/2010 15:19 - Romania

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. She told me it was because she missed me so much. FML

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By LiquorChick - 20/1/2012 08:23 - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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By VCR - 20/12/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2013 21:32 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I played a friendly prank on my dad, loosening the legs of his chair so it would fall apart when he sat on it. He responded by making me stand outside and watch as he keyed both sides of my car, front to back, as punishment. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 00:49 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

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By hatemyboss - 13/4/2012 00:37 - United States - Alameda

Today, I asked my boss if I could have a bigger cubicle. I'm now working in one that is half the size of my old one. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By JulesBlues - 9/7/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By Greig - 22/5/2011 12:18 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor of twelve years at the grocery store. Being friendly, I went over to say hello. After I did, she responded by saying that she didn't know me but I look familiar. Finally, she remembered why I'm familiar saying that I look like the dorky guy from Two and a Half Men. FML

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By ManchotDesAndes - 26/2/2015 07:35 - France - Bezons

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

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By "daddyrobyn" - 18/12/2018 13:30

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

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By skc - 14/3/2009 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave myself a facial with one of those masks you leave on for a while. I busied myself by tidying my room while it dried and eventually forgot all about it. I finally remembered about it after I answered the door to the postman. Not embarassing enough? I'm a guy. FML

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By AmberHavoc - 2/1/2013 15:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

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By Goldar - 10/4/2013 02:44 - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

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By still hungry - 21/4/2012 13:04 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML

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By thenewgirl29 - 5/2/2015 16:42 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML

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By ripo95 - 26/11/2008 06:18 - France

Today, I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn't shaved. FML

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By Sarah - 10/3/2009 17:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

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By SchoolSucks - 19/2/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

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By Lulu - 5/12/2013 23:39 - United States - Imperial

Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML

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By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By handlin - 14/1/2010 06:45 - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 21:14 - United States

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 18:30 - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

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By atleastwedidntdie - 2/9/2017 23:15

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

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By xx-look-at-xx - 13/4/2013 00:14 - France - Auriol

Today, I was supervising some kids, who were playing on a bouncy castle. One of them managed to kick me in the face during a jump, and looking for an apology, I asked, "What do you say?" He paused, then shouted, "HEADSHOTTTTT!" FML

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By sqquish - 1/3/2016 18:48 - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

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Top comments

By sweatnut | 0

#765688 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

that must be a pain in the ass. New definition of my ass is on fire.

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#765687 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

Hey, at least you didn't shit yourself... but you gotta ask yourself, was the rush worth it?

COMMENTS

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#765687 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

Hey, at least you didn't shit yourself... but you gotta ask yourself, was the rush worth it?

Reply

billyhirvine09 | 0

#977778 - Sunday 11 April 2010 16:14

YDI for saying bum

Reply

ARScratch | 0

#1078702 - Sunday 11 July 2010 10:49

lol I hate 'bum'

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1335630 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 22:19

what's wrong with bum hmmm??? O.o

By sweatnut | 0

#765688 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

that must be a pain in the ass. New definition of my ass is on fire.

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3507450 - Saturday 29 October 2011 6:00

Damn wasps

By pwincessa23 | 1

#765692 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:09

Hey at least now u got a J. Lo butt. too bad it's just one cheeck!

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#765693 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:10

Holy bum cheek Batman..

Reply

whataloadofbull | 0

#765949 - Sunday 10 January 2010 13:57

wut

Reply

XFlyingxPiranhaX | 0

#880050 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:10

*sigh* Really? Do you really have to have this explained?

Reply

WearingHats | 14

#1441486 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 13:50

Someone has never seen the old Batman. 'Tis a darn shame.

By beanerkid | 0

#765698 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:11

hope you dont have to go swimming anytime soon

By littlelizard111 | 0

#765701 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:15

I agree with # 547!!!!!

By chaos753159 | 4

#765716 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:23

hope u dont enjoy sitting

By jam_21 | 0

#765741 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:33

that sounds really really painful.... FYL, no one deserves to have their ass bitten by an angry wasp while they're on the pot trying to take a leak.....

By null_fml | 11

#765746 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:44

So you didn't change your pants before going to the computer to type up an FML? Well.. whatever salts your melon, I guess.

By 24788 | 6

#765759 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:53

Clearly you should of waited for the bee to go first. YDI