Animals: Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat... - FML

By targetlove - Australia

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Serious times

Slow moving accident

By aireeahna - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

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By

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 14:00

Lightweight

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

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By iAmJasper - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML

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By raven_of_azarath

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

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By zcollins - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

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By puppydrama - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

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By Boss Troubles - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

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By TheStroker

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

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By UhOh - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

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By hustled - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the painting I worked on for three weeks was rejected from an art contest because the rules prohibit fan art. It wasn't fan art. They mistook it for Twilight fan art. FML

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By yek - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 05:00

Manly men fighting

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out that you can give your grandpa a Vietnam flashback when you set off a leftover firecracker from New Years. I also found out that a 76 year old hits pretty fucking hard when freaking out. FML

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By Muffinhater - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

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By WarMachine68 - United States - Shawnee

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

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By sammy77sam - Saint Kitts and Nevis - Basseterre

Today, I told my girlfriend about my extreme fear of flying roaches. She immediately got upset because she thought, since I'm from the Caribbean, I would be "manlier" and "eat stuff like that for breakfast". FML

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By Anonymous

Stir crazy

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

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By Steve - 3/4/2021 21:59 - United Kingdom

Don't be a dingdong

Today, my daughter's boyfriend came to the house to pick her up. As a responsible father, I had an evil plan to torture the boy who dares date my girl, but my wife preempted my plan so during his short visit, she stood behind me the whole time with her taser down my buttcrack in case I acted up. FML

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By Fran - New Zealand

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By Jack Faire

Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

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By Grossed Out - United States

Today, my mother got incredibly drunk. She told me that only "sluts and whores" shave their pubes. She then told me that she's never once trimmed or shaved her pubes, because she's "moral." Thanks for that mental image, mom. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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By gaga - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 23:01

Sounds reasonable

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

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By FromNL - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

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By Addigirl - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML

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By Bob

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By shaggy - Canada

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing 'It Wasn't Me' by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

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By lexithepirate - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

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By Bestbirthday - United States - Bastrop

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

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Top comments

By sweatnut | 0

#765688 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

that must be a pain in the ass. New definition of my ass is on fire.

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#765687 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

Hey, at least you didn't shit yourself... but you gotta ask yourself, was the rush worth it?

COMMENTS

By Jonesy_fml | 0

#765687 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

Hey, at least you didn't shit yourself... but you gotta ask yourself, was the rush worth it?

Reply

billyhirvine09 | 0

#977778 - Sunday 11 April 2010 16:14

YDI for saying bum

Reply

ARScratch | 0

#1078702 - Sunday 11 July 2010 10:49

lol I hate 'bum'

Reply

KarinaLizeth18 | 5

#1335630 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 22:19

what's wrong with bum hmmm??? O.o

By sweatnut | 0

#765688 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:06

that must be a pain in the ass. New definition of my ass is on fire.

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3507450 - Saturday 29 October 2011 6:00

Damn wasps

By pwincessa23 | 1

#765692 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:09

Hey at least now u got a J. Lo butt. too bad it's just one cheeck!

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#765693 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:10

Holy bum cheek Batman..

Reply

whataloadofbull | 0

#765949 - Sunday 10 January 2010 13:57

wut

Reply

XFlyingxPiranhaX | 0

#880050 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:10

*sigh* Really? Do you really have to have this explained?

Reply

WearingHats | 14

#1441486 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 13:50

Someone has never seen the old Batman. 'Tis a darn shame.

By beanerkid | 0

#765698 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:11

hope you dont have to go swimming anytime soon

By littlelizard111 | 0

#765701 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:15

I agree with # 547!!!!!

By chaos753159 | 4

#765716 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:23

hope u dont enjoy sitting

By jam_21 | 0

#765741 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:33

that sounds really really painful.... FYL, no one deserves to have their ass bitten by an angry wasp while they're on the pot trying to take a leak.....

By null_fml | 11

#765746 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:44

So you didn't change your pants before going to the computer to type up an FML? Well.. whatever salts your melon, I guess.

By 24788 | 6

#765759 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:53

Clearly you should of waited for the bee to go first. YDI