Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML
Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML
Today, my father-in-law confessed during dinner that he watched me and my wife have sex that morning through the window. He even more awkwardly brought it back up later that evening to say I seemed very good at it, and tried asking for details about me and my wife’s sex life. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML
Today, I learned that my insecurities regarding my dick size were unfounded, as my girlfriend gushed over my dick and said it was amazing. We then got down to business, and almost immediately heard, "Ow! Fuck, that's my cervix! This hurts! Stop!" FML
Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML
Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML
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Top comments
mduffy08 8
It really can't get any more awkward.
sillydumpling 0
Give him a lengthy description about the mating patterns between you and his daughter
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Comments (72)
mduffy08 8
It really can't get any more awkward.
TheGreatAlexande 12
Yea it could, he could have said "would you like me to show you"....
Torva_fml 16
Or... "here, I'll go get my wife. She can tell you all about it!"
blackheart24 10
Still a better love story than twilight.
Birdie_Sage 0
Just nod and walk away...
ClassyCommando 13
That awkward moment when he brings his wife into the room and she's a lioness.
bioboy725 10
Lions only mate in quick short bursts anyway. They have sex for hours but with many different lionesses.
JiggaJayZ 16
King of the jungle? Not
iBanana 17
Lions don't live in jungles.
The_Hitdude 12
Dad FTW! But I'll never look at the 'Can Feel the Love Tonight?' scene of The Lion King the same way again...
biggestfan23 11
That's one of the best scenes in Lion King. It's crucial to the structure of the movie
kissmybuttque 0
Hahaha! Neither will I....
theamazingone_12 7
The phrase "hakuna matata" actually means lion sodomy in the african language of yoruba. its used to coax their homosexual mate into relaxing and having butt sex, hence "no worries"
Sebastian_NG 17
I hope you didn't mention that kind of details about yourself to him as well OP
KeyboardWarrior 10
He better not let the lion hear him say that. It'll prove that to him that it's the REAL king of the jungle.
KeyboardWarrior 10
Whoa that makes no sense. It'll prove to him that*. My bad.
monster_tamer 11
Tigers are king of the jungle. Lions don't live in jungles. :)
SpottedZebra42 14
51 - It's my mistake, not my bad. I'm no grammar Nazi, but that is one of my pet peeves.
resshead 0
Quality time.
SkyBirdy 5
Love your picture
Pelreskovich 11
He also learned how to draw a cross on his mate's forehead with his semen and whisper "Simba" in their ear.
relohel 2
Tfln
sillydumpling 0
Give him a lengthy description about the mating patterns between you and his daughter
Gondile 4
At least he wasn't lyin'
ifoundalaska 11
I would like to know more about the barbed penis
marinus_fml 20
Go google it.
Birdie_Sage 0
Go meet a lion.
slick5880 22
The barbs of a lion's penis are quite sharp and jagged. With the appearance of a long fish hook, the lion's penis has been known to rip through flesh and bone, and it is sometimes used as a weapon.
greeneyedpothead 10
So I guess lions are real kinky huh?! Who knew... 0.o
JediScum 1
That is exactly what I thought. So I youtubed it. Ouch.