Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam... - FML

By beachbum - 27/2/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles and stood up, flipping him completely, only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I flipped a 70 year old man. FML

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Hello everyone!

Higher standards

Clocked

By Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis - 7/8/2015 02:55 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

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By jigglypluff - 19/11/2014 05:27 - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed." FML

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By MIND BLOWING - 20/10/2012 13:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2015 02:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has a beautiful daughter. That's cool, except she's 1 year old. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 10/2/2012 09:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to cheer me up after I'd had a sleepless night. He thought it would be a good time to propose. Unfortunately, it coincided with me yawning. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 16:06

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML

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By DramaQueen - 19/7/2009 06:45 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. As I left his house and began to drive away, I see him chasing after my car barefoot. I stop and roll down the window, ready to listen to the speech he has prepared to win me over with. He takes a moment to catch his breath and says "I want my cellphone back". FML

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By redneckpunk - 16/3/2015 19:15 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

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By Emily - 1/8/2012 05:44 - Canada - Baden

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

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By Schrewt - 24/1/2010 08:50 - France

Today, my friends and I went camping. In the middle of the night, they carried me deep into the forest and left me there. I stepped on a beehive as I walked back to the tent. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 11:45 - United States - Gorham

Today, after 8 months of being belittled and treated like trash at my job as a prep cook in a high-end kitchen, I stood up for myself to the line cooks. Not only did everyone laugh at me, I got fired for causing a scene during service and insubordination. FML

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By Danny - 25/4/2011 13:07

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

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By dayum - 10/12/2009 21:03 - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

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By Fartfail - 18/4/2012 13:43 - Hong Kong - Corozal

Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

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By Carl - 16/10/2011 12:47 - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

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By charliebravo77 - 9/12/2011 20:14 - United States

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss' car. FML

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By blind - 24/6/2009 12:11 - South Africa

Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

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By Luke - 7/11/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 13:03 - New Zealand

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 12:22

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2018 14:00

Today, after weeks of no sex, my boyfriend finally decided to have sex with me. While we were getting into it I accidentally farted in his face while his mouth was open. No more sex for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 09:54 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I needed to buy a new helmet. When I got to the sport shop, there was only one left in my size and preferred color. 30 minutes after buying it, my head starts itching. Turns out I paid $40 for lice. FML

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By idiot - 9/7/2012 21:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

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By Mayo - 4/12/2018 13:30

Today, I met one of my favorite fitness models. She told me I need to get in shape. I weigh 150lbs. FML

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By thankzbabe - 4/1/2012 12:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

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By - 13/3/2019 12:00

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 04:57 - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

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By surfernerd6987 - 11/6/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

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By sad-boing - 2/10/2015 21:01 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

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By Our Talisman - 1/8/2010 19:41 - France

Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML

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By Perry85 - 4/3/2020 03:02

Cloud Cuckooland

Today, my girlfriend's husband heard us having sex, but he's so naive, he believed her when she said we were just watching porn. FML

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By babyeaternomnom - 30/6/2012 16:22 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

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By Jacquelinez - 20/5/2012 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 00:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I fainted due to the excitement. He took it as a "no" and won't pick up my calls. FML

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By KPKallery - 5/6/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By Rabzouz - 20/12/2008 08:16 - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 23:07 - Canada

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 22:00

And now, on Judge Judy

Today, I found out my roommates spent my rent money and told the landlord I never paid. I've paid my rent and theirs the past 6 months. My name's on the lease. FML

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Top comments

By ohdamn_fml | 2

#8629 - Friday 27 February 2009 16:56

I often mistake my young friends for old people...

By borba72 | 0

#8616 - Friday 27 February 2009 16:38

Man...what did the old man do to you then?

COMMENTS

By yougotboyed | 0

#8596 - Friday 27 February 2009 16:16

thats was not clever...

north london collegiant girls are gay btw

Reply

zebraface123 | 6

#3563558 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 18:25

so you're saying your friend looks like a 70 year old man?

Reply

UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#5620728 - Saturday 10 August 2013 3:15

Just his legs I guess

Reply

Peachy2392 | 26

#5744782 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 21:20

If he was under water, it may not have been as clear.

By Tri_fml | 5

#8605 - Friday 27 February 2009 16:25

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Epic win!

By borba72 | 0

#8616 - Friday 27 February 2009 16:38

Man...what did the old man do to you then?

By ohdamn_fml | 2

#8629 - Friday 27 February 2009 16:56

I often mistake my young friends for old people...

By camis | 0

#8630 - Friday 27 February 2009 16:59

@#4

Ever heard of southern hemisphere, buddy?

By ohgeez | 0

#8646 - Friday 27 February 2009 17:18

Going to agree with #5 here. Do you have poor eye sight?

Not a single one of my friends look like a 70 year old man from any angle. White hair or lack of hair is generally a dead giveaway.

Reply

Xmarshall16X | 5

#2651017 - Friday 10 June 2011 1:07

He was underwater already from being dunked. He just turned around a grabbed a pair of feet as he went up..

Reply

RockinRoyaltyxD | 13

#4833504 - Sunday 19 August 2012 10:59

Op said moments later.

By Bibico_fml | 0

#8692 - Friday 27 February 2009 18:42

Look at the bright side: At least you didn't grab his package under the water.

By Bzrider4lyfe | 0

#8706 - Friday 27 February 2009 19:19

This is too funny, thats the most excitement that old guy has had in a long time.

north london collegiant girls are gay? What the hell?

I mistake my friends for a-holes sometimes, what a minute...

By LMFAOsabrina | 0

#8759 - Friday 27 February 2009 21:03

OMFG! xDD

Thats hilarious.

By hallucinog3n | 0

#8854 - Friday 27 February 2009 22:33

did this poor man survive the hyrdo-heart attack that you induced? tell the whole story!