Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went... - FML

By iailwkrb - 26/2/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

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Dangling modifier

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom - Kent

Today, after years of bad blood, my husband decided to invite his parents to dinner. After making rude remarks about my pregnancy, his dad eventually muttered that I'm a slut. My husband punched him, his wife called the police, and now I'm all alone while he sits in a jail cell for battery. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 04:38

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 16:28 - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

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By cap - 9/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Manhattan

Last trip

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 22:00

Today, I threatened to break up with my boyfriend over the Trolley Games in Toontown Rewritten for trying to sabotage my scores. We're 24 and 26. FML

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By LukeSkywalker - 23/12/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of 4 years through a speech that took me 3 weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 03:20 - United States - Auburn

Today, I fell in the shower and the doors jammed shut. I was stuck in there for hours, waiting for my parents to come home. They had to open the door for me while I was still naked inside. FML

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By cherokeems - 26/3/2015 17:44 - United States - Harriman

Today, my girlfriend of a month told me that the only thing keeping her from swallowing a bottle of pills is being in a relationship with me, because she doesn't handle breakups well. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 12/7/2020 08:01

Boom!

Today, I was laying with my cat when someone set off a firework next to my window. Now I have stitches and a bed covered in blood. FML

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By anonymous - 19/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

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By shellski - 21/1/2012 01:21 - United States

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

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By ShouldIHelpIt - 18/5/2016 02:46 - United States - Northampton

Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML

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By Username - 12/9/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

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By DangerZone - 12/11/2009 03:05 - United States

Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 15:58 - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 16:29 - United States - Cass Lake

Today, my boss told me I got my new job because she rejected candidates that seemed "too confident" or "too pretty." FML

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By ayeayeboy19 - 11/9/2014 14:57 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

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By PissNTra - 19/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 00:53 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

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By UglyApparently - 5/10/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML

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By Cuntface McGee - 21/2/2014 21:37 - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

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By kippis05 - 17/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

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By Sad Nerd - 2/4/2014 08:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2014 22:05 - United States - Littleton

Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML

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By fml - 20/5/2010 21:32 - Canada

Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

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By KittKatt - 20/5/2015 05:34 - United States - Lehighton

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

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By Username - 4/8/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

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By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

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By Nikki - 18/3/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

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By Anonyme - 2/9/2015 04:21 - France - Mitry-mory

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

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By annoyed - 20/2/2013 20:33 - United States - Paradise Valley

Today, I was so exhausted that I slept through my phone ringing, and later my doorbell ringing. My psycho mom freaked out, and thinking I was in trouble, broke a window to get inside. This all happened before 7am. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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By Kikinovak - 13/12/2008 12:06 - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 21:49 - Australia

Today, my cat vomited violently. I can smell it but I can't find it. FML

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By lonely - 5/2/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2014 03:50 - United States - La Grange

Today, I wanted to pretend to have a seizure so my baby sister could know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she decided to drink my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By ournhd - 13/11/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML

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Top comments

By arcxjo | 2

#7923 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:15

You could have just NOT BROUGHT LUBE TO A BABYSITTING GIG. Leave it at home, or in the car, or anywhere else. How urgent a need could have presented itself in the circumstances?

By Lick_yer_face | 0

#7912 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:07

Yeah... I would have definitely taken it off her, and then made sure I never left my purse laying around again...

I bet it was fun calming the kids down though... you go to grab them and they slip right out of your hands. XD

COMMENTS

By Betty7 | 0

#7909 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

D37H100 | 5

#4154441 - Monday 12 March 2012 18:14

Maybe look at the gender symbole and you will know OP is female.

Reply

Rinat_fml | 26

#4554300 - Monday 11 June 2012 23:39

It's not trong if it was an accident you noob.

Reply

tacojauns | 45

#5389239 - Saturday 2 March 2013 6:00

guys always carry a purse right? right?

By Lick_yer_face | 0

#7912 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:07

Yeah... I would have definitely taken it off her, and then made sure I never left my purse laying around again...

I bet it was fun calming the kids down though... you go to grab them and they slip right out of your hands. XD

By Betty7 | 0

#7914 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:08

#2 - What would you have done? Try to explain what lube is?

Reply

Illumi113 | 0

#487238 - Friday 14 August 2009 23:47

No, I would have said it was lotion, or it was none of her business, and then taken it away from her either way. You deserve it for taking your lube with you to a babysitting job and then being negligent enough to just leave it with her when you went to the bathroom. YDI, but FYL too.

Reply

HamsteronA | 0

#855943 - Monday 15 February 2010 0:12

hehe your comment is no. 69 I'm so immature but that made me laugh with what you posted

By arcxjo | 2

#7923 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:15

You could have just NOT BROUGHT LUBE TO A BABYSITTING GIG. Leave it at home, or in the car, or anywhere else. How urgent a need could have presented itself in the circumstances?

Reply

samsam23t | 8

#6418093 - Wednesday 23 September 2015 21:47

if a kid got their hand stuck and none of the usual tricks were working

Reply

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6625176 - Friday 10 June 2016 15:55

Maybe she forgot it was in there? The better question is why are children going through your purse? Did you let her or is she a nosey little shit?

By Karen_fml | 0

#7925 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:17

Bring your purse with you in the bathroom when you babysit. Everyone knows how children are curious and wanna touch & try everything. Deserved.

By Bzrider4lyfe | 0

#7938 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:27

why do you carry lube in your purse, just in case? this one is your fault

By iivs | 0

#7939 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:27

That was so funny

By ohgeez | 0

#7943 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:29

At what point did you think to take it away from them?

"What's this?"
"Oh that's a knife....I'm just going to walk away and leave it in your hands because clearly...NOTHING bad could happen."

By Heidi_fml | 0

#7945 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:33

Oh crap, that sucks. You should have put your purse where they couldn't get to it after that.

By Poky_fml | 3

#7953 - Thursday 26 February 2009 20:38

Why the f*** would you bring lube for babysitting? Are you a working on the street after that or what?