Love: Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on,... - FML

By thetheatreguy - 26/02/2009 14:56 - Canada

Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on, over drinks we get talking and I explain how I came out to my friends and family. When I ask him how he came out, he replies that he isn't gay, and oh, did I think this was a date? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 506

You deserved it 12 788

There's no helping some people

Great party, eh?

Bum note

By artsmart1 - 06/03/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 273

You deserved it 2 917

By Love stinks - 19/08/2013 13:06 - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 376

You deserved it 4 726

By Anonymous - 06/08/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 659

You deserved it 15 222

By Anonymous - 31/08/2019 06:03 - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 096

You deserved it 131

Increase school funding, please?

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 20:00

Today, my teacher began to explain Veterans' Day and why it's on 11/11 to a new student from Iran. He said he already knew, but this was news to almost everyone else in the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 281

You deserved it 182

By crankg - 21/10/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 541

You deserved it 55 245

By sometingwong - 01/12/2011 20:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 183

You deserved it 3 420

By fuckcops - 13/06/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 761

You deserved it 29 614

Anticlimactic

By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 291

By no more flips - 17/05/2015 14:05 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 724

You deserved it 7 001

By socksoffire - 17/03/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 043

You deserved it 4 817

By theorifice - 16/06/2010 16:28 - Canada

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 140

You deserved it 43 200

Run for the hills!

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 17:00

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 070

You deserved it 221

By lonelygirl - 14/10/2012 12:43 - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 419

You deserved it 3 675

Who's there?

By messy jessy - 07/09/2020 11:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 1 480

By sopathetic - 26/02/2009 04:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 887

You deserved it 21 990

By chronic masticator - 21/05/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 208

You deserved it 799

By mybfthecrossdresser - 20/01/2015 15:08 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 821

You deserved it 3 975

By 303 - 05/07/2012 20:24 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 797

You deserved it 2 652

By Dave - 27/09/2012 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 225

You deserved it 2 281

By Crumpet - 25/06/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 933

You deserved it 5 274

By redneckfamily - 24/05/2013 07:06 - United States - Roy

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 926

You deserved it 3 659

By someone - 29/07/2011 18:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 730

You deserved it 5 353

By Brian B - 13/09/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 944

You deserved it 25 369

By ugh, why - 22/11/2015 05:12 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 805

You deserved it 2 974

By Crappyfayman - 23/02/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 637

You deserved it 3 573

By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 18:06 - United States - Kennewick

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 741

You deserved it 1 722

By Username - 29/07/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 883

You deserved it 6 283

By fml - 22/05/2012 23:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 563

You deserved it 4 680

By Ange - 15/01/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my daughter why her Facebook profile isn't a valid piece of ID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 393

You deserved it 5 074

By Renée - 25/08/2018 03:30

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house till after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 034

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 19/09/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I had my 3 year old son in the doctors office. During the exam, he informed the doctor that he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed anymore because mommy sleeps in her underwear and farts all night long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 161

You deserved it 8 560

By FirstDaddy - 16/06/2014 21:38 - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 189

You deserved it 4 453

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They're everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 773

You deserved it 2 686

By xxxkkxxx - 29/07/2011 15:37 - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 721

You deserved it 3 320

By Anonymous - 05/03/2013 18:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 140

You deserved it 5 409

By stoopidpoop - 05/02/2010 00:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my girlfriend's father that I wanted to talk about his daughter. I then went on to tell him I was thinking about 'popping the cherry', instead of 'popping the question'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 929

You deserved it 13 723

By Shamu - 27/02/2011 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 927

You deserved it 7 057

By Greg - 11/02/2013 04:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 509

You deserved it 2 531

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 14:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 816

You deserved it 7 429

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Top comments

snapperturtle 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:04

How did you manage to arrange a date with someone who didn't know it was a date?

Lick_yer_face 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:12

Look on the bright side: you had a fun time at least. On the not so bright side: Oh dear god.

Comments

snapperturtle 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:04

How did you manage to arrange a date with someone who didn't know it was a date?

pu13 5

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Sunday 2 May 2010 4:10

73 and 74 ur assholes it's not his fault

dabomblyktiktikk 0

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Monday 3 May 2010 5:39

74, im just curious, y?

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Friday 7 May 2010 18:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 25 June 2010 5:37

oh god the gay debate. I strongly think all gays , lesbians, and bisexuals, have all the same rights as straight people. there's nothing wrong with them. it's just who they choose to love. :)

Send a private message

Friday 23 July 2010 23:18

and that's why 84 is my new best friend

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Sunday 8 August 2010 8:16

but you're not hers :P

loludeserveit 0

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Sunday 8 August 2010 9:05

as a straight dude, gay/bi dudes are funny as shit, and I would be in a bad place, wardrobe-wise, without them. bi/lesbian women are just plain fuckin' hot, regardless what race, age, etc they are. (except old, wrinkly, excessively fat, or otherwise fuckin' disgusting) kthxbai

Frazzle_Dazzle 0

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Tuesday 10 August 2010 18:52

@73, 74, 76, 79, and 82. They still make you people?

stopreadingmynam 0

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Wednesday 11 August 2010 18:50

wow, you guys all suck. there's nothing wrong with being gay.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:10

awwwww!!!!! that really sucks :(.

Lick_yer_face 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:12

Look on the bright side: you had a fun time at least. On the not so bright side: Oh dear god.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:26

Been there :( It can be hard to tell when 85% of the world assumes everyone is straight, so there's no way you could possibly be interested in them.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:31

Is Gaydar a myth? I'm sincerely curious and asking.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 20:38

I'm a lesbian and while I can spot gay men a mile off, I have the hardest time telling who is and isn't a lesbian.

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Saturday 20 June 2009 1:25

me too but the problem is im not sure if im lez or not

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Thursday 26 February 2009 21:06

He's probably just still in the closet. Keep at him ;)

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Thursday 26 February 2009 21:14

From a fellow gay guy without gaydar to another, i totally feel for ya. This is my WORST nightmare. But, if u got that far with him, he is probably on the fence himself, so i would not let that one go if i were u.

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Monday 7 June 2010 8:43

eat if he just wants a friend. I have a lez friend and I hang out with her and it doesn't mean I like her like that

potentpotable 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 21:23

Gay people don't automatically have superb Gaydars? Wow I'm blissfully ignorant.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 21:58

Today, I grabbed a cup of coffee with a buddy of mine. Turns out he thought it was a date. I'm straight. FML

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 82

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 44