By sammatthews2007 - United States

Call the cops

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

Judge and jury

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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By whatthehell - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a friends trampoline trying to convince my mom trampolines are safe and I should get one. While telling her I smashed my knee into my face. I jumped off bleeding, slipped, hit my head on the trampoline, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By Firepussy911

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

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By kanmcdan

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a Snowshoeing date. I felt sick and suggested we turn back. He said I could wait in the car and continued on the date alone. He was gone for hours, while I was stuck alone in a national park with no cell reception, food, or water. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

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By bonzo - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after I drove two hours to his house, because he wanted to do it face to face. Then told me that if I wanted, we could have sex one last time, but I would have to leave right after, otherwise it would be weird. FML

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By Joey - Canada

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

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By mayoshampoo - Canada - Toronto

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

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By im_radd - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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By nerdygirl101 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By Cooky - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

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By anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

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By 0h_Boy

Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

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By Eric

Shut up and take it

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 19:58

F*ck the patriarchy

Today, I watched as my girlfriend painfully plucked her eyebrows for half an hour. She is willing to do this, but not shave her armpits on a regular basis. FML

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By Granny - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a nice moment with my granddaughter as she was being affectionate by stroking my face. We were both quite content, until she said, "Aw, Grandma, your skin feels just like a crocodile." FML

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By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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By writer4life - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 08:01

Gig economy

Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By hcfan - Australia

Today, a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair. I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML

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By May - 10/1/2021 20:01

Cart Narcs will get ya!

Today, my dad forced me to leave my empty shopping cart in the middle of a store, rather than return it to the corral. My dad’s word is law, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole I am. FML

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By Fonz - United States

Today, I was driving home from college when I saw a couple of sporty chicks jogging on the side of the road. I honked at them and yelled suggestively as I do at college, which usually gets a fun flirty reaction from college girls. It was my next-door neighbor and her 11 year old daughter. FML

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By SexyPlayer9 - United States

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

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By shadow - United States - Osceola

Today, my mother-in-law told my fiancé that I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. I own the house. She’s mad because I locked the door so she couldn't walk in anytime she wanted. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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By EB - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - College Station

Today, I have such severe ADD that I can't focus without my medication. When I take the medication, I can only focus on one thing, but not necessarily the thing I need to be focusing on. I have a chem test soon, and I've been vacuuming my room for the past 4 hours. FML

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By Pouya - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By sheWontbeOnMyZombieApocteam - United States - Killeen

Today, while walking home with my girlfriend we decided to take a shortcut in the woods. After hearing a huge noise, she pushed me and ran. FML

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By smellslikeahangover - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waiting for an interview at the career that I've been spending months tailoring my résumé for, I was thrown up on by my only competitor. Guess who got the job. FML

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By yanksbitethebig1 - United States

Today, I heard back from my store management interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called HR to find out if my application was in the wrong file I was told I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML

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By PackingSpaceHeat - United States

Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML

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Top comments

By amelinat | 0

#7041 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:46

The crazy woman needs professional help - call the police, get your dog back and get her sectioned.

By curious_missy | 0

#7037 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:21

FML for the getting back of puppies!!! UNITE!!!!

COMMENTS

By curious_missy | 0

#7037 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:21

FML for the getting back of puppies!!! UNITE!!!!

Reply

mygiraffe | 1

#1087156 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 3:32

hahahah.

Reply

brivielle | 15

#5951995 - Wednesday 21 May 2014 8:38

lmao!!! She sounds like fun

By Tri_fml | 5

#7040 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:45

Rofl.
So you post on FML instead of calling the cops? GG!

Seriously though, thats messed up o.o

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5957601 - Tuesday 27 May 2014 15:11

why oh why do people assume people write the FML immediately after the bad thing happened? why people don't understand an FML takes days to get published? think people.

By amelinat | 0

#7041 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:46

The crazy woman needs professional help - call the police, get your dog back and get her sectioned.

Reply

KingZaneXII | 6

#1266197 - Thursday 19 August 2010 3:24

Or it's remains...

By suyci | 0

#7046 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By KatieWagnerFab | 0

#7048 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:58

I hope you called the police on that hussy.

By fgsfds | 3

#7050 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 12:59

Phone the police you idiot.

Reply

IntoTheClouds | 42

#4889205 - Monday 3 September 2012 1:34

How do you know he didn't, "idiot?"

By roflcoptin | 0

#7057 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 13:26

definitely call the police

By 2random | 0

#7061 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 13:46

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By barefoot | 0

#7066 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 13:54

Oh my god, your dog DIED? That's so sad! :( Call the police, people like your ex shouldn't be allowed to walk free...

Reply

glorykitten | 0

#4398966 - Sunday 6 May 2012 23:45

OP never said the dog died.

By nicksterluv | 0

#7067 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 13:54

Call the popo!