Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for...

By Noname - 25/2/2009 22:06 - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

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Miscellaneous

The past that suits you best

Not a cheating!

Recycling helps

By French - 4/5/2011 17:29 - Switzerland

Today, my boss told me I'm not working hard enough because I take French classes two mornings a week and therefore I won't be getting a promotion. If I want the promotion I have to stop taking my French classes. These are the same French classes I was told I originally needed for the promotion. FML

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By A-64 - 8/5/2012 20:48 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

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By notgivingup - 1/10/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

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By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By Traveler - 9/10/2015 02:06

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By whatever - 24/11/2012 07:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me. Tomorrow he should be expecting the super long love letter that I poured my heart into and sent him a week ago. FML

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By tech_support - 4/11/2011 16:05 - Sweden

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

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By sydstreet - 9/4/2012 05:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

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By babymomma - 14/9/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

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By k - 16/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

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By skyinthesky - 11/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML

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By Fat Bastard - 20/5/2019 04:02

Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

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By parisite - 1/10/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML

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By Fatnotpregnant - 30/3/2017 16:00

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

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By superfkd - 15/3/2009 02:27 - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

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By pandabear93 - 4/9/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about when I have kids. I told her I may want two or three. She immediately cut me off and told me to stick to one, and that any more than that will be a burden. I am the second born child of my family. FML

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By IrNatalie - 2/6/2015 08:59 - United States - Laveen

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2013 00:50 - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 16:02 - United States - South Bend

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

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By Dramaqueenfornothing - 27/4/2016 22:32 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 18:17 - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

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By acnebutt - 27/8/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

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By Goody2shoes - 21/7/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By tj - 26/8/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to confront my boyfriend after finding a girl's phone number next to my bed. He said I was over reacting. When I told him it was over, he asked for the number back so he could call her. FML

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By StuckInCollegeLimbo - 30/8/2017 19:30 - United States - Riverside

Today, after going through months of registration and orientation to transfer to a university, I was told that my application was denied because I didn't meet the minimum credit requirement. You couldn't tell me this before? FML

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By slapstick1982 - 31/12/2016 17:25 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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By firedofbirthday - 14/2/2010 00:29 - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

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By 0h_Boy - 4/3/2020 18:00

Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML

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By uglyguy252 - 16/5/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

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By ManInPain - 12/7/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

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By DevastatedWoman - 11/8/2015 15:30 - Belgium - Kalmthout

Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant. Since we've been trying for several years, I called my husband to tell him the good news. Not long after, my doctor called to inform me there'd been a clerical mix-up and I'm not actually pregnant after all. FML

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By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States

Today, I've had so many family members die in the past 4 years, I now think of which pictures would look good at people's funerals when I look through photo albums. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2019 07:00 - Colombia - Bogot?

Any damage? Who nose?

Today, it's the seventh day after my nose job. I was taking something out of a box and pulled too hard. I punched myself in the nose. FML

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By shotdown - 2/12/2015 20:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

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By Myballshurt - 3/8/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2013 06:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

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Top comments

By skibob | 0

#7481 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:36

That was so evil! 20 Pounds is awesome. You should be proud!

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#7484 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:38

20 pounds is a lot, esp. in just 3 months. don't let the success stop you from maintaining it, but ignore what your mother says. she's just jealous she can't lose that much that quickly.

COMMENTS

By skibob | 0

#7481 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:36

That was so evil! 20 Pounds is awesome. You should be proud!

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#7484 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:38

20 pounds is a lot, esp. in just 3 months. don't let the success stop you from maintaining it, but ignore what your mother says. she's just jealous she can't lose that much that quickly.

By KatieWagnerFab | 0

#7486 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:40

Your mom's just jealous. Congrats!!!

By 4ube_fml | 6

#7487 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:41

keep working hard, and what's important is not how overweight you are, your health is is far more important than the idea of "thin is good".

GraveRobber14 | 13

#3238007 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:28

I think ops mom probably meant for her to maintain the weight she's at and op took it the wrong way.

By yay_fml | 0

#7491 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:46

Why is it everyone on FML has evil parents? These people need to learn how to be caring towards their kids. It's ridiculous.

TheOptimist | 0

#1099973 - Saturday 17 July 2010 2:26

Haha, umm, well everyone has evil parents because no one posts stories about how nice their parents are. This isn't MLIG.

By Nixy_fml | 0

#7493 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:47

20 pounds is amazing! I honestly couldnt lose five if I tried. Good job, ignore your mum

By KatieWagnerFab | 0

#7495 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:48

My mom says evil stuff too

By thebaroness1984 | 0

#7499 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:50

My Mom used to say stuff like that too. The goals are for you, not for her. Don't get discouraged because she's being mean. :-) Congrats.

By Neep_fml | 0

#7501 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:55

#9: Because why would nice parents be a FML story?

And congrats on the 20 pounds!

By chaaoos0013 | 0

#7527 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:20

Maybe she just meant that you're doing so well and look good... don't stop. ?