Miscellaneous: Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 37

25/02/2009 22:06

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 674

You deserved it 3 587

Mother of the year

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

09/10/2013 07:03

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 946

You deserved it 17 139

09/09/2016 21:03

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 164

You deserved it 1 861

17/09/2018 06:30

Today, my thighs started chafing 3 hours before the end of my work shift. Now they burn no matter what I do. I still have an 8-hour shift tomorrow and I can barely walk. To make it worse, my mom's only words of advice involved me losing weight so it "doesn't happen again". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 572

You deserved it 853

27/12/2011 22:32

Spicy

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 335

You deserved it 2 631

Like a virgin

By chchboy - 22/05/2012 05:05

Spicy

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 022

You deserved it 7 075

21/02/2011 10:22

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 381

You deserved it 3 579

07/03/2013 02:39

Today, I was so bored at a dinner party that I went to the bathroom to play games on my phone. One of my co-workers came in, so I rushed into a stall, but forgot to turn my phone's sound off. She heard it and said, "It's OK, music helps me shit too" and started blasting her music and grunting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 837

You deserved it 7 077

29/08/2011 17:17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 173

You deserved it 6 262

22/08/2012 20:27

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 873

You deserved it 1 994

02/04/2009 05:09

Today, as I worked the drive-through at Wendy's, the hottest girl from my math class pulled up to the window. As I handed her the drink, I asked her what she thought of our math test today. She screamed "How did you know I had a math test, you creep!", threw the drink at me, and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 978

You deserved it 7 212

PokeCrash

By BrokenPoke - 09/01/2018 09:00

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 493

You deserved it 899

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 052

You deserved it 748

15/09/2009 02:56

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 885

You deserved it 4 816

03/01/2010 12:00

Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 474

You deserved it 67 508

27/08/2009 04:12

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 630

You deserved it 3 030

13/02/2013 22:04

Today, I've been living in Kenya in a nasty apartment for so long that when I looked down into my drink and saw a dead fly, I just picked it out and continued drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 811

You deserved it 5 557

Shower sex time?

By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40

Spicy

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 649

You deserved it 40 002

The Dilbert Principle

By Anonymous - 28/05/2019 02:25

Today, I had to attend an interview in order to keep my job, despite exceeding all of my targets for over a year. My supervisor has not reached a single target at all in the same time, yet his job is safe and not under review. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 90

08/08/2014 04:27

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 817

You deserved it 4 056

11/03/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 672

You deserved it 1 517

26/07/2009 04:28

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 535

You deserved it 5 978

27/12/2009 20:48

Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 543

You deserved it 5 610

Thank God it's Monday tomorrow

By Chandra - 12/05/2019 10:00

Today, I had to pee at work. I ended up using all the toilet paper. When I opened the door to leave, a dude was waiting to use the washroom. I told him there was no more toilet paper. He goes, “You finished all of it?” I panicked and said, “No, I didn’t use any!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 492

You deserved it 568

03/12/2012 01:57

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 030

You deserved it 3 268

23/10/2014 05:18

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 711

You deserved it 3 706

Almost there

By Anonymous - 22/04/2020 14:03

Today, I discovered that my contract start date is exactly 2 days outside of the furlough date. Meaning instead of taking 80% of my salary, I'm only getting 40% (thanks to the company). This would be fine if I hadn't just moved countries to get this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 155

Excuuuuuuse me?

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 13:32

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 162

You deserved it 11 435

02/11/2011 04:32

Spicy

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 352

You deserved it 14 153

17/08/2009 19:49

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 958

You deserved it 6 101

16/12/2008 07:55

Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 045

You deserved it 2 151

30/04/2015 17:33

Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 606

You deserved it 2 875

10/05/2012 03:34

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 3 016

06/04/2016 08:34

Today, I spent hours putting together a beautifully intricate jigsaw to give to my grandmother, who likes to frame them and hang them on her wall. Just as I was about to finish it, I discovered my dog chewing the last piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 387

You deserved it 1 882

25/07/2011 02:53

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 412

You deserved it 3 747

19/05/2017 14:00

Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 599

You deserved it 900

18/05/2009 00:35

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 115

You deserved it 36 254

How? Why? What?

By Anonymous - 05/03/2021 05:01

Spicy

Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my bush was on the outside of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 362

You deserved it 1 859

02/07/2012 05:47

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 411

You deserved it 3 139

28/01/2014 20:28

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 028

You deserved it 4 309

The Hulk

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 14:01

Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 295

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:36

That was so evil! 20 Pounds is awesome. You should be proud!

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:38

20 pounds is a lot, esp. in just 3 months. don't let the success stop you from maintaining it, but ignore what your mother says. she's just jealous she can't lose that much that quickly.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:36

That was so evil! 20 Pounds is awesome. You should be proud!

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:38

20 pounds is a lot, esp. in just 3 months. don't let the success stop you from maintaining it, but ignore what your mother says. she's just jealous she can't lose that much that quickly.

KatieWagnerFab 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:40

Your mom's just jealous. Congrats!!!

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:41

keep working hard, and what's important is not how overweight you are, your health is is far more important than the idea of "thin is good".

GraveRobber14 13

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Monday 5 September 2011 6:28

I think ops mom probably meant for her to maintain the weight she's at and op took it the wrong way.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:46

Why is it everyone on FML has evil parents? These people need to learn how to be caring towards their kids. It's ridiculous.

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Saturday 17 July 2010 2:26

Haha, umm, well everyone has evil parents because no one posts stories about how nice their parents are. This isn't MLIG.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:47

20 pounds is amazing! I honestly couldnt lose five if I tried. Good job, ignore your mum

KatieWagnerFab 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:48

My mom says evil stuff too

thebaroness1984 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:50

My Mom used to say stuff like that too. The goals are for you, not for her. Don't get discouraged because she's being mean. :-) Congrats.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:55

#9: Because why would nice parents be a FML story? And congrats on the 20 pounds!

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Thursday 26 February 2009 4:20

Maybe she just meant that you're doing so well and look good... don't stop. ?