Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

by sllaggy / 04/18/2011 at 5:34am / Intimacy

Today, I thought it would be funny to tickle my daughter's foot, which she hates. One bloody nose, multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later, she's the one laughing. FML

by B / 04/18/2011 at 4:09am / United Kingdom (Essex) / Kids

Today, I got a call from a girl I was seeing. She said that she was falling for someone else, but she still liked me and couldn't decide what to do. Being the romantic (idiot) I am, I told her that she should do what would make her happiest, thinking that she would pick me. She didn't. FML

by HFCS / 04/18/2011 at 12:53am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was cutting a little boy's hair at the hairdressers where I work. While cutting his bangs, I noticed his forehead was surprisingly warm. When I asked him if he felt OK, he threw up all over my gown. I think he had some broccoli today. FML

by stickyhair / 04/18/2011 at 12:46am / United States / Kids

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2011 at 11:12pm / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I started my first day of work at my new job. They had a section in the parking lot for employees only, so I parked there. Apparently, my boss didn't recognize my car, and had it towed. FML

by sdgsfvbkuhkj / 04/17/2011 at 7:18pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

by dumped / 04/17/2011 at 5:12pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Love

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

by zoearcu / 04/17/2011 at 2:32pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

by bumpyroad / 04/17/2011 at 10:29am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

iSwizzle's comment : Maybe your husband lied...?

See all the comments

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

by ::Tracy:: / 04/17/2011 at 5:32am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

by wellhellothere / 04/17/2011 at 3:25am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML

by rastafarimon / 04/17/2011 at 1:56am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

by TDCC / 04/16/2011 at 9:06pm / United States (Texas) / Money