Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

by 613tanner / 05/19/2011 at 1:30am / Transportation

sxe_beast's comment : Were you driving a DeLorean?

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Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

by John / 05/19/2011 at 12:27am / Transportation

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 11:48pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 10:48pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

colourz's comment : did any of you read where he says MY DOG, show some sympathy....

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Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

by Ally / 05/18/2011 at 9:07pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

LolaD18's comment : You should go take a dump in his cardboard box, show him who's boss.

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Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

by Charles / 05/18/2011 at 1:13pm / Norway (Akershus) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

by nicknick2 / 05/18/2011 at 12:08pm / United States (Delaware) / Miscellaneous

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

by levi69 / 05/18/2011 at 12:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

by Red-cheeked / 05/18/2011 at 9:08am / Work

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

by Anon / 05/18/2011 at 7:47am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

by JCC / 05/18/2011 at 6:57am / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

by Jackedup / 05/18/2011 at 3:57am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 3:26am / United States (California) / Health