Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood,...

By Jake - 29/4/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

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Health

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

The student becomes the master

By keimA - 23/6/2019 12:30

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

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By AGluckily - 22/3/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

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By anugla - 18/8/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

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By fml - 22/6/2009 09:03 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

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By uncbballwins - 27/4/2011 04:21

Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 10:26 - United States

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

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By ice ice baby - 8/9/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By Virginy - 1/11/2014 01:26 - France

Today, I was stuck in the elevator at my building, so I pushed the emergency button which made a ringing noise. After half an hour, I hear someone yelling to the elevator, "Could you stop pushing that button, there are kids sleeping." FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy - 23/7/2018 19:04

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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By Eddie B - 18/10/2019 20:00

Scammed

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2012 04:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By Ilostsomuch - 4/1/2012 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

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By Target - 12/2/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML

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By Coco - 19/4/2016 20:58 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By yankesik - 3/1/2016 22:42 - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

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By MadWorld - 28/8/2016 17:49

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

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By burr415 - 20/4/2012 22:55 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

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By FckMyLife - 24/3/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, while at the mall I opened a bathroom stall thinking nobody was in there. The door just didn't close properly. I hit an elderly woman in the head. FML

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By nottelling7012 - 29/8/2010 04:21 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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By caughtontape - 22/3/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my school handed out the new yearbook. I was so excited to be on the cover page in a group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. These books go out to the whole school. Everyone noticed. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - 6/3/2014 05:52 - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By heatherfeather22 - 31/7/2014 03:28 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

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By lgt5628 - 26/9/2014 23:58 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By Monday - 2/12/2011 14:40 - Australia

Today, I was terribly nervous for my patient interview exam as a 4th year medical student. In my nervousness I learned that just because a patient is wearing a T-shirt and shorts, has a short hair cut and a moustache and is named 'Chris', it is not safe to assume that they are male. FML

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By H-B - 28/4/2009 08:53 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

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By Cody - 30/12/2009 09:35 - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By Spider-Sham - 28/5/2017 16:00

Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old son's birthday party. I didn't realize until I got there that "helping out" meant "dressing up as Spider-Man". FML

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By singleandthankful - 23/2/2013 23:18 - United Kingdom - Beaconsfield

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

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By Cantunsee - 26/8/2018 06:00

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

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By Fire sucks. - 17/1/2014 03:42 - United States

Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 11:14 - Netherlands

Today, I was jogging, and I saw a little boy walking. Crying and all alone. Thinking that he was probably lost, I asked to him with my sweetest voice: 'Hi there, did you lose somebody?' He screamed terrified and ran away. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, my parents invited all their kids and grandkids to join them on a vacation trip to the mountains; all their kids except me, that is. I'm not invited. But they did invite my ex-husband. And his new girlfriend. FML

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By xxxchelsiexxx - 6/2/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my two friends. My hair was hanging over my upper lip, making it look like I had a big mustache. "Hey, look guys!" I said. "I have a mustache!" "I know," they both said without looking. I'm a girl. FML

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By thatsasquee - 21/5/2011 06:42 - Canada

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML

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By tp2014 - 19/12/2013 13:12 - United States - Jesup

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

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By OfficeFatty - 30/10/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, my skinny co-worker complained that sitting just underneath the AC vent was making her too cold. My boss had us switch places, because "your mass keeps you warm anyway". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2017 20:00

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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By Fackwork - 30/5/2012 09:37 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

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Top comments

By farmgirl | 3

#153810 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

old woman are horny! (and at least you know you got a good crotch)

By Higgyoo | 0

#153812 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

Maybe you just thought she was. Or maybe you just got a hot date for tonight.

Comments

By farmgirl | 3

#153810 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

old woman are horny! (and at least you know you got a good crotch)

osemness | 0

#1919338 - Sunday 2 January 2011 3:16

u kno since u r an old lady

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5043258 - Sunday 14 October 2012 23:30

99 has great spelling.

camillewhite1 | 12

#5342777 - Sunday 27 January 2013 19:43

U must be hot

Credibleskills | 28

#5907304 - Monday 7 April 2014 6:33

you're right

By Higgyoo | 0

#153812 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

Maybe you just thought she was. Or maybe you just got a hot date for tonight.

By Jimboom | 11

#153828 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:18

Grab-a-granny. Best gumming of your life. ;-)

Brittney_E | 0

#1179137 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 2:10

lmao like in yes man

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3407936 - Sunday 9 October 2011 5:29

I was just thinking that :)

By 24788 | 6

#153835 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:20

You just got eye fucked by an elderly women! I bet that's creepy as hell for you.

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#153840 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:20

get her number.

By rukusrazor | 0

#153844 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:22

Well then don't wear those paint-on leotards that bikers wear whilst jogging.

By butteredtoast | 0

#153850 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:23

Not an FML. THIS IS COMPLETELY LAME.

By Dhamy | 0

#153866 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:29

Lmao.
She wants you,bad!

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153876 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:32

so? ugh

By Daysgoby | 0

#153879 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:33

LMFAO