Health: Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood,...

By Jake - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

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Health

Thanks for your help

Ambien conversations are the worst

Do as I say, not as I do

By traumatized house keeper - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was on the bus when a really cute guy came on. The only seat left was the one next to me, so I smiled and waited for him to sit down. He looked at the seat, looked at me, and opted to stand until his stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 02:02 - United States - Wynnewood

Stuck together

Today, my mother is acting pissy because I poured my drink out on our front lawn. Apparently, this was, "ridiculous and embarrassing." Meanwhile, COVID is surging and it looks like I'll be quarantining with her. Kill me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

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By xxx

Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML

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By identitychangeplease - Sweden - Nyn?shamn

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

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By Kimel - France - Vincent

Today, my eldest daughter announced she was getting divorced. She never even told me she was married. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friends house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

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By Silentshdw13 - United States - Arlington

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

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By Boothater - United States

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to show us an example of the type of shoes we would be wearing in the show. She brings in a pair of hideous black combat boots, and I remark how ugly they are. They're her own favorite boots. I had to carpool with her after rehearsal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hialeah

Today, my friend was complaining about about her new boyfriend. Playing around, I told her that he sounded a lot like my ex. He is. FML

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By screwedwoman27 - United States

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

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By Jane M - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

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By Dog_Lover - Canada - Montreal

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a soccer game. A player from the other team hit me in the face. In the next half, she was the goalie and I was determined to score on her. When I finally got my chance to, everyone cheered, until I kicked the ball into the goal post and it bounced back and hit me in the face. FML

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By pussy - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

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By Joel - United States

Today, I found out that my company was throwing a work picnic. When i showed up, I realized that it had been planned months ago and I wasn't supposed to find out. The entire restaurant was there greeting me with faces of utter shock. Nothing says 'you suck' more than being 'that guy' at your job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant. I was the lady in purple. FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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By Emily - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

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By dadsadipshit - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

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By brokenarm - Germany

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

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By fmyhabit - United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Jiddah

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

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By ooops - United States

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

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By no sleep for me

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

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By loserllamalick - United States - Rochester

Today, my boyfriend was rubbing my leg. He started laughing and said, "Babe, is this your leg, or am I petting Daisy?" Daisy is my dog. I need to shave. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

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By blahmylife - United States

Today, my boss is being so cheap, he'd rather type in the dark, not fix our water heater or replace our cordless phone because he will not get his bonus if he goes over the budget. FML

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 05:04

Free carer

Today, my mother-in-law moved in with my husband and I, where she shits the bed and herself. There's a waiting list for the nursing home, so in the meantime I’m cleaning up her shit and she isn’t even my mother. FML

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By Anonymous

Evil will always win

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

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By exnotwelcome19 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

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By 12345678 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

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By rikitsumiatsu

This is the rhythm of the night

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

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By forever alone - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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By slumber party for two - 6/8/2020 08:02

Just BFF things

Today, my best friend came to visit from out of state. We had lunch, painted our nails and fell asleep sipping wine and watching movies. It was a perfect girl’s day. My boyfriend is now irrationally angry, because according to him it’s not fair that I can have a girl sleep over and he can’t. FML

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Top comments

By farmgirl | 3

#153810 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

old woman are horny! (and at least you know you got a good crotch)

By Higgyoo | 0

#153812 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

Maybe you just thought she was. Or maybe you just got a hot date for tonight.

COMMENTS

By farmgirl | 3

#153810 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

old woman are horny! (and at least you know you got a good crotch)

osemness | 0

#1919338 - Sunday 2 January 2011 3:16

u kno since u r an old lady

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5043258 - Sunday 14 October 2012 23:30

99 has great spelling.

camillewhite1 | 12

#5342777 - Sunday 27 January 2013 19:43

U must be hot

Credibleskills | 28

#5907304 - Monday 7 April 2014 6:33

you're right

By Higgyoo | 0

#153812 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

Maybe you just thought she was. Or maybe you just got a hot date for tonight.

By Jimboom | 11

#153828 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:18

Grab-a-granny. Best gumming of your life. ;-)

Brittney_E | 0

#1179137 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 2:10

lmao like in yes man

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3407936 - Sunday 9 October 2011 5:29

I was just thinking that :)

By 24788 | 6

#153835 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:20

You just got eye fucked by an elderly women! I bet that's creepy as hell for you.

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#153840 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:20

get her number.

By rukusrazor | 0

#153844 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:22

Well then don't wear those paint-on leotards that bikers wear whilst jogging.

By butteredtoast | 0

#153850 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:23

Not an FML. THIS IS COMPLETELY LAME.

By Dhamy | 0

#153866 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:29

Lmao.
She wants you,bad!

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153876 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:32

so? ugh

By Daysgoby | 0

#153879 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:33

LMFAO