Health: Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood,...

By Jake - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49010

You deserved it

6193

Favorite

Health

Commando

Messed up

So you had a bad day…

By Anonymous

Phones, how do they work?!

Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown, no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted, they left a number in the voicemail telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1485

You deserved it

258

Favorite

By nothisfault - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18840

You deserved it

29288

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15450

You deserved it

45803

Favorite

By peterpan - Germany

Today, I was making schnitzel at our kitchen so I had to get rid of all the oil. So I decided it would be best to put the hot pan on our porch so the oil would cool down and then I could get rid of it. Unfortunately the ground is sealed with tar, so the tar melted and now the pan is stuck to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9312

You deserved it

30550

Favorite

By mike - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29058

You deserved it

4503

Favorite

By whattalife - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24334

You deserved it

5034

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 05:01

Collateral damage

Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1640

You deserved it

274

Favorite

By Username - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33113

You deserved it

10503

Favorite

By jocksblow - United States

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28305

You deserved it

4282

Favorite

By Noname - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23621

You deserved it

3564

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11396

You deserved it

46136

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26516

You deserved it

2703

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25281

You deserved it

1558

Favorite

By TNDriver - United States - Jackson

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49987

You deserved it

15024

Favorite

By Eric Jurgensen - 10/6/2020 17:03

Used

Today, I found out my now ex-girlfriend had only moved in to spite her mother, not because she loved me. Five months of falling in love, just to find out I was just being used to get back at her mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1479

You deserved it

131

Favorite

By LadyChristina25 - United States

Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34501

You deserved it

81602

Favorite

By Mothering - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35070

You deserved it

12534

Favorite

By Jorgen - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23714

You deserved it

2318

Favorite

By sleepy2010 - United States

Today, I started my spring break. My college is letting the students stay in the dorms for break, so I figured that staying here would mean getting more sleep than going home. Not so much. The fire alarm has been going off every 20 mins since 7:30am because they're "fixing" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25468

You deserved it

3583

Favorite

By wot02 - United States

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30168

You deserved it

3266

Favorite

By wheel 4

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5192

You deserved it

359

Favorite

By hopeless - Canada

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35754

You deserved it

2940

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12466

You deserved it

104439

Favorite

By tattooapprentice

Today, at my first day of my dream job, I dropped a delicate $700 piece of machinery on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2717

You deserved it

408

Favorite

By nikto

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34947

You deserved it

3942

Favorite

By obese_chicken - Australia

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44906

You deserved it

8287

Favorite

By soliveyerlife - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66925

You deserved it

127903

Favorite

By Greenpuppy416 - 4/7/2020 05:02

Bad date #3764

Today, I had a date at a formal restaurant I'm well known at. My date showed up two and a half hours late with a jogging suit on, and then got mad at me for ordering, eating, and paying without him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1437

You deserved it

111

Favorite

By sydsophnova - United States

Today, my boyfriend was on the roof of his house. I climbed the ladder but I am kind of scared of heights so when I got up there I just sat on the edge. The gutter broke and fell down and I fell along with it. My boyfriend said, "I've been trying to tell you to go on a diet". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45015

You deserved it

9436

Favorite

By GOLLUM!

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3604

You deserved it

1941

Favorite

By socal000 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29944

You deserved it

4828

Favorite

By fmal - United States

Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79147

You deserved it

8858

Favorite

By Matt - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34303

You deserved it

8516

Favorite

By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34028

You deserved it

15110

Favorite

By Anonymous - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my little brother learned about mortality when our dog died. Since then, he's gone a little nuts and keeps ranting that he sees no point as to why our other dog should live. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33098

You deserved it

2630

Favorite

By 911 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41131

You deserved it

2305

Favorite

By bald&ugly

Empathy City

Today, after losing all my hair to chemo, I finally felt brave enough to go out without a wig or a headscarf. I expected some weird looks. I didn’t expect a woman in a store to point to me and tell her daughter, “See what feminism does to women? She’ll never have a husband, I bet!” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2246

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany - Dortmund

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53483

You deserved it

10496

Favorite

By Ashley - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. They jokingly asked me if I was only with him for his money. I didn't hear them properly so I just smiled and nodded. They now think I'm a gold digging bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26563

You deserved it

10413

Favorite

By nicklesg - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57279

You deserved it

14348

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By farmgirl | 3

#153810 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

old woman are horny! (and at least you know you got a good crotch)

By Higgyoo | 0

#153812 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

Maybe you just thought she was. Or maybe you just got a hot date for tonight.

COMMENTS

By farmgirl | 3

#153810 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

old woman are horny! (and at least you know you got a good crotch)

osemness | 0

#1919338 - Sunday 2 January 2011 3:16

u kno since u r an old lady

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5043258 - Sunday 14 October 2012 23:30

99 has great spelling.

camillewhite1 | 12

#5342777 - Sunday 27 January 2013 19:43

U must be hot

Credibleskills | 28

#5907304 - Monday 7 April 2014 6:33

you're right

By Higgyoo | 0

#153812 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:15

Maybe you just thought she was. Or maybe you just got a hot date for tonight.

By Jimboom | 11

#153828 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:18

Grab-a-granny. Best gumming of your life. ;-)

Brittney_E | 0

#1179137 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 2:10

lmao like in yes man

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3407936 - Sunday 9 October 2011 5:29

I was just thinking that :)

By 24788 | 6

#153835 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:20

You just got eye fucked by an elderly women! I bet that's creepy as hell for you.

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#153840 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:20

get her number.

By rukusrazor | 0

#153844 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:22

Well then don't wear those paint-on leotards that bikers wear whilst jogging.

By butteredtoast | 0

#153850 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:23

Not an FML. THIS IS COMPLETELY LAME.

By Dhamy | 0

#153866 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:29

Lmao.
She wants you,bad!

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153876 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:32

so? ugh

By Daysgoby | 0

#153879 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:33

LMFAO