Today, I was on the subway and saw this cute guy eyeing me. I...

By fmylifebad - 29/4/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I was on the subway and saw this cute guy eyeing me. I crossed my legs, tossed back my hair, and raised my eyebrows slightly. As he came up to me, my heart started racing until he finally started flirting... with the girl next to me. FML

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Love

Mr Sensitivity

NRA fanboy

How's your hovel?

By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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By Elrond Hubbard - 24/1/2015 19:25 - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 20:24 - France - Paris

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." 5ML

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By Read The Fine Print - 24/11/2012 05:55 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, we've hit day 4 with no hot water in my apartment. Today is also day 4 of the office insisting that the plumber is "on his way". My neighbor just got arrested for screaming at them. Looks like we'll be entering day 5 soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

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By invisible - 18/3/2016 10:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I realized how invisible I am when our professor was showing us that he knows the names of all the students in our class. When he reached me, he just smiled at me and skipped to the person next to me. I took 3 courses with this guy yet I'm the only one he didn't know the name of. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

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By momoffour - 5/12/2010 09:30 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 1/10/2015 05:56 - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - 18/8/2017 06:00 - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By BearMan - 9/2/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 06:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

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By sad-boing - 2/10/2015 21:01 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

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By nana. - 15/2/2009 15:29 - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

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By - 25/1/2017 16:00

Today, after months of delays, my home renovation is nearing completion. Well, it was nearing completion. Last night, a pipe burst, flooding the entire house. The water damage will cost more to repair than the entire renovation. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 11:51 - United States - Desoto

Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML

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By R - 5/9/2016 10:27 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my teacher called a friend and me out of class and told us we had been reported for plagiarism because our answers to a problem were nearly identical, and he said that I shouldn't have shared my work. This for an assignment where significant marks were awarded for collaborating with peers. FML

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By malcolmXXX - 14/10/2015 02:01 - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 04:30 - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

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By kekumbas - 5/5/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

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By authorx - 27/6/2013 04:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 02:51 - United States - Mission

Today, I was talking to one of my supervisors at my new job. He asked if I knew a professor at the school I recently graduated from, and I decided to babble on about how shitty of a professor he was and how much I loathed his class. He then looked at me and said, "That's my dad." FML

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By lily - 25/6/2020 05:04

Overbearing much?!

Today, while on a road trip, we stopped and went to the bathroom. I didn’t need to go, but my parents told me to "try anyway." I’m 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 09:12 - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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By boobmilk - 8/3/2018 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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By Les Miserables is so sad - 2/1/2013 23:38 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I took my girlfriend to go see Les Misérables. I tried to stay tough but completely lost it and started sobbing when Anne Hathaway began singing. My girlfriend called me a wimp and stayed dry-eyed throughout the whole movie. I'm dating a robot. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 18:05 - United States - Haslet

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

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By Mighty Mouse - 21/5/2017 14:00

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

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By jmitch1209 - 28/1/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 3/7/2019 14:01

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

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By hannah - 15/9/2012 22:16 - New Zealand - Timaru

Today, I woke up feeling ecstatic, because last night, my crush had told my best friend he likes me a lot. I sent him a text message telling him the feeling is mutual. A little while after sending it, it hit me that his confession had only been part of a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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By didn't notice for 2 years - 10/6/2015 23:14 - United States - Goodyear

Today, my sister told me that the only reason I like one guy is because he looks exactly like the guy that dumped me. I showed her two pictures to argue against it, and ended up proving her right. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2015 22:46 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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By snowbell18 - 25/9/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, I had to pay my manager $10 just to take my stalker's order so I didn't have to. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 11:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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Top comments

By rukusrazor | 0

#154349 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:17

YDI for not realizing your surroundings. You aren't the only person on the train.

Too bad though. Did she happen to turn him down? If so you could always go for the silver medal.

By Ridley_fml | 0

#154405 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:37

why are you looking for a boyfriend on the subway? ydi

COMMENTS

By Victoria2103 | 0

#154280 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:01

Haha. Own'd. YDI.

allthatandmore | 0

#4329592 - Friday 20 April 2012 4:49

She does for trying to put herself out there for some random guy!

By mich23 | 10

#154298 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:07

Not an fml, anyone could do that. its common mistake

By donttellemma | 0

#154304 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:08

Haha!!

By ammali | 0

#154325 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:11

Aww, that sucks :(

By rukusrazor | 0

#154349 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:17

YDI for not realizing your surroundings. You aren't the only person on the train.

Too bad though. Did she happen to turn him down? If so you could always go for the silver medal.