Miscellaneous: Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools.... - FML

By kate - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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TMI

Incognito browsing

Trip Advisor says no

By Anonymous - France - M?rignac

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

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By embarassedmuch - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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By Colleen Nichols - United States - Piscataway

Today, I ran into a former co-worker who I hadn't seen in years. She was raving at how I hadn't aged a bit, but before I could thank her she said, "But, you know, chubby people age better." FML

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By Wraith - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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By TheBuster

Today, I surprised my wife with a spa day during our mini vacation with the kids. I booked her a facial and mani/pedi at the resort, figuring I would take the kids while she relaxed. Her reaction? "I hate the spa. Why would you waste that money? I'm not going." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

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By rob

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deatsville

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 20:01

Murdered

Today, I woke up and checked my fish tank. I thought the temperature was too low, so half asleep, I turned it up. Now all my fish are dead. FML

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By Devin - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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By Blanerd - United States

Today, I was in a work meeting because our clientele is unhappy with our service. I was in there because I don't correct our customers when they get my name wrong. My name is Blane, but "Blair", "Blake", "Lane", and "Glenn" got rave reviews. No one picked up on this. I hate my job. FML

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By Selina - United States - Trenton

Today, my dad invited our very cute neighbor inside to introduce him to me. I was wearing pajamas and hadn't showered in two days due to being extremely sick. FML

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By pinkfloyd777

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By saywhatnow - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By mad dude

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

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By Van - United States

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

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By Canceled Wedding

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 11:01 - Luxembourg - Mamer

Not that sort, I swear

Today, I threw out a bunch of Coca-Cola bottles that had been in my room for who knows how long. My mother noticed them in the recycling and promptly told our neighbours that I have a "coke habit." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 20:01

Ring of fire

Today, after a particularly nasty shit, I decided to do one extra pass with a diaper wipe. What I didn't realize was that my wife had refilled the normal container with a pack of Clorox wipes by mistake. My asshole has never burned so fiercely in my 30+ years of life as it did in those following moments. FML

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By N - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's; his father was with him the whole entire time. He is 27. FML

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By gottalovefriends - United States - Atkinson

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 05:00

Captain Dumbass

Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

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By samadams42 - United States

Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "Just in case it isn't safe." FML

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By poops - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend and her best friend compare the dumps they take to common transportation. They comment about it on each others facebook page. My girlfriend's last one was apparently a 'coach bus'. FML

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By brother love - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By fml9124 - 7/11/2020 17:02

Legalize it!

Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By stepmom - Australia

Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

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By RIP - United States - Dearborn

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

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By halloweed - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

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By annonymus - United States

Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college. When I got to her house, her boyfriend looks at her and says, "She's not THAT ugly." FML

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By Glassjaw - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML

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By skippydoda

Today, I went to the bank to open an account. It took hours for them to tell me that I needed my driver's license, passport, and residency paper. I returned with the documents. They then said that they couldn't help me. FML

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By damncat - United States

Today, while driving, I witnessed the neighbors dog viciously shaking a black cat. So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, frantically chasing around the huge dog screaming "Help, someone please help!" I finally managed to tackle him and release the cat. It was a stuffed animal. FML

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By :/ - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By Done - 24/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Go vegan

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan and threw all of MY meats, cheeses, chocolates and even beans for some reason in the trash, because he "doesn't need that kind of toxic waste" in his life. FML

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By Annonymous

Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

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By Stank

Today, my husband is going on his 5th consecutive day without a shower. He’s been working 16-hour shifts, and though I'm empathetic to his exhaustion, his foul body odor has overtaken the bedroom and his excretions have discolored his side of the bed. I fear the worst. FML

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Top comments

By Elamdri | 0

#153605 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 14:08

Dude, that guy was probably trying to be nice and help you play it off. What would you rather have? Falling like that and just have everyone stare at you from the corner of their eyes or have someone get everyone to laugh so you can laugh at yourself and then go back to things as normal.

When people don't laugh at something funny, it leads to even MORE akward scenarios.

Dude did you a favor.

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

COMMENTS

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

Reply

Crush89 | 0

#829347 - Saturday 6 February 2010 5:21

I say 10 too

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#916148 - Friday 5 March 2010 6:11

I hate it when FMLs complain about people making a joke when these things happen (i.e. the waiter) I find them hilarious

Reply

lovesick4628 | 0

#988077 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:04

aha!!!

Reply

mlia172 | 0

#2043971 - Friday 4 February 2011 12:51

couldn't agree more! have a giggle girl, get over it.

By AndreaKina | 0

#153308 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:02

hahaha if this is real its funny. I give that one a 10? was he rating ur accident?

By 24788 | 6

#153312 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:04

#2 I would believe so.

This is a classic one! She has a nice sense of humor. :P

By isantorin | 0

#153325 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:14

at least you can complain and maybe get him fired, if that makes you feel better.

By A1desertstorm | 0

#153341 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:31

Wow, that happened to my mom, they ended up giving her gift certificates so she wouldn't sue.

By loveandzombies | 0

#153347 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:35

It's rude to grab things out of other people's purses/bags. I hope you learned your lesson. Ask next time, and maybe you won't make a total ass out of yourself.

Reply

Crabtree1015 | 12

#5063138 - Saturday 20 October 2012 20:03

Your an idiot!

Reply

mashfan6507 | 17

#6060039 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:34

It's not some random stranger's purse, it's his/her moms purse

Reply

ZombieSlaya115 | 17

#6647381 - Monday 11 July 2016 6:29

in this case you are because you can't even type you're correctl

By CheezerX | 0

#153363 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:47

wish i would of seen that

By Jimboom | 11

#153375 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:56

Lol. Epic. I would have paid good money to see that. Ask that waiter if he managed to get it on video. :-P

By catatonicsleep | 17

#153377 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:02

How do you know her Mum didn't tell her to get it out of the bag?

At least you didn't break anything, even if it was very embarassing for you

By deplorableworld | 0

#153394 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:23

In the words of Nelson Muntz, "HA HA!"

But FYL too. :)

Reply

mcgugs | 0

#825541 - Thursday 4 February 2010 23:42

lol!!! 2 Internet for the simpsons refernce :p