Miscellaneous: Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools.... - FML

By kate - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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Taking stock

Empathy lives

Weirdo geek freaks out

By waytootan - United States

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

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By izoliv - France

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

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By Perdedor - United States

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By firstdategonebad - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By Mulee - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By solyana vr1 - United States

Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML

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By omnomnom - Canada

Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

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By Sam - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I had to turn down an invitation to one of my best friend's birthday party because I had been scheduled to work. Little did I know that my job on that day would be setting up the tents, tables, and chairs for that very birthday party. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

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By fml

Today, while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. He actually stopped thrusting to reply. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 13:01 - Canada - Westbridge

Kids hear EVERYTHING

Today, I was listening to an inappropriate song while driving around when I heard my 3 year-old in the back seat say the n-word. If you hear kids screaming, "LEGOS, LEGOS!" out of the windows as I drive by, that's my pathetic attempt at reversing the language they heard. FML

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By blind - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see the "Cirque du Soleil" at the Albert Hall. It was amazing, apparently. Of course I wouldn't know, because I left my glasses at the hotel, and was sitting at the very back row. FML

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By Mr.Incognito-san - 3/4/2021 17:00

Projectile

Today, my sisters were fighting, again. Unfortunately, one of them has the tendency to pick up the closest object and throw it at the other one. Unfortunately, I was the closest object, again. FML

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By ashamed - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

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By darkangel7410 - United States - Lafayette

Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After looking into it, one of the 1-star ratings claimed "mechanical problems". The description of the reason, "He drives a Ford." FML

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By cramps - Australia

Today, I got my period. 10 minutes into a 3 hour exam. Apparently they are serious when they say you may not leave the room under any circumstances. FML

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By OhJoy - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

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By NotSoComfortable - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

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By Former Professor

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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By johnny121 - France

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

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By PangolinScholar - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I came home to a flooded apartment and water still pouring from the ceiling. The woman who lives above me is shocked that I would consider her responsible for the damage and doesn't think she should have to pay for it. FML

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By fruitoftheloom - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

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By anonya - United States - Madera

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

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By LukesSkyWalker - United States

Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML

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By starboy - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

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By Anonymous

Bad news

Today, I was hanging out with my friends and my sister, we were all wasted and I was making jokes. My sister then gets a phone call, I leave the room to get a drink and I hear everyone go a bit silent I come back in and all of the sudden everyone looks at me. My friend says, "Um… I'm so sorry, your mom passed." FML

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By goingup? - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it stuck mid-floor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we'll be OK. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is deathly claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. In this case, all over me. We were stuck for 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Villa Sarmiento

Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML

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By LunaRayne13 - 10/9/2020 08:02

Ghosted

Today, I realized it's been over a month since my last therapy session. My therapist canceled on me and never got back in touch to reschedule. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was supposed to give a presentation to the incoming freshman about the dangers of drinking in college. My co-presenter showed up drunk. FML

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By Micawber - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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Top comments

By Elamdri | 0

#153605 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 14:08

Dude, that guy was probably trying to be nice and help you play it off. What would you rather have? Falling like that and just have everyone stare at you from the corner of their eyes or have someone get everyone to laugh so you can laugh at yourself and then go back to things as normal.

When people don't laugh at something funny, it leads to even MORE akward scenarios.

Dude did you a favor.

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

COMMENTS

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

Reply

Crush89 | 0

#829347 - Saturday 6 February 2010 5:21

I say 10 too

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#916148 - Friday 5 March 2010 6:11

I hate it when FMLs complain about people making a joke when these things happen (i.e. the waiter) I find them hilarious

Reply

lovesick4628 | 0

#988077 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:04

aha!!!

Reply

mlia172 | 0

#2043971 - Friday 4 February 2011 12:51

couldn't agree more! have a giggle girl, get over it.

By AndreaKina | 0

#153308 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:02

hahaha if this is real its funny. I give that one a 10? was he rating ur accident?

By 24788 | 6

#153312 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:04

#2 I would believe so.

This is a classic one! She has a nice sense of humor. :P

By isantorin | 0

#153325 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:14

at least you can complain and maybe get him fired, if that makes you feel better.

By A1desertstorm | 0

#153341 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:31

Wow, that happened to my mom, they ended up giving her gift certificates so she wouldn't sue.

By loveandzombies | 0

#153347 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:35

It's rude to grab things out of other people's purses/bags. I hope you learned your lesson. Ask next time, and maybe you won't make a total ass out of yourself.

Reply

Crabtree1015 | 12

#5063138 - Saturday 20 October 2012 20:03

Your an idiot!

Reply

mashfan6507 | 17

#6060039 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:34

It's not some random stranger's purse, it's his/her moms purse

Reply

ZombieSlaya115 | 17

#6647381 - Monday 11 July 2016 6:29

in this case you are because you can't even type you're correctl

By CheezerX | 0

#153363 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:47

wish i would of seen that

By Jimboom | 11

#153375 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:56

Lol. Epic. I would have paid good money to see that. Ask that waiter if he managed to get it on video. :-P

By catatonicsleep | 17

#153377 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:02

How do you know her Mum didn't tell her to get it out of the bag?

At least you didn't break anything, even if it was very embarassing for you

By deplorableworld | 0

#153394 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:23

In the words of Nelson Muntz, "HA HA!"

But FYL too. :)

Reply

mcgugs | 0

#825541 - Thursday 4 February 2010 23:42

lol!!! 2 Internet for the simpsons refernce :p