Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools.... - FML

By kate - 29/4/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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Serious times

Near the knuckle

Gas giant

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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By Baegel - 2/3/2016 01:52 - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2012 10:49 - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

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By hushnow - 7/2/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

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By elow72 - 19/2/2016 21:47 - United States - Nashua

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

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By anon - 16/1/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 03:19 - United States - Scottsbluff

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 01:23 - Canada - Calgary

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

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By PUA - 15/3/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

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By handlin - 14/1/2010 06:45 - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 08:00

Decisions, decisions

Today, I shoved my tits in my boyfriend's face and he chose to continue playing Minecraft. FML

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By xXfloatingshitlogXx - 3/11/2012 16:04 - Norway - Jessheim

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

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By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By Emily - 3/1/2013 06:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

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By anonymous - 4/5/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I went into work to set up a new store. There was a lot of lifting so I dressed casual. This happened to be the day the owner brought in his conservative family to check out the store. I was wearing a shirt that says "everyone poops" and has a donkey and elephant pooping. FML

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By cat_loser - 9/12/2016 01:29

Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML

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By EwwEwwEww - 19/2/2017 03:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

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By Paul - 8/8/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 02:02

Who you gonna call?

Today, I couldn't enter my workplace because I haven't gotten the new keycard yet. I ended up having to wait outside for close to an hour. FML

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By rowie1311 - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

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By AloneForChristmas - 25/12/2018 16:00

Today... I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7hrs away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room... FML

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By allgassedout - 4/1/2015 00:23 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 17:00

Strawberry surprise

Today, my husband got home and shouted he had a surprise for me. I shouted back that I hoped it was his tasty knob with strawberry lube. Nope, he'd picked up my grandparents for a visit now social isolation is being relaxed. They might be in their 80’s but they’re not deaf, unfortunately. FML

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By Glassless - 26/5/2017 20:00

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 07:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

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By WTF - 14/7/2013 20:08 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By - 17/11/2008 08:53 - France

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

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By Krit - 10/2/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By batsu - 27/1/2012 06:48 - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

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By longday - 25/7/2010 06:13 - Canada

Today, I managed to multitask too much at work. I turned around, adjusted my glasses, swept hair out of my face, and blinked. In the process I walked into my manager, causing me to simultaneously punch myself in the mouth. FML

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By wtf bro - 20/3/2020 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

King Dick

Today, after returning from some caveman type "men’s retreat" with his buddies, my husband is now refusing to cook or help out with the house and kids as it’s "women’s work." He also expects to be fetched beer on demand and referred to as "King" from now on. I don’t know rather to laugh or cry. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 18:00

So shite

Today, my date left the restaurant because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the mentally disabled or mixed race couples, etc. Basically, a real scumbag. He also left me the bill, and it turned out he had all the most expensive menu items, including a £120 bottle of wine. It cost over £300 total. FML

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By woxliuke - 5/5/2016 18:44 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

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By all by myself - 14/4/2014 23:34 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I decided to go to a therapy group to help with my anxiety and to meet people who felt similar. I joked with my friend that no one would turn up as people might feel anxious about going. I was right. I was the only one there. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 02:00 - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By ronnieG - 16/7/2013 16:06 - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

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By FUCKING POWER - 2/11/2013 21:41 - United States - Wixom

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

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By pickit - 25/2/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I brought to her attention a rather large zit on the corner of her mouth. She called me an insensitive prick. I only pointed it out because I didn't want other people to see it and make fun of her. FML

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Top comments

By Elamdri | 0

#153605 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 14:08

Dude, that guy was probably trying to be nice and help you play it off. What would you rather have? Falling like that and just have everyone stare at you from the corner of their eyes or have someone get everyone to laugh so you can laugh at yourself and then go back to things as normal.

When people don't laugh at something funny, it leads to even MORE akward scenarios.

Dude did you a favor.

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

COMMENTS

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

Reply

Crush89 | 0

#829347 - Saturday 6 February 2010 5:21

I say 10 too

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#916148 - Friday 5 March 2010 6:11

I hate it when FMLs complain about people making a joke when these things happen (i.e. the waiter) I find them hilarious

Reply

lovesick4628 | 0

#988077 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:04

aha!!!

Reply

mlia172 | 0

#2043971 - Friday 4 February 2011 12:51

couldn't agree more! have a giggle girl, get over it.

By AndreaKina | 0

#153308 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:02

hahaha if this is real its funny. I give that one a 10? was he rating ur accident?

By 24788 | 6

#153312 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:04

#2 I would believe so.

This is a classic one! She has a nice sense of humor. :P

By isantorin | 0

#153325 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:14

at least you can complain and maybe get him fired, if that makes you feel better.

By A1desertstorm | 0

#153341 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:31

Wow, that happened to my mom, they ended up giving her gift certificates so she wouldn't sue.

By loveandzombies | 0

#153347 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:35

It's rude to grab things out of other people's purses/bags. I hope you learned your lesson. Ask next time, and maybe you won't make a total ass out of yourself.

Reply

Crabtree1015 | 12

#5063138 - Saturday 20 October 2012 20:03

Your an idiot!

Reply

mashfan6507 | 17

#6060039 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:34

It's not some random stranger's purse, it's his/her moms purse

Reply

ZombieSlaya115 | 17

#6647381 - Monday 11 July 2016 6:29

in this case you are because you can't even type you're correctl

By CheezerX | 0

#153363 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:47

wish i would of seen that

By Jimboom | 11

#153375 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:56

Lol. Epic. I would have paid good money to see that. Ask that waiter if he managed to get it on video. :-P

By catatonicsleep | 17

#153377 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:02

How do you know her Mum didn't tell her to get it out of the bag?

At least you didn't break anything, even if it was very embarassing for you

By deplorableworld | 0

#153394 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:23

In the words of Nelson Muntz, "HA HA!"

But FYL too. :)

Reply

mcgugs | 0

#825541 - Thursday 4 February 2010 23:42

lol!!! 2 Internet for the simpsons refernce :p