Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools.... - FML

By kate - 29/4/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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Cold-blooded old times

White line fever

Yappy neighborhood

By just the tip, though - 28/1/2014 17:06 - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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By fatpreggo - 7/8/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I was proudly telling my husband that I only gained 8lbs through the pregnancy thus far. I usually obsess over my weight so it was a great accomplishment for me. He then turned and pinched my arms. "well it looks like all the fat migrated to your arms." FML

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By chelsay05 - 4/11/2016 00:53 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I had to go to work on my day off to suspend someone. Afterwards, I got a call saying I can't suspend the person in question because the supervisor who told me to suspend them was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 12:00

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

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By Taylor - 20/1/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

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By bdw89 - 29/12/2016 18:42 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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By nackpattywhackgiveadogabone - 23/9/2010 11:01 - United States

Today, after I got off work, as I walked into the house, I noticed something running across the floor towards me and out of complete terror I kicked it halfway across my living room, not knowing what it was. Turns out it was my roommate's new puppy. FML

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By a816090 - 26/9/2019 16:00

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By A troubled ex med school student - 6/2/2013 03:08 - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

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By JohnFarrell - 24/4/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By CPD - 15/10/2011 04:12 - Canada

Today, I made a half-hour bike ride to the movie store, only to realize I'd forgotten my money. I made the ride back home, grabbed my money, went back to the store, paid, then made a second ride home. I got home exhausted, and opened the case. They gave me the wrong movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

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By Lexi801 - 19/9/2014 01:56 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

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By Liz - 9/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

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By hendrix1 - 25/8/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

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By zaktor - 8/4/2018 15:00

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I got: an angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get: a donation. FML

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By ari - 17/6/2011 11:06 - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 27/9/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2017 05:00

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a shop known for its hardcore sex toys. We happened to run into one of my university lecturers and her wife discussing butt plugs with a member of staff, and then saw my aunt and uncle at the register. FML

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By spadesmollusques - 6/6/2016 05:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

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By UkuleleTime - 23/6/2015 08:07 - United States - Garner

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

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By superpissed - 7/12/2016 13:07 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even 2 hours after my shift, they rung to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

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By singlemam - 15/3/2016 01:51 - United States - Akron

Today, while at the park, my 3 year-old ran up to a lady, grabbed her chest and loudly asked, "Are these your breasts? Are they private on you too?" FML

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By dangit - 1/3/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 21:29 - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

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By Redsnation - 8/8/2017 05:02

Rage Quit

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

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By whatheffers - 7/7/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 17:07 - United States

Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

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By headache - 23/2/2015 01:41 - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By surprise - 15/1/2015 20:30 - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

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By Big break - 18/5/2020 14:00

As seen on TV

Today, I finally got my big TV debut. After thousand of dollars in acting classes and years of waiting to become a professional actress, I got featured in a commercial. I will be rubbing toilet paper against my face for all of four seconds. Hurray, fame! FML

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By antiqued - 20/12/2012 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure. My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour. Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm. FML

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By Jesse - 20/3/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

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By T.T - 24/8/2010 08:19 - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée broke up with me because of an argument about a printer. FML

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By anonymous - 14/2/2011 13:45 - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2013 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML

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By Soph - 25/3/2013 21:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

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By bugger - 22/2/2015 17:31

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

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By Tori - 15/7/2012 21:52 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Despite all my attempts to explain that he's wrong, he is totally convinced that my genitals have diabetes. This guy is going to be such a great father to our kids. FML

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Top comments

By Elamdri | 0

#153605 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 14:08

Dude, that guy was probably trying to be nice and help you play it off. What would you rather have? Falling like that and just have everyone stare at you from the corner of their eyes or have someone get everyone to laugh so you can laugh at yourself and then go back to things as normal.

When people don't laugh at something funny, it leads to even MORE akward scenarios.

Dude did you a favor.

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

Comments

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#153303 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:01

lol sweet wipe out, but unbelievable

Reply

Crush89 | 0

#829347 - Saturday 6 February 2010 5:21

I say 10 too

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#916148 - Friday 5 March 2010 6:11

I hate it when FMLs complain about people making a joke when these things happen (i.e. the waiter) I find them hilarious

Reply

lovesick4628 | 0

#988077 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:04

aha!!!

Reply

mlia172 | 0

#2043971 - Friday 4 February 2011 12:51

couldn't agree more! have a giggle girl, get over it.

By AndreaKina | 0

#153308 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:02

hahaha if this is real its funny. I give that one a 10? was he rating ur accident?

By 24788 | 6

#153312 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:04

#2 I would believe so.

This is a classic one! She has a nice sense of humor. :P

By isantorin | 0

#153325 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:14

at least you can complain and maybe get him fired, if that makes you feel better.

By A1desertstorm | 0

#153341 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:31

Wow, that happened to my mom, they ended up giving her gift certificates so she wouldn't sue.

By loveandzombies | 0

#153347 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:35

It's rude to grab things out of other people's purses/bags. I hope you learned your lesson. Ask next time, and maybe you won't make a total ass out of yourself.

Reply

Crabtree1015 | 12

#5063138 - Saturday 20 October 2012 20:03

Your an idiot!

Reply

mashfan6507 | 17

#6060039 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:34

It's not some random stranger's purse, it's his/her moms purse

Reply

ZombieSlaya115 | 17

#6647381 - Monday 11 July 2016 6:29

in this case you are because you can't even type you're correctl

By CheezerX | 0

#153363 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:47

wish i would of seen that

By Jimboom | 11

#153375 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 10:56

Lol. Epic. I would have paid good money to see that. Ask that waiter if he managed to get it on video. :-P

By catatonicsleep | 17

#153377 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:02

How do you know her Mum didn't tell her to get it out of the bag?

At least you didn't break anything, even if it was very embarassing for you

By deplorableworld | 0

#153394 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 11:23

In the words of Nelson Muntz, "HA HA!"

But FYL too. :)

Reply

mcgugs | 0

#825541 - Thursday 4 February 2010 23:42

lol!!! 2 Internet for the simpsons refernce :p