Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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Commando

Caught red-handed

Never flip flop and drive

By whydoidothis - United Kingdom

Today, my colleague and I played yet another wonderful game of 'Tapeworm or Toilet Paper?' in the homeless shelter's toilets we were asked to clean. FML

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By loo

Today, I had to go claim benefits for the first time since working and paying taxes from the age of 16. I’m 50. They offered me an emergency payment of £1200, and I said no because I was too embarrassed to accept “charity.” FML

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By MobPerfect - United States - Providence

Today, I made my friends and family laugh by trying to put on costume glasses with a giant super-sized nose attached to them. They laughed hysterically. Not because of the gigantic nose, but because my real nose was radically bigger and the fake one wouldn't fit over it. FML

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By notsohandy - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing card games with some colleagues a won a hand. One mate said jokingly "your mother never loved you!", I replied jokingly "at least your mother loved me"... All of a sudden he punched in the face and said, "don't ever disrespect my mother again". FML

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By Queenbee26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML

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By Sexylarry - France

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML

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By Blue_Heart - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

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By monochrometea - United States

Today, the only thing my downstairs neighbor wanted to talk about with me is how she can hear us go to the bathroom. She also claims that she can tell which one of us is going, based on the noise level. FML

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By Rebecca Palermo - 14/12/2020 11:03

Beggars can be choosers

Today, I saw a girl asking for money on the median of an entrance to a parking lot with her dog. Later, I bought a box of dog treats for her. I drove up and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes and said, "How the hell am I supposed to carry that?" I sat there in stunned disbelief with the box she refused to take. FML

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By Anonynommer - United States - Holyoke

Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML

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By Cashier - United States

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

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By Isoneedtomove - United States

Today, I received an email from a shipping company telling me they had dropped off a package of expensive electronics at the front door. Too bad someone stole it before I made it to the door. FML

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By fuundmental/// - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By meowymomma - United States

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous

Grossed out

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

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By YouAssholes - United States - Anaheim

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fan base. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they are trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

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By HatedGrandson - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

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By ljajjanaa - 4/4/2021 11:00

For Those About to Rock…

Today, I had to politely request that my floormate not blast heavy metal music at 4 a.m. His response? "It’s the weekend," followed by him slamming the door in my face and turning the music up. I work weekends. FML

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By hiitisbrooke - United States - Dearborn

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got fed up with the amount of hair on my feet, so I went to get my foot hair waxed off. When I removed my socks, the waxer laughed the amount of foot hair. I'm a 18 year old female and it appears I have feet that were last seen on Big Foot. FML

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By handlin - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

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By anne - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

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By 1378 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

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By bad karma - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By neighbour hell - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

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By InstantHardOn - United States

Whenever

Today, my girlfriend has a new obsession: grabbing my junk and whispering in my ear the song, "Baby, Imma Be Your Motivation." Problem? I get an instant boner and she only does it in public, because it's "funny as hell." FML

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By Unreasonable - United Kingdom - Bath

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

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By Mary Kathryn - United States - Fremont

Today, I took off the training wheels of my niece's bike. I tried to show her how to ride it, but she told me to get off because I needed a fat girl's bike. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, while doing some spring cleaning, I found the remains of my goldfish, which I was sure my cat ate last year. FML

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By poorlyparented - United States - San Antonio

Today, my coworker decided to give me "the talk". I'm 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By single - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex crashed a date with my girlfriend. She acted like we were still together and made a big show of dumping me for cheating on her. My actual girlfriend bought it hook line and sinker. Now I'm single again. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

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By

Indebted without work

Today, my husband has to quit his job. 5 months ago, we paid a deposit on a section for our brand new house and the title and mortgage need to be finalized next week. His work is forcing him out because he wanted to do his job safely and to a high standard of workmanship. FML

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By 1DisGR8

Today, while writing a midterm, my period came unexpectedly. Too bad my male professor was the one to notice and not me. FML

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Top comments

By mcbeth | 0

#156861 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:25

psh, you didn't forget, you know you wanted to look pretty for your swim team

By Fields4mint | 0

#156857 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:23

Methinks you are whipped.

COMMENTS

By Fields4mint | 0

#156857 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:23

Methinks you are whipped.

Reply

nickernutz | 0

#969422 - Saturday 27 March 2010 19:21

agreed. you definately deserve that one.

Reply

luvtheknot | 6

#1025482 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 20:52

Methinks you is right

Reply

kykyshay | 0

#2359210 - Saturday 16 April 2011 21:07

nail polish remover, duh!

Reply

#2808036 - Saturday 2 July 2011 20:16

definitely whipped

Reply

wingsfan19 | 2

#2808066 - Saturday 2 July 2011 20:19

definitely whipped

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3039806 - Thursday 4 August 2011 23:00

That's actually really sweet that you did some thong like that for you girls friend

Reply

SneakyMuffin | 0

#3411018 - Monday 10 October 2011 2:21

This is NOT an FML. Pink rocks!!!

Reply

PhillyEagles | 0

#3611202 - Sunday 20 November 2011 19:35

First world problems......

Reply

ILUVMSC | 5

#4811622 - Tuesday 14 August 2012 6:41

Aww that's really sweet!

Reply

Aniki_Sohma | 20

#4943798 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 4:39

Lol my friend drew a fire breathing t-Rex on my back one time before a meet. I feel you OP...

By mcbeth | 0

#156861 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:25

psh, you didn't forget, you know you wanted to look pretty for your swim team

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5674933 - Sunday 15 September 2013 23:14

yeah, he wanted to wow them with his beautiful nails

By Tehalon | 0

#156863 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:26

Haha, you could always wash your feet with terpentine.

By jarofarts | 0

#156869 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:27

nail polish remover. it's easy to use and doesn't cost much. =/

Reply

Little_Devil_fml | 0

#1294849 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 15:16

wouldn't take long to get the nail polish off with remover :P

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5890917 - Thursday 20 March 2014 18:14

What makes you think he has any at his place.

Reply

Journiexo | 18

#6026602 - Sunday 3 August 2014 12:06

#164 It's very inexpensive, and at the nearest dollar store.

By 01100110 | 0

#156873 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:28

Your mom doesn't have nail polish remover or something to get that off?

Reply

southpointchrysl | 0

#1267065 - Thursday 19 August 2010 7:21

I'm pretty sure he said girlfriend

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5890919 - Thursday 20 March 2014 18:15

How do you know he doesn't live on his own?

By yabrett | 0

#156874 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:28

wow, at least if you're going to give in to that make her do it with a color other than "hot pink chanel"
YDI

By itsbrina | 0

#156876 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:28

you see there's this thing called nail polish remover...it works WONDERS

By greenrapsody | 0

#156880 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:29

you can remove it.

and besides, what's the big deal? if they say anything, you can explain.
I hate how so many guys feel the constant need to never be seen as feminine

Reply

Spongii101 | 12

#987920 - Monday 3 May 2010 9:27

I know right? Just tell everyone your girlfriend did it for a laugh. Seriously, not an FML.

Reply

Lennes | 12

#2698033 - Friday 17 June 2011 2:43

I whoheartedly agree #8.

Reply

Bigdawg42 | 8

#7388772 - Sunday 15 January 2017 0:57

yeah lol, and besides if he tells them his girlfriend did it, he'll just be cooler

By mattmag | 0

#156881 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:29

It makes you go faster!!

By Tehalon | 0

#156886 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:30

#8, because that would mean you're less of a man, duhh!