Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish.... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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Tense

Race against the clock

Mr Sensitivity

By Animal - 24/2/2011 19:14 - Canada

One day…

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

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By imcold - 30/12/2013 07:32 - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML

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By StairwayToEvan92 - 9/9/2019 22:00

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

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By edot - 16/1/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

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By MisterSeth - 17/6/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

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By ParkingGuy - 15/8/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant I decided to be nice and offer a woman free parking. I said, "give me a high five and I'll give you free parking since I already did the paper work." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paper work. FML

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By minac11 - 26/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

I am sorry!

Today, I went to give my boyfriend a hug and accidentally knocked his brand new phone out of his hand. The screen was broken. FML

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By buxton1 - 18/2/2013 08:24 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 17:52 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

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By kirstyrd - 12/8/2014 06:07 - United States - Germfask

Today, was the first day my grandma has seen me since I started going to tanning beds. She is now considering taking me out of her will because I look like "a damn Indian". FML

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By courtneynaked - 7/2/2012 13:47 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML

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By JamesK - 15/12/2016 23:23

Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML

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By HappyMan - 3/8/2012 02:14 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

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By midwesternpetclerk - 9/11/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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By Anthony - 14/4/2016 23:15 - France

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

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By Trey Deluna - 3/12/2010 17:12 - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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By redcherries90 - 8/12/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

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By razzmataz - 28/1/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2014 05:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, a tiny worm was wriggling across the screen of my Mac laptop. I tried to wipe it away with my thumb, but it just kept crawling. Turns out the worm lives *inside* my screen, beneath the glass. FML

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By traumatized house keeper - 8/9/2017 13:00 - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By Noname - 30/10/2008 05:55 - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

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By Alice - 24/10/2012 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

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By hmmmm - 13/8/2012 12:19 - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 22:39 - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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By lostmystuff - 7/7/2013 06:35 - United States - Livermore

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

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By unimpressed bride - 22/11/2015 06:10 - United States - Traverse City

Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML

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By smelly asses - 17/9/2020 07:50

Skidmarks

Today, my husband and my daughter engaged in a fart war. Guess who go to do a pile of shitty laundry, while the other texted his friends about the “hilarious” incident? FML

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By Rye - 19/2/2009 03:51 - United States

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

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By chlorinesmells - 30/5/2012 13:51 - United States

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

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By OhFseriously123 - 6/8/2009 10:05 - Italy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML

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By nakedweddingday - 4/7/2013 02:40 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

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By skunked - 18/6/2013 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

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By notahero - 9/1/2015 04:40 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

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By treehouse - 23/8/2017 13:00

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 08:23 - United States - Portland

Today, my mother posted a video of me giving birth, on Facebook. FML

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By footfood - 27/6/2011 14:56 - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

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By Damnlife123 - 21/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

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By mpsteve137 - 30/6/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Apologetic

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By mcbeth | 0

#156861 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:25

psh, you didn't forget, you know you wanted to look pretty for your swim team

By Fields4mint | 0

#156857 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:23

Methinks you are whipped.

COMMENTS

By Fields4mint | 0

#156857 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:23

Methinks you are whipped.

Reply

nickernutz | 0

#969422 - Saturday 27 March 2010 19:21

agreed. you definately deserve that one.

Reply

luvtheknot | 6

#1025482 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 20:52

Methinks you is right

Reply

kykyshay | 0

#2359210 - Saturday 16 April 2011 21:07

nail polish remover, duh!

Reply

wingsfan19 | 2

#2808036 - Saturday 2 July 2011 20:16

definitely whipped

Reply

wingsfan19 | 2

#2808066 - Saturday 2 July 2011 20:19

definitely whipped

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3039806 - Thursday 4 August 2011 23:00

That's actually really sweet that you did some thong like that for you girls friend

Reply

SneakyMuffin | 0

#3411018 - Monday 10 October 2011 2:21

This is NOT an FML. Pink rocks!!!

Reply

PhillyEagles | 0

#3611202 - Sunday 20 November 2011 19:35

First world problems......

Reply

ILUVMSC | 5

#4811622 - Tuesday 14 August 2012 6:41

Aww that's really sweet!

Reply

Aniki_Sohma | 20

#4943798 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 4:39

Lol my friend drew a fire breathing t-Rex on my back one time before a meet. I feel you OP...

By mcbeth | 0

#156861 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:25

psh, you didn't forget, you know you wanted to look pretty for your swim team

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5674933 - Sunday 15 September 2013 23:14

yeah, he wanted to wow them with his beautiful nails

By Tehalon | 0

#156863 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:26

Haha, you could always wash your feet with terpentine.

By jarofarts | 0

#156869 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:27

nail polish remover. it's easy to use and doesn't cost much. =/

Reply

Little_Devil_fml | 0

#1294849 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 15:16

wouldn't take long to get the nail polish off with remover :P

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5890917 - Thursday 20 March 2014 18:14

What makes you think he has any at his place.

Reply

Journiexo | 18

#6026602 - Sunday 3 August 2014 12:06

#164 It's very inexpensive, and at the nearest dollar store.

By 01100110 | 0

#156873 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:28

Your mom doesn't have nail polish remover or something to get that off?

Reply

southpointchrysl | 0

#1267065 - Thursday 19 August 2010 7:21

I'm pretty sure he said girlfriend

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5890919 - Thursday 20 March 2014 18:15

How do you know he doesn't live on his own?

By yabrett | 0

#156874 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:28

wow, at least if you're going to give in to that make her do it with a color other than "hot pink chanel"
YDI

By itsbrina | 0

#156876 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:28

you see there's this thing called nail polish remover...it works WONDERS

By greenrapsody | 0

#156880 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:29

you can remove it.

and besides, what's the big deal? if they say anything, you can explain.
I hate how so many guys feel the constant need to never be seen as feminine

Reply

Spongii101 | 12

#987920 - Monday 3 May 2010 9:27

I know right? Just tell everyone your girlfriend did it for a laugh. Seriously, not an FML.

Reply

Lennes | 12

#2698033 - Friday 17 June 2011 2:43

I whoheartedly agree #8.

Reply

Bigdawg42 | 8

#7388772 - Sunday 15 January 2017 0:57

yeah lol, and besides if he tells them his girlfriend did it, he'll just be cooler

By mattmag | 0

#156881 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:29

It makes you go faster!!

By Tehalon | 0

#156886 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:30

#8, because that would mean you're less of a man, duhh!