Love: Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him... - FML

By ugh - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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Vulture

Jealousy

Sewer monster

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

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By KayBee - 30/1/2021 02:00

Transference

Today, my psychiatrist of 6 years suddenly and out of nowhere told me I need to see someone else. She gave me the equivalent of the "it's not you it's me' speech." Actually her assistant told me via email. I basically got broken up with by someone I was paying a lot of money to talk to. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, feeling like I needed to relax, I ordered room service at my hotel. When I was finished I went to put the tray outside not thinking about needing a key to get back in. I locked myself out of my room wearing happy face underwear in a $250 a night hotel. I had to go to the lobby to get a new key. FML

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By

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepmother proved once again that she likes to play favourites. She has no job, so anything she gifts comes from my dad’s account. On my last birthday, I got £5 on a cheap card. Today, my step-brother's birthday, he got £400 and an iPad. He’s 4 years old. FML

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By Grounded - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

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By BabyBeardy - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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By sexyfail - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

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By to_complicated_4_u - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

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By BubbaYoshi117 - United States - Kirkland

test light

Today, I was refilling my lighter. Afterwards, I gave it a test light. I must have spilled some fluid because my thumb caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 02:02 - United States

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

Today, I found out about bitcoin around 2012 when it cost $20. I had about $40k of money to invest at the time. That would be about 2,000 BTC. If I'd just bought and held onto it until now, it would be worth $60,000,000. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

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By Daria_Weiner - Russian Federation

Today, at my anniversary party and in front of all our friends, I accidentally called my husband-to-be by my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

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By jacobianscum - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML

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By RWW - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Thionville

Today, my grandson visited me, and asked if I had any pictures of myself from when I was a little girl. I happily looked for a few photos to give him, asking what had piqued his curiosity. He replied that he wanted some for a presentation he's doing on the Middle Ages. FML

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By brokeandhungry - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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By Anonymous

Modern romance...

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boyfriend of ten months that I'm not ready for marriage. A few hours later he proposed at my grandma's 85th birthday party. She cried when I said no. FML

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By Tristan Brantley - United States

Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML

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By tammy - United States - Inglewood

Today, while cashiering at the drug store, I saw my ex-boyfriend, who I'm still completely in love with. Being the only cashier, I had to ring him up. He was buying condoms. FML

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By ignored - Canada

Wait here

Today, I showed up on time for a job interview. After waiting for about three hours, I was informed that the manager had "better things to do" than interview me. FML

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By scared shitless - 24/6/2020 08:02

Night terrors

Today, I learned the hard way that my girlfriend’s young daughter sleepwalks. I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, only to be greeted in the dimly lit hallway by her creepy silhouette. I yelped like a bitch and dropped the glass on my foot, breaking two toes. FML

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By - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

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By - France

Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML

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By shecrieseverytimeIremindher - United States - Oregon City

Today, I looked at the revenue from my Etsy shop. After hours and hours of hard work, I was ecstatic to find that I made about $560 so far. That is, until I remembered that it all went to my mom's bank account and I paid all the fees out of my own pocket. And yes, she won't give it back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cochrane

Today, a homeless man tried to sell me a "magic, one-finger glove". It was a used condom. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, while driving home from basketball practice, I noticed an old lady struggling to get up from a fall. I stopped to help her up and make sure she was fine, and in the meantime, a teenager decided to hop into my car and crash it into a telephone pole and run away. FML

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By Liam - 6/5/2021 02:01

Gratitude walks

Today, my girl called me a "brainless, insensitive prick" Why? Because I wanted to surprise her with flowers since she’s been on vacation for 3 weeks and I hadn’t seen her. She was badly sunburned. I’d bought sunflowers. FML

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By GotPunched - Finland

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

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By Why Me - United States - Seattle

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

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By NathanPlays - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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By tkrause - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend came over with a hickey on his neck. He thinks "The vacuum did it" is a believable excuse. FML

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By shanti

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

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By onlyme - United States

Today, my friend and I were walking home when we saw a patch of wet cement. Taking a page out of every single Disney movie ever made, we wrote our names in it. What Disney movies don't show is when the neighbors tattle on you and you have to pay $500 to get the cement redone. FML

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By Whybother - United States - Hilo

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

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Top comments

By blooop_fml | 0

#152282 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:17

YDI. People don't have enough patience these days.

By omglolydi | 0

#152293 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:19

So did he come over?

COMMENTS

By blooop_fml | 0

#152282 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:17

YDI. People don't have enough patience these days.

Reply

020266t | 5

#1783104 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:48

idiot

Reply

TheBookWyrm | 18

#6156957 - Monday 29 December 2014 5:21

Back in my day, people didn't care about the people they loved! They sent a message and forgot about it!

By area51avenger | 0

#152283 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:17

That's what you get for using your cellphone while in the bathroom. YDI

Reply

urface132 | 0

#975368 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 1:06

she wasn't using it , it was in her back pocket

Reply

Bubbelz | 24

#5382620 - Monday 25 February 2013 12:58

She totally deserved it, back pocket... Idiot.

Reply

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6357062 - Tuesday 21 July 2015 20:16

On some level, I do agree with you... OP should've payed more attention to her phone. But then again, I am sitting on the toilet as I'm writing this, so I guess that might make me somewhat of a hypocrite ( '-')

By omglolydi | 0

#152293 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:19

So did he come over?

Reply

myknewverr | 0

#1841416 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 8:07

that's what I wanna know too!

By beatlesislove | 2

#152296 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:20

wow this happened to me to. except i wasnt texting anyone at the time.

Reply

Dusksoul2001 | 13

#5591082 - Sunday 21 July 2013 20:26

Too*

By Tarunyboy | 0

#152298 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:21

#4 lol i could fix it........ never mind

By designedlikedice | 0

#152302 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:21

Grab it and dry it off. If you're lucky, it'll still work and no one will need to know.

Well, aside from the internet.

By livvyylou | 0

#152305 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:22

this has happened to sooo many of my friends!
they all got it out of the toliet and wiped down as good as they could.
most still workedd, but to this day i still make fun of my friend for her piss phone :]

By totoro_fml | 0

#152320 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:25

That happened to me but I was lucky, in that i hadn't gone to the bathroom yet hahaaha

By mother_green7 | 0

#152334 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:27

what an artistic image...

By Dhamy | 0

#152355 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:31

Lmao!
xD
Did he still come over?