All the FMLs

By notakeeper - 03/01/2014 03:50 - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 116

You deserved it 4 666

By FMLPLZ - 03/01/2014 02:52 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 770

You deserved it 9 209

Nice neighborhood

By Frustrated - 03/01/2014 02:24 - United States - Tustin

Today, my neighbor's sons decided it would be funny to throw rocks at my house. I went outside to scold them and saw my other neighbors gathered around, watching. They didn't stop them because they thought I wasn't home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 543

You deserved it 3 689

By neta_1996 - 03/01/2014 02:06 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 248

You deserved it 3 984

By Andrew - 02/01/2014 23:49 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 117

You deserved it 8 586

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 21:50 - Puerto Rico - Arecibo

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. I accidentally reversed while still in the driveway, and I instinctively hit the brakes. In my panic, I accidentally let go of the brakes, and ended up reversing straight into our house, all while my father yelled "NOOOOOO!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 744

You deserved it 18 819

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 20:36 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 289

You deserved it 5 067

By fuck off, dad - 02/01/2014 17:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 242

You deserved it 4 801

By Purplexus - 02/01/2014 14:13 - Turkey - Ankara

Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 367

You deserved it 5 384

Purplexus tells us more.

Purplexus 14

Thursday 2 January 2014 19:01

Yes, this was my FML. Yeah, my dad is an awesome professor. Does anyone have any questions haha

By Babs - 02/01/2014 13:17 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 300

You deserved it 5 393

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 09:50 - United States - Southerly North Slope Bo

Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 102

You deserved it 6 350

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 02:32 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 582

You deserved it 4 293

Dude, WTF?

By Okay_Then - 01/01/2014 23:49 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, a customer started a conversation by telling me how smart he'd heard I am, and finished it by explaining his theory that only smart people commit suicide. He then gave me a knowing look and said, "Just something I thought you should think about," and left without buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 150

You deserved it 3 050

By Crashed - 01/01/2014 18:21 - United States - Evans

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. My wife got pissed when I didn't immediately check on her, but rather the other driver. That other driver was my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 485

You deserved it 5 346

By SabriLittleRed - 01/01/2014 18:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw my sister after three days away. When I went to get in the car with her, she told me I had to sit in the back, because her teddy rides in front now. She was serious. I've already been replaced by a stuffed bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 349

You deserved it 4 242

SabriLittleRed tells us more.

SabriLittleRed 25

Thursday 2 January 2014 6:46

Heyy guys, I'm the OP, & no, I didn't do anything to her first. The bear was a gift from her bf. I thought she was joking at first, & was kinda surprised & hurt she actually made me sit in the back. I enjoyed all your puns; they were ”beary” funny, lol. Happy New Years Everyone!! :D

By Anonymous - 01/01/2014 17:47 - United States - New Milford

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 103

You deserved it 9 522

By Anonymous - 01/01/2014 07:49 - Australia - Southport

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 660

You deserved it 4 108

By Anonymous - 01/01/2014 05:38 - United States - Albany

Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 776

You deserved it 6 454

By claubea11 - 01/01/2014 05:17 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 748

You deserved it 13 792

By dantko - 01/01/2014 05:04 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 123

You deserved it 5 325

By thisisavirus.exe - 31/12/2013 20:57 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 227

You deserved it 5 554

Bonding moment

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 20:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show 'House, M.D.' I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 114

You deserved it 10 165

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 18:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 212

You deserved it 4 213

By awkword - 31/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 047

You deserved it 3 877

By gnafron - 31/12/2013 11:30 - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 960

You deserved it 14 986

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 08:08 - United States - Seattle

Today, I got an e-mail regarding an IT support job I applied to. The e-mail had numerous formatting errors due to bad code, and typos all over the place. It said I wasn't qualified for the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 860

You deserved it 3 303

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 07:52 - United States - Bend

Today, feeling too lazy to cook dinner, I bought a bagged salad from a low-end store. I dumped the contents into a bowl; the first thing that fell out was a dead mouse. Bon appetit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 546

You deserved it 6 857

By AnnoyedSister - 30/12/2013 22:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, my 12-year-old daughter glued her left eyelid shut with fake eyelash glue. After spending 4 hours in the ER, I asked her why she did it. "I wanted to get Blake to notice me," she said. Blake is our neighbor's convict son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 231

You deserved it 4 393

AnnoyedSister tells us more.

AnnoyedSister 7

Tuesday 31 December 2013 19:35

Hi everybody! OC here. I guess I didn't put enough details in my FML as I could: So I'll tell you all the WHOLE story. Blake is 17 years old. Yes he is a convict currently on parol. I cannot remember exactly WHAT he did, but I believe it was either Breaking and Entering or he stole a car. I'm not positively sure. Also: I could not get off the eyelash glue with warm water or make up remover because her eyelashes were going inward towards her eye and frankly, my daughter wouldn't stay still long enough for me to even try. To all the commenters who said "Keep an eye on your daughter." Nice pun. But she is twelve years old so I'm pretty sure even if I tried to pay attention she'd say something along the lines of "Go away mom!" Or "What do you want?!" So yeah. Blake also does NOT flirt with my daughter (thank goodness) and they've only met once, when they moved in. The funny thing is, he can't even get her name right. Her name is Violet, but he insists on calling her Veronica. So, no marriage plans yet! Yay!

By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2013 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 310

You deserved it 5 387