Work: Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to...

By Anonymous - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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Work

Dementia or hate? You decide

This ain't working out

One law for me…

By djoe - Australia

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was late to a sold out movie in the theater, so I had to shuffle in during the previews in the dark. I sat down in what I thought was the last vacant seat, but I'd really just sat in a small woman's lap. She was not happy. FML

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By GetFuzzy

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By husks

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML

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By sadgirl - Netherlands

Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML

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By zazzleface - United States - Bergenfield

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my printer to work because the one in my office is broken. When I tried to leave, my boss stopped me and accused me of stealing it from the office. Nobody would believe me when I explained. Now my boss has a new printer. FML

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By socianx - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML

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By This Guy - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. When I came out, the front end of my car was crushed in. On the window was a note only saying "Sorry I bumped into your car." FML

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By Anonymou$ - United States - Daphne

Today, I spent over $2,000 on a big flatscreen TV. My dad insisted I let him mount it on the wall instead of paying someone to do it. All seemed fine, until the TV came loose and smashed onto the floor. My dad refuses to accept responsibility, and says I should've had a professional install it instead. FML

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By everyonesdivorced - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

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By LiquorChick - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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My anal beads

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By pussyOUT - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By John Nani - United States

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML

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By Vassy - Canada - Montreal

Today, I made a positive remark to the owner of my local groceries store for employing a special needs girl. Not only is the girl not mentally handicapped, she's also the owner's daughter. FML

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By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

First time

Today, I had sex for the first time. I realised that I was more satisfied by last night's dinner. FML

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By brokenarm - Germany

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

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By Christine

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

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By deerslayer559

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

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By Dani - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

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By NotSoClean - United States

Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML

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By ashleyevans - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 00:01 - United States

Fishy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is trying to get her ex-boyfriend to move up here. FML

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By buckley456 - United States - Glenolden

Today, my remote control airplane arrived in the mail. I was super excited, so naturally I took it outside for its first flight. It now resides at the top of the tallest tree in sight. FML

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By TriedToHelp

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

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By riddick0846 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

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By eggs - Canada

Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

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By wet dreams - United States - Cartersville

Today, I came to the realization that I dream more about my vibrator than I do about my boyfriend. FML

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By notAMrs - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

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By brokenheart

Lust at First Sight

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML

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By Great... - United States

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

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By sunkissedberries - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend. The same guy that told me he was still in Florida with his family. FML

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By Crud - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

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Top comments

By kred | 21

#6195743 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:05

It's close to midnight, and something evils lurking in my pants....

By LittleBells | 17

#6195758 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:09

That must be a thriller to your co-workers.

COMMENTS

By kred | 21

#6195743 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:05

It's close to midnight, and something evils lurking in my pants....

HyunnK | 18

#6195859 - Sunday 8 February 2015 1:30

Is it the Joker?

countryb_cth | 38

#6201261 - Friday 13 February 2015 9:37

Oh Oh I know this one its... its... uh.... uh..... Satan !!
Jee I hope I'm write, I need an A on this to pass.

By oathkeeper99 | 31

#6195746 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:07

I wouldn't even be mad, that's hilarious!

FweakofCydonia | 40

#6500034 - Sunday 3 January 2016 2:33

To be fair, they probably liked his package more so than the dance move itself. Lol.

By DolphinLaser23 | 24

#6195752 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:08

Haha I feel bad for you but that is pretty funny.

By LittleBells | 17

#6195758 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:09

That must be a thriller to your co-workers.

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6195894 - Sunday 8 February 2015 2:14

At least he didn't get caught on camera beating it.

sstahpp | 33

#6196892 - Monday 9 February 2015 2:28

Just BEAT IT!

By Johnnycake23 | 42

#6195761 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:10

Annie are you OK?

thespiantess | 18

#6196255 - Sunday 8 February 2015 11:27

Are you OK, Annie?

By dpxantos | 10

#6195763 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:10

Could be worse, are they asking if you like little boys?

By yomomonastick | 9

#6195765 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:11

tell them to "beat it"

By chazzywazzy654 | 22

#6195766 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:11

Not as bad as the picture of the drunk optom biting someone's bum at a work party. That's what's pinned up in the staff area where I work?

wvcheesehead | 13

#6195872 - Sunday 8 February 2015 1:41

Wtf is an optum?

By WitEluded | 13

#6195767 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:12

I guess you know what your office Halloween costume will be this year...

By AutisticAbyss | 10

#6195771 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:14

Nothing wrong with that! Be proud of it!

Coach Class

My anal beads

Persona non grata

First time

Fishy

*Lust at First Sight*

Lust at First Sight