Work: Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to...

By Anonymous - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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Work

Commando

Late term

Expanding universe

By Dildno - United States - Worcester

Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML

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By notacaveman - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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By UniqueKay

Today, on our way home, my cousin, step dad and I noticed a man trying to kidnap a young girl. As good citizens, we called the police so they could catch the man. Nine police cars showed up at my house because dispatch told them we were the kidnappers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

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By tiptoesjohnson

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a letter from the Navy saying that they accepted my application to join the Navy. I never applied. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

The more the merrier

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

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By gatewayev700 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

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By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

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By yepintheladiesroom - United Kingdom - London

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

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By Pisspants - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Bankstown

Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML

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By awskme - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML

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By Abby - United States - Watertown

Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML

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By imok - United States

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

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By loo

Today, I had to go claim benefits for the first time since working and paying taxes from the age of 16. I’m 50. They offered me an emergency payment of £1200, and I said no because I was too embarrassed to accept “charity.” FML

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By mykodu - Canada - Toronto

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

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By angelsaredicks - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

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By chronic masticator - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

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By forever1990 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By Tired - United States - San Francisco

Today, I showed up to work at 6am, only to find out the schedule was changed. I wasn't actually supposed to be there until 9:15. My boss never told me this. I didn't get to go home either, he just said "Oh well. Get to work." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the cause of the recent pain in my chest was that I had a torn muscle. What caused this? I sneezed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

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By IcedTaco - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

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By MyEarsHurt - United States - Stockton

Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my four-year-old son running around outside, and copying everything our dog was doing. I thought it was cute, so I went to grab the camera. When I went back outside, I saw my dog eating a dead rabbit, and my son doing the same. FML

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By protoplasm stole my seat - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, a pregnant woman got on the bus. There were no free seats, so I stood up to give her mine. An obese man pushed past her, waddled over, and oozed into my seat. I said it was for the pregnant lady. He called me a "sexist bitch" and claimed he needed it more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

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By noway - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

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By dumbfounded - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 08:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

Today, I was asked for ID to purchase decorative scissors. I was buying them to make my wedding decorations. FML

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By astocks - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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By avalanche719 - United States

Today, I went to pay my vehicle registration in person to avoid paying the $10.00 online service fee. After a long wait, I came out to find a $15.00 parking ticket on my car. FML

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By ChinaWillOwnUs

Today, I was warned that I was failing too many students and it had to stop, so I showed my boss all of the easy assignments a lot of students didn't even turn in. She told me to stop using so many "big words" in them. I teach at a four year University. FML

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Top comments

By kred | 21

#6195743 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:05

It's close to midnight, and something evils lurking in my pants....

By LittleBells | 17

#6195758 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:09

That must be a thriller to your co-workers.

COMMENTS

By kred | 21

#6195743 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:05

It's close to midnight, and something evils lurking in my pants....

HyunnK | 18

#6195859 - Sunday 8 February 2015 1:30

Is it the Joker?

countryb_cth | 38

#6201261 - Friday 13 February 2015 9:37

Oh Oh I know this one its... its... uh.... uh..... Satan !!
Jee I hope I'm write, I need an A on this to pass.

By oathkeeper99 | 31

#6195746 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:07

I wouldn't even be mad, that's hilarious!

FweakofCydonia | 40

#6500034 - Sunday 3 January 2016 2:33

To be fair, they probably liked his package more so than the dance move itself. Lol.

By DolphinLaser23 | 24

#6195752 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:08

Haha I feel bad for you but that is pretty funny.

By LittleBells | 17

#6195758 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:09

That must be a thriller to your co-workers.

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6195894 - Sunday 8 February 2015 2:14

At least he didn't get caught on camera beating it.

sstahpp | 33

#6196892 - Monday 9 February 2015 2:28

Just BEAT IT!

By Johnnycake23 | 42

#6195761 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:10

Annie are you OK?

thespiantess | 18

#6196255 - Sunday 8 February 2015 11:27

Are you OK, Annie?

By dpxantos | 10

#6195763 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:10

Could be worse, are they asking if you like little boys?

By yomomonastick | 9

#6195765 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:11

tell them to "beat it"

By chazzywazzy654 | 22

#6195766 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:11

Not as bad as the picture of the drunk optom biting someone's bum at a work party. That's what's pinned up in the staff area where I work?

wvcheesehead | 13

#6195872 - Sunday 8 February 2015 1:41

Wtf is an optum?

By WitEluded | 13

#6195767 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:12

I guess you know what your office Halloween costume will be this year...

By AutisticAbyss | 10

#6195771 - Sunday 8 February 2015 0:14

Nothing wrong with that! Be proud of it!