The Top

Well, where to start. First, the car is a 1995 Geo Prizm. For all of you saying, "Hey bro, should of called the dealer.", that's not possible, seeing as how they went out of business around a decade ago. It was after market junk a previous owner installed, ‘cause lord knows every kid on the block wanted a Geo Prizm, and it would have been stolen in a matter of seconds. The remote was pretty well destroyed when I go the car, and finally just fell apart on my key chain about six months ago. So no, I wasn't going to buy a new remote for my bups of a car. I finally found the theft system and just pulled it out. I now have it pierced on a stick in my front yard, to warn the other anti theft systems. Also, for those saying, "Your an idiot", it is you're, not your.

Dating apps suck

By probablydeadbymidnight - 01/07/2012 22:57 - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 412

You deserved it 7 818

By nozVail - 20/11/2015 23:52 - United States

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 411

You deserved it 3 747

Unprofessional

By dr immature - 23/12/2013 23:11 - United States - Washington

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 410

You deserved it 48 792

Merry Christmas!

By yek - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 410

You deserved it 1 682

By Anonymous - 08/08/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I was pitching at a fastpitch softball game. The other team chanted about the ball being too high and almost hitting the batter in the eye. After throwing the next pitch, the ball was savagely returned by the batter, straight into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 408

You deserved it 2 789

By sister of an angry nerd - 23/12/2015 06:09

Today, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. The entire time he talked about how scientifically inaccurate and improbable the entire movie was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 408

You deserved it 3 182

Phoebe??

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 408

You deserved it 1 709

By michelle - 15/11/2015 15:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 406

You deserved it 2 874

By NoThanks - 24/08/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 405

You deserved it 60 030

You what?

By Sally - 26/01/2009 00:06

Today, I'm studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 403

You deserved it 5 423

By Jonas - 06/06/2012 05:00 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 402

You deserved it 4 227

By spaceforrent - 16/11/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my girlfriend had repainted my bedroom. As she had offered to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem. However, she decided to return the several unopened cans of off-white paint that I'd bought for something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 399

You deserved it 3 020

By Noname - 27/01/2009 11:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 398

You deserved it 28 361

By DEATHBYEX1LE - 04/03/2013 05:01 - Australia

Today, I sent my girlfriend a text saying, "Your the best girlfriend any man could have, and I think I may be in love with you." Ten minutes later, she responded with, "*you're". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 396

You deserved it 48 367

DEATHBYEX1LE tells us more.

DEATHBYEX1LE 11

Monday 4 March 2013 21:59

I know the difference, I just made a simple mistake....

By EmbarrassedChild - 30/07/2015 23:24 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my father. As we were leaving, he grabbed a baguette, put it by his crotch, and took a picture with his phone. I'm starting to feel like the parent here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 394

You deserved it 1 929

Demon child

By Some Guy - 12/10/2015 00:54 - United States - Allen

Today, I was babysitting a two year-old. He was messing around with a silver fork and I told him it was dangerous. He then got mad at me, started crying, and stabbed me right in the foot. Be warned, even though they're little, they can still cause a lot of pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 391

You deserved it 2 777

By Anonymous - 05/12/2015 03:55 - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 387

You deserved it 1 712

By Anonymous - 05/11/2010 19:18 - United States

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 385

You deserved it 6 029

Gullible

By marriedtoaretard - 19/02/2012 22:45 - United States

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 385

You deserved it 2 555

By Anonymous - 16/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 380

You deserved it 120 548

By Anonymous - 02/12/2015 10:41 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 380

You deserved it 1 637

Food flight

By ashley_skillz06 - 24/01/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef was throwing food at us, I was getting ready for my turn. He tossed a piece of broccoli at me, I leaned back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 377

You deserved it 7 409

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The Top

Today, I've only just got my license and waved someone through at a four-way stop because I was nervous. They waved back. We both kept waving while traffic built up behind us. Someone finally honked, and we both panicked and went at the same time. I stalled the car in the intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 393

Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 343

You deserved it 3 918

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 262

You deserved it 6 588

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 341

You deserved it 8 738

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon, after I'd explained to her how scared I was of The Exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 709

You deserved it 6 209

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 216