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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 324

You deserved it 6 495

By BrandNewLemon - 15/08/2015 02:09 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I financed my first car. I also made my first call to AAA when it broke down. It barely had any miles on it and I wasn't even home yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 320

You deserved it 1 939

By disgruntled - 09/12/2015 15:01

Today, my boss is writing me up for not signing a report before I left work. He refused to print the report that day, and I don't have access to the printers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 319

You deserved it 1 521

By shibs - 19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 317

You deserved it 1 857

By goincrazy - 16/07/2012 08:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my thoughts that I'm going crazy were confirmed when I got into the shower with my socks on. The worst part is that I didn't realize it for a good five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 317

You deserved it 5 489

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 09:58 - United States - Asheville

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 315

You deserved it 2 222

By ripdivine - 24/02/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 315

You deserved it 56 547

By Anonymous - 25/07/2015 04:20 - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 315

You deserved it 3 313

Steamy

By Hotdamn - 21/03/2016 04:32 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 313

You deserved it 3 190

By tortureromoretorture - 27/08/2015 00:28 - United States - West Islip

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 309

You deserved it 1 695

By leprechaun23 - 23/04/2012 04:21 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 309

You deserved it 4 322

By MedHistory - 15/09/2015 20:40 - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my three hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 306

You deserved it 4 656

Reminder

By Cromwel620 - 23/02/2010 11:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 306

You deserved it 3 263

Slippery when wet

By Ulysse - This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a new electric razor. I tried it, and washed it. I started to shake it in order to get rid of the water. It was pretty slippery, and it exploded onto the floor of my bathroom. The warranty doesn't cover this, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 304

You deserved it 8 809

By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2008 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 303

You deserved it 2 464

Great story man, but…

By hapless - 16/01/2009 07:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I was late for work and took a taxi. The driver told me he tried to commit suicide recently. I listened to him for 20 minutes, sat outside my workplace with the meter off. He charged me £5.80 and my boss gave me a warning for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 301

You deserved it 3 438

La la land

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 300

You deserved it 72 539

Evasive

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 297

You deserved it 2 241

By heterolifepartner - 18/01/2010 06:03 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years role-plays on the internet, pretending to have sex with men. His response when I confronted him about it? "Which specific incidents are you referring to?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 297

You deserved it 2 906

Creepy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 295

You deserved it 2 535

Don't mind me

By straightlyconfused - 27/05/2012 13:20 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 295

You deserved it 2 648

By AnonymousUser - 05/05/2012 00:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 293

You deserved it 2 741

Fuel to the fire

By Why? - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up by saying, "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 293

You deserved it 2 092

By IHateSchool-.- - 11/12/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 293

You deserved it 30 229

By Hi_Five - 03/12/2015 20:48 - United States - Wake Forest

Today, I spoke to a highly recommended therapist for my special-needs child. After 45 minutes of describing our challenges, heartbreaks and other very personal information, she told me that her schedule was permanently full. But she invited me to go through the phone book to find someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 292

You deserved it 1 784

Hi_Five tells us more.

Hi_Five 7

Monday 7 December 2015 5:12

OP here - uh, no. You are making things up out of whole cloth. I would never self-diagnose my kid. We have been through years of trying to get the best help we can find, and that does not include charlatans, vaccine-deniers and the internet. Try again.

By Stress - 24/02/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was feeling really stressed so I bought some nice stress relieving lotion. When I got home, I took it out of the bag and accidentally dropped it (not realizing it was made of glass). The bottle shattered into pieces and I even cut my finger on one piece. So much for relieving stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 292

You deserved it 4 540

Whisky ********

By noO - 07/02/2016 17:43 - United States - Greenwood

Spicy

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 291

You deserved it 3 905

Flummoxed

By it's awkward - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 291

You deserved it 3 847

Customers from hell

By midnightblade163 - 13/01/2016 12:06 - Australia - Caringbah

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 289

You deserved it 1 858

By Anonymous - 30/09/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 289

You deserved it 2 130

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Today, I found one of those realistic, expensive sex dolls in my boyfriend's cupboard. I asked why on earth he had that and apparently it’s for all those filthy, violent sexual things he likes to do, but knows most women would never even agree to try. Um, WHAT? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 301

You deserved it 559

Today, a guy I had been casually seeing asked me to dinner. Thinking he could be wanting to make things serious, I got all dressed up. Turns out he got a girlfriend and just wanted to tell me in person to avoid things being awkward. We then waited in silence for our meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 381

You deserved it 5 059

Today, after my girlfriend had said she was cooking surprise dinner for me this week, the crazy thing is I came home early from work and the surprise dinner was she was eating some dude's cock and balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 119

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 550

You deserved it 5 432

Today, as I started my car, I heard the most horrific sounds coming from the engine. When I lifted the hood I realized I'd found my son's cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 582

You deserved it 4 592

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 258

You deserved it 2 401