Work: Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker...

By Jonas - 06/06/2012 05:00 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 308

You deserved it 4 201

Work

The smell detective is on the case

Broken heart

Put your back into it

By Anonymous - 16/04/2013 23:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 438

You deserved it 8 044

Fucking Stevie T

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 08:01

Today, I was happy to take a break and do a guitar performance, but my teacher was the rudest ever. He had his guitar at the front row, playing while I was, and he played the song live with me just to confuse me, and ending up ruining the performance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 91

By Meetingman - 20/12/2016 08:36

Today, our company did a photo-session for the website. The photographer was limping, and I immediately asked what's wrong with him. Then I noticed he was on a prosthetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 391

You deserved it 2 475

By Overflow - 16/08/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 229

You deserved it 63 007

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 236

You deserved it 16 279

By whyme27 - 06/06/2012 01:19 - United States - South Bend

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 471

You deserved it 4 328

By Sam - 28/11/2008 08:50 - France

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 402

You deserved it 11 212

By Anonymous - 23/11/2017 01:30

Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 404

You deserved it 742

By iHateWorms - 23/12/2009 03:52 - Australia

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 498

You deserved it 33 605

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 16:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text saying "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 190

You deserved it 4 314

By imamess - 15/09/2014 21:37 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 890

You deserved it 9 314

By Angry - 04/08/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 828

You deserved it 7 158

By Yuck - 11/10/2018 05:00

Today, I worked a 12-hour shift. Today my parents' cat also had diarrhoea. Rather than clean it up when said cat projectile shat all through my bed, they simply closed my door and left it for me. Since it's in my room, apparently it's my problem. They can't understand why I'm pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 243

You deserved it 305

By Professional - 29/05/2017 14:00

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 201

You deserved it 3 953

A tad unfair

By Anonymous - 02/04/2021 14:01

Today, my parents have made it very clear to me that if I fail one more assignment, they’re disowning me. I got a zero on a paper that I poured my heart and soul into, and in the notes, the teacher wrote, “I don’t even need to read this paper to know that it is bad.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 117

By oink oink fuck off - 29/07/2012 18:49 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 867

You deserved it 3 697

By bluesox4 - 06/02/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 192

You deserved it 4 110

By Mic - 07/01/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 463

You deserved it 4 620

By Guy - 28/09/2015 18:49 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 583

You deserved it 2 050

By Anonymous - 17/08/2009 22:11 - Canada

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 741

You deserved it 22 625

By 11lyss1 - 23/05/2011 04:26

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 828

You deserved it 3 540

By Anonymous - 20/07/2019 22:06

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 16:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 806

You deserved it 6 294

By HotToTrotskyite - 08/09/2009 17:30 - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 276

You deserved it 84 747

By JK - 01/02/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 889

You deserved it 4 710

Forever the bridesmaid

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 14:02

Today, after watching my roommate and her boyfriend be all lovey dovey for months, I now have to watch two of our other friends flirting as well. I'm painfully single and have been struggling to change that for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 188

By EggHead - 31/12/2014 04:38 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 927

You deserved it 2 581

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00 - United States - Shingle Springs

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 103

Sketchy-looking dude

By NinjaTurtle93 - 17/02/2021 21:30

Today, I overheard a lady tell her child in a store that, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll tell that guy over there to take you away.” She was referring to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 67

By ALetterADay - 24/12/2017 01:30

Today, I wrote a long, loving and emotional Christmas letter to my girlfriend, leaving it for her to read when she woke up. Halfway through the day, I received a text stating that she saw my "breakup letter" and threw out all my stuff. I can't even contact her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 024

You deserved it 457

It never rains…

By Anonymous - 25/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was at work when I got a call to say my grandad died. When I was walking out to my car, I realised someone had stolen all my hubcaps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 83

By Anonynonynon - 13/02/2015 19:05 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I'm working for a company that makes over a million dollars a year, yet leaves me with no choice but to pee in a cup because they won't pay to fix the only toilet in the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 726

You deserved it 2 432

By Acolyte of the Bacon God - 15/02/2013 19:50 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 017

You deserved it 10 359

By #201 - 05/02/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 415

You deserved it 16 507

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 08:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me he took pictures of me while I was sleeping. Instead of it being all cute like you see on social media, there's me sleeping with his dirty-ass sock on my face and him smiling in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 014

You deserved it 2 229

By maryfaithh - 27/01/2012 16:30 - United States

Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 495

You deserved it 25 928

By Bitch - 26/05/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 10 576

By looking - 25/09/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 326

You deserved it 17 598

By CheeseyPotatoes - 11/04/2011 13:16 - United States

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 669

You deserved it 73 398

Drunk dick

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 20:00

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 163

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Top comments

KK3137 31

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:54

Well that's not knife..

br0ccoli 14

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:56

If your gut told you he's dangerous, your paranoia might actually be true. I feel like people's gut feeling is THE 6th sense an not listening will screw you over, especially of he minces onions angrily.

KK3137 31

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:54

Well that's not knife..

hecallsmedarlin 7

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:01

Is this supposed to be a "funny" way of saying "that's not nice"?.... It didn't work.

eb0ny 15

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:01

At least you tried... kind of.

GirlYouNasty 11

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:05

That's not a knife...THIS is a knife!

ALlamaOnFire 20

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:06

These puns are so old. People need to think outside the box. OP, I think you should see a doctor, your life will be hell if you stay that paranoid, good luck:)

officeradvil 8

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:10

I see you've played knifey spoony before.

robc32ca 4

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:14

It seems not many people got the Crocodile Dundee reference. I liked it!!!

nancyschmancy 9

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 13:59

Can't see what's not there. Nice try giving him an out for his really lame pun though! I gave you a thumbs up for that!

KK3137 31

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 16:04

*her pun... and thank you, I had to give it a shot.. :D not an amazing (or good) pun, but I didn't see why not. Sorry to annoy y'all.

Cappiej 18

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 18:13

17- The doctor he needs... DocBastard, yay!

Jonkbaby 21

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 22:04

that's snot cool

Zazoo1995 23

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Tuesday 2 July 2013 16:15

That's the kind of paranoia that would keep you alive in life-death situations.

bjoernabee 1

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:55

Well... Shit

eb0ny 15

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:19

What an insightful comment. I feel an epiphany coming on.

wallandpiece 16

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:40

This sounds like a great film plot. Unless it's already been done.

ManInTheMachine 19

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:46

I believe this was the underlying theme to all of the Twilight movies.

BunchieRules 31

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:51

30 - You beat me to it! Either that, or Gigli.

happyevil 10

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 8:48

Well everyone does it absentmindedly. It's like how I'm sitting in class thinking how I'm going to save everyone if a gunman ran through the door...

MDM15 5

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:55

New job maybe?

wellnevermind 4

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:03

Why does my brain automatically links this to "call me maybe?" song?! *tries to shoot myself*

MDM15 5

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:13

Lol I when I re-read it I thought the same thing

iloveandy143 7

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 12:24

Haha I've had that song stuck in my head lately

ladyLALAA 28

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 13:09

I like the end of the videoclip the guy is gay and gives his number to the guitarist...

nado13579 12

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 15:26

The Youtube comments ruined the ending of the video for me. :(

wellnevermind 4

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 15:39

Phew that's a relief. Thought I was the only one... I still think that song is gonna end up killing all neurons in every human being. Finally, taking over the world like "Its Friday" & "Baby" song did. *keeps trying to kill myself*

nofearjenshere 12

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 18:57

53 - That's why I always wait until the video is over before i read the comments. Damn spoilers.

laden_swallow09 34

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Thursday 7 June 2012 5:27

3 - I don't think OP's current job is the problem, here…

rexcanis 10

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Friday 8 June 2012 3:43

A new job won't help, the zombie invasion will happen wherever OP works.

br0ccoli 14

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:56

123josie123 11

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 13:24

^ jup, with that being said... This is your queue to go OP!

HerrBawl 4

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 13:43

*cue

123josie123 11

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 13:51

Bite me grammar nazi, it was an honest mistake.

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 14:24

And it was an honest correction. Wouldn't you be thankful later on when you don't misspell cue on your job application, thus making you look slightly more intelligent and getting you the job? All thanks to this little "grammar nazi" here?

MerrikBarbarian 9

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 17:33

4 has a very good point. Listening to your gut can save your life. Lord knows there is enough crazy people out there killing and eating others I'd want a plan to safely disable anyone in close proximity to me with a potential weapon. Better safe then sorry op, and if your gut is right you'll be the safest person there.

craphappened 4

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:58

So, that's not normal? I think like that too. Except I know it's just my imagination. Maybe you're just imaginative?

MerrikBarbarian 9

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 17:37

66- note to self- avoid banks with you. ;) Though I run through dozens of potential disaster scenarios and how to deal with them regularly, and learn to improvise tools. I figure mild paranoia never hurt anyone if it lead to good tactical planning. Assume the worst while hoping for the best is my motto

craphappened 4

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 18:48

66 I do that sometimes. Hah! And I always have a strategy ready in my head in case someone decides to rob me at the ATM.

craphappened 4

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 18:50

Yeah 70! Never hurts to be a little paranoid. Prepares you for the inevitable.

SuperGirlTaDa 15

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Thursday 7 June 2012 8:00

I found my type of people!

tony1891 22

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:58

never know. he might actually be thinking about it.

hecallsmedarlin 7

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Wednesday 6 June 2012 11:58

Well, it's always good to be prepaid. You never know. There are a lot of sick psychotic people out there.... Or maybe with all the 48 hours I watch I'm just as paranoid as you.