Miscellaneous: Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front...

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Unimpressed

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

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1850

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 05:01 - Germany - Aachen

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

Today, my mom wrote me an email, asking how I was doing after an accident yesterday. I wrote back at length, telling her everything in detail. Two hours later, she calls me on the phone, asking how I am. She was simply too lazy to check her mail and expected me to tell her everything a second time. FML

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896

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By Anonymous

How to make a sociopath

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

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1637

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By babyfatt - Australia

Today, I handed my resume in to a cafe that was hiring. I returned home and noticed a voicemail, it was one from the boss for a trial. I eagerly returned the call, showing my enthusiasm. Without thinking, I ended with "ok love you. *GASP* ah, BYE" and quickly hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years, who is a fabulous guitarist and singer, told me he wrote me a song. I was so excited. Turns out it was a break up song. FML

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64766

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By badjob - United States

Today, I called the company with whom I had a job interview last week, which I thought went great, but hadn't heard back from. One of the interviewers claimed that I tried to grope her. FML

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By pixkalexi - United States - North Easton

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

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By Jules - 29/10/2020 02:03 - Germany - Aachen

Modernity

Today, my health insurance has finally gone digital, so I sent them a message through their webpage, asking a question. I then got an email, telling me they'd replied. I had to log into their webpage again to see the reply, which read, "A letter concerning your question has been sent to you by post." FML

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By Sharkie49 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I paid top dollar for an Italian soda that ended up consisting almost entirely of ice. When I complained, the girl insisted that the soda water stopped the ice from melting. She said she didn't see what the problem was, and threatened to have me thrown out if I didn't "simmer down." FML

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By MineAlwaysTouching

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

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3360

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By IncompatibleMetier - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

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By crazy dog lady - 2/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Furry family

Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML

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1343

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By blargerpanda - 29/4/2021 20:01 - United States

Dick move

Today, I heard my 7 year-old step-daughter tell her father over Zoom she cries every night, because she wants to go home with him. I don't have the heart to tell her that he had kicked her and her mom out of the house because he thought mom's stretch marks were unattractive. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

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33713

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

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By Keyser Soze

Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML

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By wellhellothere - United States

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

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By Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally found the words to describe how I felt after 2 years of depression. I asked on Yahoo Answers what I should do next. The most 'helpful' answer told me to go on a picnic. FML

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By peter - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I decided to not hang in the library after school like I usually do. When I got home, I found my father cheating on my mother with my girlfriend, who said she was gay. FML

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By kay_jay1819 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By LOTRfail - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

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By qx5 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By willkftw

Today, I backed a van into another car at work, damaging the tailgate in the process. I work at a panel beater. The van I was driving had just had a brand new tailgate put on. FML

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By mcmanager - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

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By fuckingcool

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Purr Evil

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

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By rockefoe - United States

What have you done this time?

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

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31518

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By Anonymous

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

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By ellen77 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I had to babysit two kids. It all went well until one of them duct taped a knife to a toy machine gun, lit the barbecue on fire, and ran around like a wild banshee screaming obscenities. The other one got scared and climbed onto the roof of the house. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flemington

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

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34565

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By "daddyrobyn"

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

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2316

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By Sailorjoe - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By mmmtortilla - Spain - Portugalete

Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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By DontBeRude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

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Top comments

By swampbaby985 | 30

#6478167 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:05

He must be the brother of the guy who thought his brothers semen in the sink was toothpaste.

By Cadeth | 13

#6478175 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:12

You say FML, but can you imagine how much it must have sucked for him, having you walk in on him while he's peacefully trying to masturbate?

COMMENTS

By thaqueen_fml | 15

#6478159 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:01

Well that's just unsanitary.

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6478168 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:05

I think it's a *bit* more than just unsanitary

cole_tyler42 | 21

#6478259 - Sunday 6 December 2015 2:02

It's much more than unsanitary, it's extremely fun.

By SoulEaterSE | 23

#6478162 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:04

He should at least have the class to do it in his dorm room

By C00kiesNcream | 24

#6478163 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:04

I honestly wish people would respect others and morales by taking their personal business somewhere private.

By DMDiaz | 15

#6478164 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:04

Did you join him?

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6478214 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:58

What's the matter with you, exactly?

syki | 22

#6478274 - Sunday 6 December 2015 2:35

I love how your respective facial expressions match your comments.

dutchy86 | 20

#6478435 - Sunday 6 December 2015 7:40

joining doubles the fun...

By swampbaby985 | 30

#6478167 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:05

He must be the brother of the guy who thought his brothers semen in the sink was toothpaste.

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6478284 - Sunday 6 December 2015 2:53

Lol I thought the same thing

pjsr | 32

#6479297 - Monday 7 December 2015 16:44

Yeah, if he told little bro, 'Don't do it in our sink anymore', he must have had to find a different sink'

By Cadeth | 13

#6478175 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:12

You say FML, but can you imagine how much it must have sucked for him, having you walk in on him while he's peacefully trying to masturbate?

townailz | 16

#6478478 - Sunday 6 December 2015 8:31

He was masturbating in a public bathroom. I really don't think he cares what other people think lol

dabaerju | 23

#6478544 - Sunday 6 December 2015 12:43

"Today, I went to masturbate on the public toilet sink in my college. Someone came. FML"

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6478606 - Sunday 6 December 2015 15:33

If that were made instead of this FML, I would hit You Deserved It faster than a speeding bullet.

By mds9986 | 24

#6478177 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:13

Wel-cum to college.

By beeferjay | 34

#6478183 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:22

fapmaster 5000, New nick name for that guy

By fatal4life | 10

#6478185 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:23

College makes people do some crazy shit

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6478188 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:24

if you can't beat them, join them ;) haha

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6478239 - Sunday 6 December 2015 1:22

Uhh... He's already beating it...

8Dirty1 | 24

#6478338 - Sunday 6 December 2015 4:45

duhh reread it with that in mind my comment will sound dirty haha