Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front...

By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 03:55 - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Big baby man

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Vultures

By sandiego - 22/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

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By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 17:53 - Canada

Today, I thought I'd wear my snow boots so I wouldn't slip on the ice at work. I crashed my car because I can't feel the pedals with my boots on. FML

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By Dee - 13/7/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - 17/3/2015 07:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2014 21:04 - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

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By trojan72 - 13/6/2017 00:00

Today, marks a whole month that my boss has asked me to come in early to my part-time job, which makes me pretty happy to get the extra hours. I casually made a joke that she might as well make me full-time now. That made her change her mind, now I'm back down to 23 hours a week. FML

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By - 7/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, after a year and half of being single, I was asked out on a date. I was asked by a married man. FML

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By Mike - 1/3/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By stewardess - 3/10/2014 01:55 - United States

Today, I asked a passenger what he wanted to drink. When he said marijuana, I started making pot jokes. He really asked for mineral water. I was given a drug test when we landed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 20:34 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my 24-year-old brother again yelled at me for looking at him while he was on the toilet. It'd be easier not to if he didn't sit on the toilet with the door wide open, and if the bathroom wasn't directly opposite my bedroom. FML

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By sparkrok - 6/3/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

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By Drunk - 13/9/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

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By thanks hun - 7/5/2020 20:00

Overheard musings

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By brbkillingmyself - 8/8/2015 22:52 - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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By hylianprincess - 25/9/2014 11:19 - United States

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 18:25 - Italy - Pistoia

Today, I found out that the generous gift from my boyfriend of a new iPhone was only given so he could use the "find my phone" function to make sure I'm always where I say I am each day. I'm being stalked by my own boyfriend. FML

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By blairheir721 - 17/5/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asks where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly and said, "yeah that's what my degree's in too." FML

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By HungryStudent - 20/8/2014 18:59 - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By Ryan - 7/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML

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By jk2010 - 3/2/2010 17:44 - Israel

Today, I finally removed my car insurance after realizing it costs too much money. Since I then had more money, I went to celebrate with ice cream. On the way, I got hit by a truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 21:47 - Canada

Today, I was eating jell-o and was reading a fact website, when I read that gelatin is made from the collagen in cow or pig bones. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 05:03 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 18:55 - United States - Escondido

Today, I have the flu. I had to wash the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash, and take care of the laundry, all while my wife sat around watching TV, because she was "too tired". I work 8 hours a day. She's a college student. She doesn't see what's so unfair about this. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 05:26 - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By notoneatall - 7/7/2014 03:39 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

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By WickedRene - 2/8/2014 01:57 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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By James - 30/3/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 23:05 - Netherlands

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 17:30

Today, my husband cancelled our internet and cable package because we’re having money problems. I work from home and need the internet to do so. I guess getting a job of his own wasn’t an option. FML

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By tessykins - 22/10/2009 07:41 - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2012 12:36 - Australia

Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2011 00:50 - Brazil

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

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By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

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By wrongtarget - 21/10/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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By cheersdaddy - 8/6/2011 14:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML

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By dinomite - 26/3/2011 12:05

Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML

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By Noname - 10/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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Top comments

By swampbaby985 | 30

#6478167 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:05

He must be the brother of the guy who thought his brothers semen in the sink was toothpaste.

By Cadeth | 13

#6478175 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:12

You say FML, but can you imagine how much it must have sucked for him, having you walk in on him while he's peacefully trying to masturbate?

Comments

By thaqueen_fml | 15

#6478159 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:01

Well that's just unsanitary.

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6478168 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:05

I think it's a *bit* more than just unsanitary

cole_tyler42 | 21

#6478259 - Sunday 6 December 2015 2:02

It's much more than unsanitary, it's extremely fun.

By SoulEaterSE | 23

#6478162 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:04

He should at least have the class to do it in his dorm room

By C00kiesNcream | 24

#6478163 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:04

I honestly wish people would respect others and morales by taking their personal business somewhere private.

By DMDiaz | 15

#6478164 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:04

Did you join him?

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6478214 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:58

What's the matter with you, exactly?

syki | 22

#6478274 - Sunday 6 December 2015 2:35

I love how your respective facial expressions match your comments.

dutchy86 | 20

#6478435 - Sunday 6 December 2015 7:40

joining doubles the fun...

By swampbaby985 | 30

#6478167 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:05

He must be the brother of the guy who thought his brothers semen in the sink was toothpaste.

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6478284 - Sunday 6 December 2015 2:53

Lol I thought the same thing

pjsr | 32

#6479297 - Monday 7 December 2015 16:44

Yeah, if he told little bro, 'Don't do it in our sink anymore', he must have had to find a different sink'

By Cadeth | 13

#6478175 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:12

You say FML, but can you imagine how much it must have sucked for him, having you walk in on him while he's peacefully trying to masturbate?

townailz | 16

#6478478 - Sunday 6 December 2015 8:31

He was masturbating in a public bathroom. I really don't think he cares what other people think lol

dabaerju | 23

#6478544 - Sunday 6 December 2015 12:43

"Today, I went to masturbate on the public toilet sink in my college. Someone came. FML"

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6478606 - Sunday 6 December 2015 15:33

If that were made instead of this FML, I would hit You Deserved It faster than a speeding bullet.

By mds9986 | 24

#6478177 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:13

Wel-cum to college.

By beeferjay | 34

#6478183 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:22

fapmaster 5000, New nick name for that guy

By fatal4life | 10

#6478185 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:23

College makes people do some crazy shit

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6478188 - Sunday 6 December 2015 0:24

if you can't beat them, join them ;) haha

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6478239 - Sunday 6 December 2015 1:22

Uhh... He's already beating it...

8Dirty1 | 24

#6478338 - Sunday 6 December 2015 4:45

duhh reread it with that in mind my comment will sound dirty haha