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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 06/11/2010 04:36 - United States

Today, I discovered the piggy bank I made a Facebook account for has more friends than me. It has 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 594

You deserved it 14 443

Let me out!

By Archie - 07/01/2010 08:31 - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 591

You deserved it 4 265

By botheredgf - 09/11/2010 12:02 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 590

You deserved it 4 438

By horsefuck - 07/08/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 587

You deserved it 6 901

By banana2894 - 10/08/2012 04:40 - United States - Eugene

Today, I looked over at the car parked next to me and noticed a very large woman plucking her mustache. She locked eyes with me and kept plucking. After that, every time I looked over, she was still staring. Staring and plucking. Now when I close my eyes, I can still see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 585

You deserved it 3 506

Source?

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 13:16 - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 585

You deserved it 1 799

Simp

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 585

You deserved it 40 195

Healthy hair tips

By EggHead - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 584

You deserved it 37 132

By grubbieduc - 06/10/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 583

You deserved it 2 782

By mothtal - 03/06/2012 16:13 - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to take me on a date. Just as we were about to drive away, my dad ran out of the house in his underwear and started yelling that he'd kill my boyfriend if I wasn't back home within the hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 581

You deserved it 2 270

Rave on

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I used the same credit card to apply to college and pay for a rave ticket. My card went through on the rave ticket but denied the college application fee. I guess my credit card is trying to tell me something about my future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 581

You deserved it 10 972

Good boy

By AgathedeBlouse - 18/11/2008 06:42 - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 580

You deserved it 25 188

By Nick - 23/08/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I found my truck broken into. Whoever broke in ripped my dash apart, and the stupid idiot couldn't get the radio out. So now I have a trashed truck interior, and the moron has nothing to show for it. He did leave behind his Subway wrapper though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 579

You deserved it 2 324

Welcome back!

By Flooded - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 579

You deserved it 3 645

By themanzz - 08/10/2010 12:08 - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 578

You deserved it 8 649

By beautyschool22 - 11/06/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 578

You deserved it 3 287

By lauramarie - 23/07/2011 14:18 - Canada

Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 577

You deserved it 15 620

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 05:37 - United States

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 576

You deserved it 2 628

Praise the lord

By mrb72 - 03/02/2009 10:48 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 576

You deserved it 19 266

By shwasted - 22/02/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 574

You deserved it 3 802

How very dare you?

By FOXYgrandpa441 - 19/07/2012 00:41 - United States - Casper

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 573

You deserved it 3 192

By Why? - 05/03/2015 22:34 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 573

You deserved it 2 552

By raz - 02/10/2012 00:11 - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 572

You deserved it 2 643

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 06:37 - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 572

You deserved it 8 724

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 18:54 - United States - Goldendale

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 571

You deserved it 1 950

By nosonofmine - 23/06/2012 17:43 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, my son and I attended the funeral of a family friend. It went as well as any funeral could, up until the point that my apparently drunk son tried to grope the widow. I came an inch away from causing my son to need his own funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 570

You deserved it 2 874

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with, "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 570

You deserved it 8 486

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 569

You deserved it 3 518

By diorlove - 21/01/2010 22:17 - France

Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 568

You deserved it 4 937

By Nate - 06/03/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 567

You deserved it 52 670

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The Top

Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 982

You deserved it 226

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 363

You deserved it 17 546

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 309

You deserved it 3 155

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 340

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 781

You deserved it 3 903

Today, my water pills are almost identical to my sleeping pills, so not only did I not get any sleep, I had to get up every 15-30 minutes to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 327