Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came...

By themanzz - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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Animals

Hi mom!

Monetize your shit life

Yeah, fuck the poor

By alone

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been talking to another girl behind my back about how much he hates being with me. Turns out he’s been talking to her everyday for 3 months, and she kept pushing him to leave me, but he was only staying because I cook for him. FML

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By "AR Good" - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

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By FutureMarine3658 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelt my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

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By bridetobe - United States

Today, I am sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

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By dmvfail - United States

Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML

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By flavored - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day of softball practice. I'm the youngest one on the team by about 2 years, so I wanted to prove I'm just as good as everyone else. Too bad I tripped in the outfield and got hit in the head with a bat. I have a concussion. FML

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By insomniac x2 - Mexico - Garza Garc

Today, I watched TV in the early morning. I was watching The Ring, and when the scene came on where the girl is crawling out of the TV, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By Unlovedchild

Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn't remind them. FML

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By Rakib - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

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By thanks sis - 3/7/2020 05:02

Role model

Today, I went over to visit my sister. She had a bunch of pictures of me on her wall. I thought it was sweet, but a bit odd. Turns out she looks at pictures of me to motivate herself whenever she doesn’t feel like working out. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

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By phillyfan4life - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

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By whattheheck - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

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By iamgermantoo - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dover

Today, an Asian man approached me and called me pretty. I thanked him and he asked if I'm Chinese. When I said, "No, I'm Taiwanese" he promptly spat in my face and called me a "traitor to the motherland." FML

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By cero_kewl - United States

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend and my ex-boyfriend went on a business trip, got drunk, and ended up sleeping together. Now they want to start dating. FML

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By Drew - United States - Harrodsburg

Today, it's my birthday. My grandma posted about it on her Facebook wall, but people got confused and thought it was her birthday instead. She got twice as many birthday wishes as I did, and that's including the ones I got outside of Facebook. FML

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By jayswizzle89 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By montanadinosaur - United States - Tampa

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

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By sillvy - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

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By meggiemouse - United States

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

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By gingerwhinger - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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By rosie21030 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

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By Buzz - France

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, somewhat annoyed: "Dont drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

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By good big sister? - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bed. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screams when she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." FML

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By andrie09 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, my manager made everyone put up Christmas decorations around the store. As well as this, we're going to have Christmas music playing on repeat all the way through to January. It's not even September yet. FML

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By Aliya - United States

Today, I was eating nacho chips with my nieces when I started to feel that some were wet. I look at my niece and notice she was sucking on the chips, and putting them back in the bag. FML

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By James - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

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By Sedici - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By swervelol

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

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By illenram06 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1518133 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:20

A dog's bark comes out of its mouth, not its ass. Learn that.

By Occums_Razor | 0

#1518088 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:14

Yum.

COMMENTS

By Occums_Razor | 0

#1518088 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:14

Yum.

biass | 0

#1518196 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:38

get glasses, idiot.

chuy92 | 0

#1518213 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:43

it's not bad unless you squish it :p

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1518236 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:52

Did your hand smell like shit afterwards? XD

Smeagol648 | 0

#1518250 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:59

So what OP? He has a good sense of humour. And plus he gives a good fcuk. This isn't an FML.

KingDingALing | 9

#1518439 - Friday 8 October 2010 21:24

24- Hahahahaha! I love your pic!

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1518557 - Friday 8 October 2010 22:06

Hahahahahahaha sucks for you op.

ygdrassil | 17

#1518645 - Friday 8 October 2010 22:43

You wrote "Dad," it should be "dad."

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1518769 - Friday 8 October 2010 23:29

Lol @ 24. In that case, I don't EVER want a dog with a sense of humor.

madarchod | 0

#1521111 - Saturday 9 October 2010 9:32

how does it smell?

PieInTheSky24 | 0

#1521677 - Saturday 9 October 2010 12:17

#1 exactly what I was going to say :D

Smeagol648 | 0

#1523655 - Saturday 9 October 2010 21:17

32- Why, thank you :D
43- Sorry, that comment was actually for the other FML post. I have no idea how it ended up here :S
P/S: 43 your reply made me laugh! xD