Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down....

By pothole - 3/3/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

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24967

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Transportation

Trust

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Boom, headshot

By FFFFF- - 2/3/2011 17:12 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - 6/3/2014 05:52 - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 09:42 - United States

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc... and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personallities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

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By Eternal Servitude - 2/5/2015 16:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I went to run outside, only to smack straight into our sliding glass door. Just a few hours beforehand, my mom put up a strip of colored tape to stop this from happening. FML

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By notinthebutt - 14/6/2011 17:57 - United States

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

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By Tomaino - 18/8/2019 04:02

Today, my best friend got drunk and told me he's only friends with me because no one else will be friends with him. He then went on to tell me that he wasn't actually that drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:09 - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

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By ice ice baby - 8/9/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 15:29 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

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40710

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By Erbtosis - 13/5/2016 02:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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17090

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By ohno - 17/3/2015 20:35 - United States - Spring Lake

Today, for the second time, I had an argument with my mother about whether William Shakespeare was a real person or not. FML

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By ldn - 21/3/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

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By Rar - 9/5/2015 17:13 - United States - Palatine

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

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By pleasedtomeetyou - 13/1/2010 16:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2013 06:04 - Australia - Mulgrave

Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 03:34 - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

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37881

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

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By GamingWolfy5 - 27/6/2019 06:36

Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML

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480

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By Cherie - 9/12/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

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By Sleepy - 31/5/2015 15:51 - United States - Apo

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

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27391

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By maddie! - 9/2/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - 4/7/2013 07:03 - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 04:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

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By whiskey'swino - 9/6/2019 14:19

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

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1883

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By worsethanzombies - 23/11/2009 16:40 - Spain

Today, my car crashed and the only refuge was at a nearby house, the resident of which was a crazy psycho. Now replace "crazy psycho" with "crazy ex-girlfriend who won't help you unless you compose a poem about how much you love her." FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By itsplashedeverywhere - 27/10/2015 18:59 - United States - Boulder

Today, I was unfortunate enough to discover what happens when you vomit mid-drink at a water fountain. FML

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By daddylove - 12/6/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says "Oh, honey. I don't care... Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML

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By fuckedover - 26/2/2013 16:43 - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

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By erlad678 - 4/1/2011 02:59

Today, I was woken up by the sound of part of my kitchen ceiling hitting the floor. FML

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30584

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By are you kidding me???? - 20/7/2012 04:58 - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2015 21:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

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By Alli.M - 18/3/2012 11:06 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

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33279

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By man - 8/5/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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By dammitt - 10/10/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, my best friend and I went to the movies. There was a hot cashier, so I thought it would be cool to talk in a British accent to try and be sexy. I walked up and started talking when he interrupted me and said in a very heavy British accent, "I know you're faking. You can stop now." FML

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Top comments

By NGM_47 | 0

#912090 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:18

Clean it up with Orbit white!....FABULOUS!

For a good, clean feeling, no matter what!

By Sfugius | 0

#912081 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:15

...why was your mouth open again...?

COMMENTS

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#912076 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:14

No better way to clench your thirst than that.

scarletdragonfly | 5

#912109 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:22

Tasty!

scarletdragonfly | 5

#912116 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:24

Haha! At first I thought it said, "hit a poodle" instead of, "hit a pothole".

FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#912165 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:34

erjaguam?

tweetbaby14 | 17

#912175 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:38

why were you driving with your mouth open in the first place?

Intoxicunt | 5

#912179 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:42

Lmao, snickerdoodles. Very good.

FMyLifeCereal | 0

#912239 - Thursday 4 March 2010 0:02

Sounds like Tiger Woods' dream neighborhood sply.

woofis | 0

#912281 - Thursday 4 March 2010 0:17

that sucks

christianm791 | 0

#912320 - Thursday 4 March 2010 0:32

lol

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#912379 - Thursday 4 March 2010 0:58

I meant snickerdoodles lol

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#912386 - Thursday 4 March 2010 0:59

WTF is going on I don't know where my other comment went, so snickerdoodles is what I meant not "snickerdoodled"

ThuhBoss | 0

#912418 - Thursday 4 March 2010 1:10

I bet you swallowed.

UberFail79 | 0

#912430 - Thursday 4 March 2010 1:12

Well, the OP DID get Snickerdoodled...

chrislegend | 0

#912559 - Thursday 4 March 2010 1:47

err...quench

1sh4ggedURm0m | 0

#912577 - Thursday 4 March 2010 1:52

lol

NoDeath | 0

#912750 - Thursday 4 March 2010 2:54

That's right drink it I bet it tasted like shjt

Yee12 | 0

#912965 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:20

WTF is anti flood protection?

Yee12 | 0

#912971 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:22

Olympian94 | 0

#913038 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:49

I R.E.A.L.L.Y. would like to slap Snick square in the face.

Sorry, someone had to say it.

Fatalally | 4

#913054 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:54

Lmao like #1 said, why was his mouth open?* Oh what a nice day, drops mouth open and sticks his head the window* lol

Yee12 | 0

#913257 - Thursday 4 March 2010 6:37

Anti flood protection won't let me be a troll :(

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#913285 - Thursday 4 March 2010 6:57

#55 I don't know but it's annoying

boyguydudemalema | 0

#913374 - Thursday 4 March 2010 7:45

snickerdoodle, what an annoying fuck. By the way, isn't it spose to be "quench?" just asking

erjaguam | 0

#925522 - Monday 8 March 2010 17:10

lol!

Narelon | 12

#5510944 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 23:42

Settle down there, Hulk.

By Sfugius | 0

#912081 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:15

...why was your mouth open again...?

Mahyar | 2

#912150 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:29

PWN LOLLOKOLOLOL

ralphv16 | 1

#912758 - Thursday 4 March 2010 2:55

way too happy. he shouldve kept his mouth shut.

By NGM_47 | 0

#912090 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:18

Clean it up with Orbit white!....FABULOUS!

For a good, clean feeling, no matter what!

jellybean120 | 10

#912096 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:19

you just made me laugh for about a minute! :D

morganmariah | 0

#912160 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:34

haha that's great!

kirbykzoo | 0

#912227 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:55

zang. stole my line

lol_ironic_life | 9

#912233 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:58

lol was thinking the same thing! Why was OPs mouth open anyways?

deathcab7 | 0

#912540 - Thursday 4 March 2010 1:42

op likes keeping their mouth open at all times. just to be prepared.

foxytrot | 0

#912638 - Thursday 4 March 2010 2:13

hahaha!!!!

carolinebeast | 0

#913854 - Thursday 4 March 2010 13:51

lmao hahahahaaxD that goes with your picture so well xDD

By alyssadapsycho | 7

#912092 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:19

thats wat yu get fo keepin yur windows open

By baby_gurly | 0

#912108 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:23

BAHAHAHA! that just made my day. btw. delishh.

By PsychoMerk | 0

#912114 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:24

so the other people couldve potentially died and you're tripping about water? 0_o it's not like your seat are made of suede... cuz that'd be stupid -_-