Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving... - FML

By shwasted - 22/2/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

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Car Wars

Mind your own beeswax

Creepy

By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By Anonymoose - 25/12/2011 11:39 - Switzerland

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

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By avocadopurse - 9/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By Woops - 27/8/2014 22:57 - United States - Secaucus

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

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By first time at McDonald's in months... - 27/3/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

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By kolgate - 15/2/2012 10:12 - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentines Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

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By kirrby - 12/11/2011 06:41 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

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By mmaisie - 1/2/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a 2000 word essay on "Las Vegas - The City That Never Sleeps". I was proud of my work, until someone pointed out that New York is "The City That Never Sleeps", not Vegas. FML

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By Jesus - 27/9/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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By has an old monitor - 5/12/2014 14:00 - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, I went to the drive-through and ordered 5 cheeseburgers. I told the cashier that some of them were for my girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend, and I ate all of them by myself. FML

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By imalosertho - 11/6/2014 01:01 - Canada - Truro

Today, I was really hungry at work, and my stomach growled loudly. One of my co-workers heard it and thought it was a cat. Ashamed, I played dumb and we ended up spending twenty minutes looking for a cat that I knew didn't exist. FML

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By 50sStyle - 12/6/2017 19:00 - United States - Hartland

Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 15:09 - Canada

Today, I saw a picture of me from a night of drinking that surprisingly looked really really good. I showed my boyfriend and he agreed with me. Then he added, "What's funny is it looks nothing like you!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2020 01:00

Don't worry!

Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

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By WayToGoDaddyHo - 8/7/2015 06:17 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 03:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

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By nadalada - 18/2/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

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By lovekills99 - 19/1/2009 17:59 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2017 20:00

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

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By PinkMonkeys - 23/11/2016 18:33

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

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By NotAMorningPerson - 12/2/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, after informing my boss I needed stress leave from my 70 hour a week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week starting at 2am. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 22:38 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

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By qwerty6 - 30/9/2009 06:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. I asked my mom that instead of a present if she would make a donation to my favourite charity. She said that this wasn't a "proper" present for a 15-year-old girl. Instead she got me a kettle because "ours had broke and you make the most tea in the family." FML

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By Noname - 1/2/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, my fiancée "thought I should know" that she has a $125,000 student loan debt. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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By j4 - 19/12/2014 23:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML

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By omfg - 8/10/2019 00:01

Addictive

Today, I was introduced to Minecraft. I haven't blinked in 5 hours. FML

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By what the actual fuck - 11/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Puyallup

Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML

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By ktorih137 - 14/5/2013 11:32 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By troubled - 2/1/2010 20:27 - France

Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

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By dfhgblsf - 5/4/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

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By anon - 9/9/2013 15:15 - United States - Mantua

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. -Mom and Dad." FML

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By Eve - 24/6/2011 10:45 - Ireland

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

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By imsorrytimmy - 2/4/2009 15:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 21:40 - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

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Top comments

By time4coffee | 3

#881984 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:33

YDI should have dumped him after the restaurant.

By heyred | 11

#881957 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:25

This sounds suspiciously like the 80's movie, "Blind Date."

COMMENTS

By funnyman95 | 0

#881928 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:20

Was it your FIRST date?

Reply

Elamdri | 0

#882008 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:49

It says first date in the first sentence.

Reply

nazooer | 11

#882070 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:15

No, it says one of his first dates. How many first dates do you get, OP?

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#882072 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:15

I think #1 meant first date ever. Funnyman, I don't think it was since he says "one of the worst first dates" of his life.

Reply

iSwag | 0

#882104 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:40

the point of #1's post was to announce his 'firstness'. notice the capital letters. not as much of a win as mushoo but nice try

Reply

inconvienentgurl | 0

#882174 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:37

To all of you who keep saying "his"...uhm the O.P. is a WOMAN.
@ 21....huh??

@ O.P. At least you know what not to look for in a guy, right? Sorry your date was so bad though.

Reply

sweetheart1 | 0

#882497 - Monday 22 February 2010 17:26

awh your so cute iswag lol

Reply

thundercats29 | 0

#883057 - Monday 22 February 2010 22:41

Lol lied about it? "Whats that?" "I dunno" "How did it get there?" "A guy came in, and he puke in your car!"

Reply

funnyman95 | 0

#883713 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 2:13

Yes, yes #19 is correct! Good job 19... You've now earned my friendship for an entire lifetime. CONGRATS!!!

Reply

iSwag | 0

#884781 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:07

@ 30 lol thanks :)

@ 29 even though that comment cost you a middle finger it still made me laugh and for that u thank you lol

@ funnyman thanks...but seeing as how nobody before me noticed perhaps it was a bigger win than I thought...kudos bro

By omgitsdomonique | 0

#881929 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:20

sucks for you! (enter number of the numerical order I'm under)

By dreamer15 | 0

#881937 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:22

ew that's disgusting I hope you at least tookhim home though

By MQ_was_here | 0

#881954 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:25

I can't believe you would want IT in your car after what it just did. *sigh*

By Secret_Fire_King | 0

#881956 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:25

OP could have put out.. Just 'cause she just had the worst first date ever, doesn't mean her date can't have the best.. ;-)

Reply

tsoccerdude | 0

#883298 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 0:19

r u gay fire king

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#883309 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 0:22

r u 1nc4p4bl3 0v sp3ll1ng ts0cc3rdood?!?!!111!11!!!!!!!11111

Reply

redshortsx | 0

#886637 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 0:19

yeah seriously dude look at your pic

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#895475 - Saturday 27 February 2010 0:17

nah, I'm heterosexual.. Why do you ask soccerdude?
If it's for the reason I think: I'm sorry, I'm not the slightest bit interested.. XD
redshorts might be up for it, though.. xD

By heyred | 11

#881957 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:25

This sounds suspiciously like the 80's movie, "Blind Date."

By EllyH | 0

#881980 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:31

Why do you drive home bad first dates?
don't do that :)

By time4coffee | 3

#881984 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:33

YDI should have dumped him after the restaurant.

Reply

MQ_was_here | 0

#881987 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:35

Wahi^^

Reply

MQ_was_here | 0

#881989 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:37

Oh shoot, I just realized I wrote that in Urdu. What I meant to say was "Exactly". LOL.

Ahem.

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#882077 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:18

OP is a man and apparently a gentleman. YDBetter.

Reply

iSwag | 0

#882191 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:47

@ MQ: nice shoes...I bet you look VERY GOOD in those :-)

Reply

KayBizz | 0

#882421 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:43

^ bet she's ugly. ur gonna regret that comment

Reply

MQ_was_here | 0

#882638 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:18

@ iSwag: lol, thank you. =)
and as for #29: *insert middle finger*

Good day.

Reply

MQ_was_here | 0

#882701 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:51

Okay, why am I feeding the picture-less troll?Carry on, mofo!

By Scourge87 | 0

#881998 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:42

I gather there won't be a second date ?

I mean, even if he was screwing up because he was too nervous (something I could relate to) it sounds like he couldn't do sh*t straight with a ruler. Not a cool way to end up a night really, in any circumstances.

Reply

imzdrummer | 0

#883129 - Monday 22 February 2010 23:32

you should go out with him again jk lol

By iamchuck | 0

#882005 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:47

Similar to my first date with the girl that is now my wife.