Transportation: Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML

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Transportation

Dementia or hate? You decide

Season finale

Boozehounds

By LicenseLoser

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

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By Lockout - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

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By jarv49 - Australia

Today, I saw my doc about the painful swelling I've had in my arm all week. He seemed totally out of it, and ended up telling me it's all in my head, despite the swelling. When I respectfully suggested it might be a blood issue, he just said "nah". FML

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By cramps - Australia

Today, I got my period. 10 minutes into a 3 hour exam. Apparently they are serious when they say you may not leave the room under any circumstances. FML

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By Tom Riddle - Philippines

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

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By Mia - United States - Astoria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML

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By wolfwhowanders - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my $1300 mattress that I bought for my new home was delivered. To my old house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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By momolee - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

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By Theguyinthedark - Bangladesh

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

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By Puppylove - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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By anonymous1 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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By Secretisout - United States

Today, I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, 9 years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late 20s. FML

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By KaiyaOtaku1 - United States - Seattle

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Grief is weird

Today, my boyfriend's freshly-repainted car got keyed. He's literally more of an inconsolable wreck now than he was when his own mother passed away last year. When I tried hinting that he was overreacting, he told me to go to hell. FML

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By Aric - 8/10/2020 05:01

Thanks Felicia

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I wanted nothing more than to go home and get into bed. While I was unlocking my front door, the flimsy key snapped off inside the lock. A locksmith was called out, who did nothing but sadistically guffaw at my misfortune and crack sarcastic jokes as he undid the lock. FML

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By breathexali - United States

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

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By EmberLove - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 07:57 - Germany - Zittau

Puke is good for you

Today, there's a campaign in my country advertising natural dog food. Apparently, nobody amongst the creators speaks English. How do I know? The hashtag they came up with is #SimplyBarf. FML

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By Douche - 31/7/2020 23:01

Karma chameleon

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

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By JellitonOctopus - United States

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Mandeville

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML

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By BrokeAsHell - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

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By mislabelled mother

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

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By wtfjusthappened - United States - Redmond

Today, I went down on the girl of my dreams. While I was down there, I started to put on a condom. As I came back up to start having sex, she told me she couldn't cheat on her boyfriend. FML

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By single now - United States

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

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By kady - United States

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

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Top comments

By speshlk37 | 13

#3361910 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:25

Did that piss you off?

By Olivxr | 5

#3361897 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:23

That's so gross.

COMMENTS

By Olivxr | 5

#3361897 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:23

That's so gross.

Lanceeden | 12

#3361916 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:26

Maybe he just spilled his apple juice. ...that was warm.

Rico_Mal1116 | 0

#3361976 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:32

Don't worry at least it wasn't in your face.

enonymous | 8

#3362015 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:38

Looks like you found the leak. Charge him for changing his radiator coolant and call it a day

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3362108 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:51

Well how else was he going to have heated seats?

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3362316 - Thursday 29 September 2011 0:05

Same thing happened to me on the bus a while back. Ever since never been on a public one.

fromthesuck | 8

#3362938 - Thursday 29 September 2011 3:02

Yep. Private busses are a much better. Who provides your personal bus service?

iluvhobos | 5

#3363059 - Thursday 29 September 2011 3:55

:O it's a Poppy stain!! (:

neveragain234 | 1

#3363180 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:29

offer him apple juice that is really pee, that'll teach him

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#3363776 - Thursday 29 September 2011 8:37

At least it wasn't diarrhea

scrapmetal58 | 9

#3367788 - Friday 30 September 2011 6:17

Dude naw

By katsteak | 0

#3361899 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:24

Well atleast your butt was warm (:

katsteak | 0

#3361925 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:27

Sorry you cant delete that my uncle fails.

Boyaa | 3

#3362011 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:38

Boyaa !

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3362050 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:44

Ice cold ass? No money for a fancy car with heated seats? No problem, just piss your pants! It's the ghetto seat warmer.

fishing12345 | 2

#3362802 - Thursday 29 September 2011 2:14

Only 4 a little bit

DrewsFML | 8

#3363792 - Thursday 29 September 2011 8:45

Urine the hot seat now! No? Nevermind.

By speshlk37 | 13

#3361910 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:25

Did that piss you off?

ColtsDoug18 | 0

#3361967 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:31

nah, it must have pooped her off...

Lanceeden | 12

#3362229 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 23:35

what? ^

nitewlf12 | 10

#3363251 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:47

12- That was a shitty joke.

thaCODgod | 4

#3363619 - Thursday 29 September 2011 7:04

this is stupid.

By ColtsDoug18 | 0

#3361926 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:27

Hey, he's old. he would've jizzed if he was younger. Can't blame the poor guy

whatgoescomes | 5

#3362048 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:43

Umm not really

pepelittle9 | 0

#3362700 - Thursday 29 September 2011 1:37

Yes really :3

nitewlf12 | 10

#3363268 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:51

54- Is your username seriously "pepelittle?" And you're trying to talk about jizz? How ironic.

By windfuelsfire | 10

#3361928 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:27

He's into watersports, but with unconsenting random ppl like yourself!!

By drloves69 | 4

#3361931 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:28

So you where pretty pissed?

By ikickgingers | 15

#3361943 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:29

That depends...

By hannahcorrine | 0

#3361964 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:31

Thats extremely cute.

LaughinStock | 16

#3363334 - Thursday 29 September 2011 5:16

Um how?!?! 0.o

MissRoxiie | 12

#3363585 - Thursday 29 September 2011 6:44

Wtf?

By copy125 | 0

#3361974 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:32

Dude there's nothing to even say but F your life lol that sucks

By hannahcorrine | 0

#3361980 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:33