Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership,...

By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 16:30 - United States

Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML

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Transportation

Empathy hurts

Minefield

This ain't working out

By supermanxs1 - 9/3/2010 15:32 - United States

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 08:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

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By Jeff - 2/3/2010 15:53 - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

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By MUemma - 26/2/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML

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By onlychild - 12/4/2014 06:22 - United States

Today, my sister is working on her graduation speech. She gives her thanks to one friend for helping support her through school, like, "The sister I never had". FML

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By Koko - 7/4/2016 16:07 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my dog was so happy to see me that he laid down on his back and started pissing like a fountain. He pissed on everything around him, including me. FML

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By Hotdamn - 21/3/2016 04:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By emma209 - 24/1/2012 18:07 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 13:12 - Australia

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

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By Itchy Missy - 10/9/2014 03:38 - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2015 14:32 - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

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By WTF is all I ask - 27/7/2012 23:55 - United States - Mcallen

Today, I was at the mall, when I saw an elderly lady drop her groceries, so I rushed over to help her pick them up. She took one look at me, called me a "Liberal bastard," and shouted for me to get away from her before she called the cops. FML

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By hermit's life - 25/12/2016 07:11 - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

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By Noslo - 10/11/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By topfisherman - 5/2/2010 20:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have fun at school. So, we went into the locker room. We were making out for a couple minutes when the door opened. It was the principal, who also happens to be her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2014 19:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By rob - 10/12/2010 07:29

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 10:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

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By selfesteemboost - 27/1/2012 17:14 - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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By lameows - 4/4/2015 01:57 - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 23:02 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

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By toiletgirl - 14/12/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML

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By PandaSuicide - 1/7/2019 06:29

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

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By xMiSS_CuTiEx - 27/12/2010 22:25 - United States

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

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By Ali (New York) - 24/6/2011 03:01 - United States

Today, I dislocated my collarbone while trying remove my bra without taking off my shirt. FML

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By cap - 9/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Manhattan

Last trip

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

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By Headache - 1/3/2013 13:20 - United States

Today, the "Child Care and Development" class at my high school assigned all 50 students to carry a fake baby around school all day for a week. I can't even read a page of my notes without hearing a robotic crying noise. Today is the first day. FML

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By sammsamm56 - 16/1/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

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By yblamemebiatch - 16/3/2016 10:56 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

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By sarika - 24/7/2015 00:12 - United States - Appleton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, for my mom's birthday, we went camping. At night, my mom and her boyfriend decided to have "Birthday Sex" because they thought everyone was asleep. Trying to not make it awkward for me and my friend that I brought along, I kept still. Soon, I heard my friend going to town on herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2017 19:34

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML

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By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

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By Really? - 10/7/2010 14:57 - United States

Today, I lost my job because I was late. I was late because I had no alarm. I had no alarm because my roommate got mad and broke my phone when I beat her at scrabble. FML

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By Katrina641 - 26/2/2010 04:20 - France

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 19:20 - Ireland - Galway

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

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By KaRaSu - 22/11/2008 12:24 - France

Today, whilst doing it with my girlfriend she goes :"are you done any time soon?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:28 - United States - Galesburg

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

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By embarrassed - 20/12/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

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Top comments

By speshlk37 | 13

#3361910 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:25

Did that piss you off?

By Olivxr | 5

#3361897 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:23

That's so gross.

COMMENTS

By Olivxr | 5

#3361897 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:23

That's so gross.

Lanceeden | 12

#3361916 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:26

Maybe he just spilled his apple juice. ...that was warm.

Rico_Mal1116 | 0

#3361976 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:32

Don't worry at least it wasn't in your face.

enonymous | 8

#3362015 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:38

Looks like you found the leak. Charge him for changing his radiator coolant and call it a day

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3362108 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:51

Well how else was he going to have heated seats?

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3362316 - Thursday 29 September 2011 0:05

Same thing happened to me on the bus a while back. Ever since never been on a public one.

fromthesuck | 8

#3362938 - Thursday 29 September 2011 3:02

Yep. Private busses are a much better. Who provides your personal bus service?

iluvhobos | 5

#3363059 - Thursday 29 September 2011 3:55

:O it's a Poppy stain!! (:

neveragain234 | 1

#3363180 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:29

offer him apple juice that is really pee, that'll teach him

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#3363776 - Thursday 29 September 2011 8:37

At least it wasn't diarrhea

scrapmetal58 | 9

#3367788 - Friday 30 September 2011 6:17

Dude naw

By katsteak | 0

#3361899 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:24

Well atleast your butt was warm (:

katsteak | 0

#3361925 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:27

Sorry you cant delete that my uncle fails.

Boyaa | 3

#3362011 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:38

Boyaa !

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3362050 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:44

Ice cold ass? No money for a fancy car with heated seats? No problem, just piss your pants! It's the ghetto seat warmer.

fishing12345 | 2

#3362802 - Thursday 29 September 2011 2:14

Only 4 a little bit

DrewsFML | 8

#3363792 - Thursday 29 September 2011 8:45

Urine the hot seat now! No? Nevermind.

By speshlk37 | 13

#3361910 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:25

Did that piss you off?

ColtsDoug18 | 0

#3361967 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:31

nah, it must have pooped her off...

Lanceeden | 12

#3362229 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 23:35

what? ^

nitewlf12 | 10

#3363251 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:47

12- That was a shitty joke.

thaCODgod | 4

#3363619 - Thursday 29 September 2011 7:04

this is stupid.

By ColtsDoug18 | 0

#3361926 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:27

Hey, he's old. he would've jizzed if he was younger. Can't blame the poor guy

whatgoescomes | 5

#3362048 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:43

Umm not really

pepelittle9 | 0

#3362700 - Thursday 29 September 2011 1:37

Yes really :3

nitewlf12 | 10

#3363268 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:51

54- Is your username seriously "pepelittle?" And you're trying to talk about jizz? How ironic.

By windfuelsfire | 10

#3361928 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:27

He's into watersports, but with unconsenting random ppl like yourself!!

By drloves69 | 4

#3361931 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:28

So you where pretty pissed?

By ikickgingers | 15

#3361943 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:29

That depends...

By hannahcorrine | 0

#3361964 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:31

Thats extremely cute.

LaughinStock | 16

#3363334 - Thursday 29 September 2011 5:16

Um how?!?! 0.o

MissRoxiie | 12

#3363585 - Thursday 29 September 2011 6:44

Wtf?

By copy125 | 0

#3361974 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:32

Dude there's nothing to even say but F your life lol that sucks

By hannahcorrine | 0

#3361980 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:33