Love: Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought...

By Moeswifey - 24/10/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 343

You deserved it 4 518

Love

Sorry…

PMS PSA

Hope springs eternal

By baldintheback - 15/08/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 562

You deserved it 14 333

By Rizmo - 25/09/2016 07:11 - United States - Cedar City

Today, I found out that the loud noise outside my bedroom a few weeks ago was neighborhood kids throwing eggs at my window, landing on the AC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 440

You deserved it 717

By sadgirlhours - 26/08/2019 19:01 - United States - Gulfport

Today, I tried plugging in my Gatorade bottle with a charging cable instead of my phone. I couldn't tell if the reason was because I was high, or I'm just really that fucking stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 1 758

By Anonymous - 29/06/2012 22:46 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 904

You deserved it 18 431

By Anonymous - 22/01/2011 09:03 - United States

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 752

You deserved it 54 015

By Anonymous - 05/02/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 076

You deserved it 39 543

By FlowerPower - 20/07/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 776

You deserved it 18 258

By Prodigy - 11/02/2010 14:07 - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 181

You deserved it 7 903

By life_sucks - 16/01/2010 18:46 - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 964

You deserved it 7 500

By Cossack_Man - 25/08/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 798

You deserved it 11 673

By sadNsingle - 23/09/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister's wedding, because he didn't want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 456

You deserved it 796

By Derp-A-Herp - 27/05/2011 05:46 - United States

Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 630

You deserved it 55 196

By Anonymous - 26/02/2014 21:44 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 725

You deserved it 4 211

By Eleanor - 19/02/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 776

You deserved it 602

By Jeepers - 29/06/2009 14:30 - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 098

You deserved it 41 796

By captainfail - 14/07/2009 15:27 - Germany

Today, I applied for my first job. I didn't know how to write a resume, so I copied and pasted one from someone else and reworked it. I got on the bus, handed it in, and left. Then I remembered I forgot to change the contact info and date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 613

You deserved it 74 869

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 458

You deserved it 3 661

Let me Slytherin

By Wisconsin love - 13/12/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 885

You deserved it 10 934

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 891

You deserved it 5 600

By xHoho - 26/11/2013 05:50 - United States - West Fargo

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 223

You deserved it 8 684

By AmberKCole - 08/07/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 528

You deserved it 100 366

By lacsmac2 - 01/11/2015 14:10 - Australia

Today, there was a huge spider on my ceiling, so I grabbed a shoe to deal with it. Just as I jumped up to smush it, my idiot brother flicked the light off. I missed the spider, but it didn't miss my face as the impact caused it to fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 538

You deserved it 2 646

By itchtoscratch - 04/07/2016 04:14

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 815

You deserved it 3 066

By Never Again - 09/08/2016 18:17 - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 298

You deserved it 4 250

Man vs. Wild

By Marjo86 - 27/09/2019 20:00

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 915

You deserved it 93

By floggingnasty - 13/02/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 763

You deserved it 2 817

By wtf - 16/06/2016 06:02 - United States - Fairfield

Today, my best friend was walking next to her crush, so I pushed her into him gently as a joke. She ended up stepping on his foot, which caused him to fall and crack his head against the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 226

You deserved it 5 837

By N O - 27/05/2014 18:47 - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 323

You deserved it 6 933

By dummy441 - 21/04/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 751

You deserved it 68 083

We need a break

By pst - 21/11/2010 01:06 - South Africa

Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 635

You deserved it 59 081

It's toast

By Crying - 16/04/2017 02:00

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 710

You deserved it 355

By bumpyroad - 17/04/2011 14:29 - Australia

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 375

You deserved it 7 617

By Baegel - 02/03/2016 01:52 - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 830

You deserved it 2 352

By jumanji - 23/03/2015 23:19

Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 343

You deserved it 2 629

Paperback Writer

By AmatureLitCritic - 14/05/2012 07:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I found out that a family member found a publisher for his book; his badly written, terribly sourced, historically inaccurate book that insults and misrepresents most world cultures and religions. If this actually makes it to print, I'll never be able to use my maiden name again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 249

You deserved it 2 357

By Jbs4lf - 27/12/2011 03:15 - Belgium

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn't give him any cigarettes. I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 513

You deserved it 2 682

By thanksdad - 16/03/2014 19:28 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 747

You deserved it 6 267

By Anonymous - 23/05/2019 16:00

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 809

You deserved it 271

By Anonymous - 05/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 160

You deserved it 206

By nicrus - 15/09/2016 20:13 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 428

You deserved it 740

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Top comments

zetteymonsterxo 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:57

maybe he meant he didnt know you were in the kitchen with him?

sallen0046 4

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Monday 25 October 2010 1:32

Why would you assume he was making breakfast for you when there was only one plate? Next time, open your mouth and say hello before sitting down to be fed as though he were your servant.

zem5 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:53

lol ai am gaigantik doosher plz vote meh dwn i liek corn hawhaw

zem5 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:56

fuck you for editing my comment asshole!!

KaySL 24

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:20

Zern, are you from Texas by any chance? I only ask because the locals want you to get the holy fuck out. You're lowering the local average IQ level by about 20 points... to about, oh, 2?

KingDingALing 9

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Monday 25 October 2010 1:03

Tell him to suck you off.

korn247 5

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Monday 25 October 2010 1:28

bc you weren't suppose to spend the night...DUH!!

dreamering 16

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Monday 25 October 2010 2:11

Zem, don't smoke too much.

TyronetheOG 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 3:18

14 Nobody laughed. now somebody is gonna say "i laughed" or "i thought it was funny" just to troll me

mcxhunni 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 3:21

...and that wouldnt be gangsta.

TyronetheOG 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 3:39

hell naw it wouldn't

pippymiskers 4

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Monday 25 October 2010 4:38

i thought it was funny

mayumm 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 6:13

I moderated this! (:

Elixa 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 7:11

That's sad that spinning in a chair is your version of a "little fun". Fun is working your way up the corporate ladder, and after that incident, the only way your going to do that, is to walk in to your bosses office say you've been a very bad girl or boy and need a spanking.

babelini 12

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Monday 25 October 2010 7:39

#80, it's sad that u completely mixed up the FMLs.

Elixa 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 7:44

good one 83, very mature of you... good one.

babelini 12

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Monday 25 October 2010 7:58

u know it.

Elixa 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 7:59

I was being sarcastic you pig nosed whore.

babelini 12

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Monday 25 October 2010 8:07

same here. if u can dish sarcasm i thought u could see it coming? lol. why are u so mad at me? u said its sad for the previous OP his idea of fun is spinning in a chair and i'm just saying it like u said it, its sad u mixed up the FML. i mean, seriously, chill. u know u posted the same comment at the next FML post too right?

knibbsy 4

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Monday 25 October 2010 8:19

Guys stop. We are replying to comment #1. Therefore, we must talk about corn. Corn is good. Corn on the cob is better. Canned corn is worse. Cornholio is the best of them all.

Elixa 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 8:28

ok so I guess there was just a miscommunication on both of our parts then. Sorry I insulted you, and no I was unaware that I had mistaking posted it to another fml as well, which one is it?

Mauskau 35

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Monday 25 October 2010 13:27

What is cornholio :o (from the UK, don't hate)

SecureReflex 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 18:55

Woah, hey now 14, what's with all the Texas hating? Totally uncalled for. Texas is actually a pretty good state, and no we aren't a bunch of southern hicks, I attend a high school in Texas that is in the top 75 in the US. Though that may not mean much to you Brits...

machiko_fml 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:55

maybe you're not worth remembering.

iampunk 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:58

Right.

KaleidoscopePope 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 1:51

good point.

TheNinjaBuffalo 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 4:41

true

xsam4296x 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 5:15

maybe he ment he didn't know she was at the table. and why would you think that because he was making food, it was for you?haha

chloec16 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 11:47

maybe she shouldve made him a sandwich

buddy1660 3

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:56

that's a keeper

zetteymonsterxo 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:57

maybe he meant he didnt know you were in the kitchen with him?

ohthebloodygore 16

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:05

Better question: Why wouldn't she be in the kitchen?

Seddah 3

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Monday 25 October 2010 8:09

My thoughts exactly. High five!

1990TD 6

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Monday 25 October 2010 12:23

yup yup!

sweet_candy_ 17

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Sunday 24 October 2010 23:59

It's okay op he probably has bad memory.

ohthebloodygore 16

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:02

Or... she wasn't worth remembering.

anorexicbarbie 8

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:01

At least he's not cheating.

uwishucouldfyl 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 8:26

you birthday is three days be for min same year mine is 10/31 and yours is on my parent aniverery I was born three days after the wedding

xStiina 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:15

he's so sweet... ==

lgs25 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 9:32

he is cuz he can make bfast for you if he only remembered you

Hgielad_720 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:22

FTW. :D

bigbadtim 7

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:22

He probably thought that you were still sleeping.

imcutefml 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 3:22

or have memory loss

sourgirl101 28

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:25

I do love a guy that knows how to cook. It's a plus if they also made their bed. If he did, he'd found you sleeping there.

smr167 6

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Monday 25 October 2010 0:57

there's Saddam! right next to you! zing!

Selena_is_back 7

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Monday 25 October 2010 1:21

hi sourgirl!! (remember me?)

sourgirl101 28

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Monday 25 October 2010 1:38

Where have you been girlie? Taken a break from FML?(: and 27 it's always the ones with no picture that talk the most smack. That joke was funny the first 20 times I've heard it. Don't forget that my husband also looks like Dragon Ball Z's- Mr. (Hercule) Satan.