Today, I was in the middle of walking home when I saw an old... - FML

By JuniorDetective - 7/5/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of walking home when I saw an old woman trying to get away from what looked like a mugger. I go over and try to help her out and get the man off of her, which was successful. Turns out she was having a heart attack and the man was a doctor. FML

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Race against the clock

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Buzzing the tower

By Joe - 10/3/2009 00:26 - Canada

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

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By The Doc - 7/6/2016 22:41

Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML

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By jacked - 2/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

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By shrek - 2/5/2016 10:25 - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2011 11:47 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By ZombieGirl0417 - 30/9/2015 21:13 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 14:40 - Latvia

Today, my fiancée and I showed my mother-in-law a picture of the location at which we'll be holding our wedding reception. It's a beautiful waterfront building overlooking the ocean. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Looks like a good place to commit suicide." FML

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By - 16/1/2017 17:07

Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

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By zingle af - 26/7/2017 20:00

Erection for Protection

Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock solid erection. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2019 22:00

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

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By apologetic - 9/6/2014 14:27 - United States - Latonia

Today, I got yelled at by a customer while working at a bank call center. He was furious I apologized for a mistake that someone else had made. I again apologized for apologizing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2011 13:05 - United States

Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML

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By Nik - 23/1/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

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By Semius - 8/5/2019 05:00

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 17:35 - United States - Keuka Park

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

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By lover21 - 8/5/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML

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By uglyshoegirl - 8/3/2015 21:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

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By sandysmith - 18/2/2012 15:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

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By anonymous - 12/3/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I burned my butt on the heater when I tried to warm up after my shower. FML

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By romance sucks. - 18/12/2013 21:20 - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By DaoOfPow - 23/5/2015 07:51 - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2012 03:29 - United States

Today, my Dad and I killed a cockroach with a large metal pole. It was the most bonding experience we have ever had. FML

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By toolegittoquit - 18/1/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

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By Alex Kiwi - 2/4/2020 20:00

Preemptive strike

Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML

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By pandaface - 18/2/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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By Petitprof - 12/11/2010 18:23 - France

Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 07:18 - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my 8-year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number key-pad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

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By SHIT-BREATH - 5/6/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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By anonymous22kittylicklick - 20/8/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, I was at Target deciding what chap-stick to get when an old lady violently hit me with her umbrella and kept yelling at me saying, "You are too young for this! Think twice!" FML

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By maharaja - 6/8/2019 12:00

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:28 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

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By Eden - 14/7/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 07:24 - United States - Everett

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

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By OhNo - 2/3/2013 13:31 - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2016 09:46 - United States - Oakland

Today, I found out the real reason my dad bought a new car and generously gave me his old one. He knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it finally did. It blew out while I was driving at high speed on the motorway. Just my luck. FML

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By he's not the one going to hell - 12/9/2014 21:11 - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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By lonely - 4/4/2011 10:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I was excited about being set up on a blind date by one of my new co-workers. It turns out the guy she thought would be a "totally perfect match" for me is the ex who cheated on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2011 22:28 - United States

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

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By Sleepless - 3/2/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

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Top comments

By shmaller | 0

#177880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:03

So you nearly killed a woman trying to save her?

...Good job.

By Kalofinator | 0

#177871 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:01

Damn, that sucks. That's what you get for trying to be helpful.

COMMENTS

By Kalofinator | 0

#177871 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:01

Damn, that sucks. That's what you get for trying to be helpful.

Reply

f1ncher | 0

#2583346 - Sunday 29 May 2011 15:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Already_Dead | 15

#5893998 - Sunday 23 March 2014 21:06

F*** off creep.

By shmaller | 0

#177880 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:03

So you nearly killed a woman trying to save her?

...Good job.

By fighterx28 | 0

#177909 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:07

That sucks.

By ohhboyy | 0

#177919 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:09

ironic

By Brittanyy | 0

#177922 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:10

Why do so many people on here not use their brain?
It's not that hard to notice some things.

Reply

GrammarFailure | 0

#996920 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 17:46

Maybe he couldn't see the woman. The doctor should of least told him she was having a heart attack.

By Roddsy | 0

#177924 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:11

lol @ the OP's name: "JuniorDetective" =]

By rukusrazor | 0

#177954 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:16

Well, what are ya gonna do. Good for you on any account. (not being sarcastic)

By kisseshugsdrugs | 5

#177956 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:17

if only you were a fan of irony, you wouldnt have to post it online hahahaha idiot

By dkcc1988 | 0

#177964 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:18

Bet you feel like an asshole now. I sure would

By ihateyouall | 0

#177976 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:20

you're a complete motherlicking idiot. that'll teach you for sticking your nose in where its NOT BLOODY WANTED. gosh people like you drive me crazy with your trying to be a good bloody samaritan all the bloody time just leave over people alone if they want help they'll ask for it now go away.