Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening... - FML

By elle

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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Instadrama

Risky business

NRA fanboy

By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 20:00

Double-crossed

Today, I found out my husband wasn’t really “working from home” in the evenings. He locks himself in his office until the late hours of the night, having intimate Skype sessions with his coworker. That explains why our joint bank account hasn’t seen a direct deposit this past month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By QuestionMyLife - United States

Today, I walked into my bedroom and realized I really needed to clean it. As I started to pick everything up off of the floor, I tripped over a shoe, slipped on a water bottle, pulled down my shoe rack and landed in my armoire. My room is now dirtier than it was when I started. FML

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By callerid - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 19:57

It is what it is

Today, I drunkenly admitted to a friend of five years that I've "liked" her for a long time now. She's been in a relationship with some douche for a year and a half at this point. She started crying, and when she finally stopped said, "I can forget this ever happened." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small romantic venue. By that I mean I married my actual best mate while completely hammered at a drive-through wedding chapel. My fiancée is gonna kill me when she finds out. FML

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By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

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By alealovespurple - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

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By myself - Canada

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

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By Gimmie a spare - United States - Memphis

Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from school in the rain. When we got to my truck, I realized I had locked us out. We had to walk home in the rain, only to find the spare house key had not been put back in its spot since the last time it was used. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML

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By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By :(

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

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By scaryhairy - United States

Today, I accidentally cut myself with a razor blade on my toe. Not only does it sting really badly, but it reinforces the fact that I have abnormally hairy toes that need to be shaved. FML

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By chickenlover - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

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By Olz

Today, I received my 12-month diet plan from an online coach. It said, “Eat less calories lol.” I just lost £175. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 08:08

Bizarre Love Triangle

Today, after going down on me and dry humping me in bed, my boyfriend told me he was having second thoughts about me while I was away for a few days. Apparently, he spent time with my best friend who set us up. She asked him to hypothetically propose to her. FML

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By Tights2Tight - United States

Today, I was at the local theatre watching "The Nutcracker" ballet with my mother. When the prince made his appearance in his tights my mother leans over to me and says, "Those are some well defined butt cheeks!" loud enough for everyone around us to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By blondieforlife - United States - Racine

Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at my desk to a large package of SlimQuick packets. Guess my coworkers think I need to lose weight. FML

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By sniper foxeh

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

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By noeducation - Canada

Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By not a dick-man - Canada - Victoria

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

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By idiot - 28/6/2020 08:07

Double trouble

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

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By future burger flipper - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By Jack - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

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By Jukka

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

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By fucking pissants - United Kingdom

Today, I sold yet another £100 bottle of lotion to a stuck-up teenage fashionista with less brain-power than the yapping bastard of a dog she carried in her arms. She did nothing but brag the whole time about her jewelry, and openly mocked me for only making minimum wage. FML

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By go fish

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

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By CrawlingUnderARock

Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML

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By LonelyGuy - Australia

Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

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By thesockmancometh - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#2553326 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

At least it was only your yard and not your house. Now your grass will be nice and green.

By angelsara91 | 0

#2553324 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

crappy way to start a Monday.

COMMENTS

By dtg96 | 0

#2553319 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:04

Hahahahahaha

Reply

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2553343 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:08

That's not funny

By takanuva0123 | 0

#2553322 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

I thought you were talking about the tornado for a second there.

Reply

juicedboi | 7

#2553796 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:14

But I bet you had the best sleep of your life! Now get out the blow up mattress and float around your new backyard-sized pool.

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2554687 - Monday 23 May 2011 21:49

all the neighborhood kiddies will be jealous. you are now the coolest kid on the block OP.

By angelsara91 | 0

#2553324 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

crappy way to start a Monday.

Reply

L3Paparazzo | 7

#2553688 - Monday 23 May 2011 17:31

your grass is fucked

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2553698 - Monday 23 May 2011 17:34

You don't need something to make a Monday crappy; they're always crappy because everyone hates Mondays!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2553706 - Monday 23 May 2011 17:37

So are you, 33 ;) *click tongue*

Reply

Payniac | 11

#2555285 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:42

I hate Fridays though (Rebecca Black reference FTW!!!)

Reply

Bill3485 | 3

#2555553 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:34

55 - SOMEBODY doesn't get down on Friday...

Reply

fmyluff | 7

#5385119 - Wednesday 27 February 2013 3:57

Monday's aren't crappy because we hate them. We hate them because they're crappy.

By marinus_fml | 19

#2553326 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

At least it was only your yard and not your house. Now your grass will be nice and green.

Reply

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2553479 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:29

Or a soft overwatered brown...

Reply

cgchamp89 | 7

#2553546 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:49

or nice and green

Reply

iAmScrubs | 19

#2553809 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:16

Or a soft overwatered brown...

Reply

bigbadtim | 7

#2553832 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:25

or nice and green.

Reply

IHATETROLLSS | 0

#2553861 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:43

why make that your name like really its not like your really whiteboy..

Reply

Jenna_Tell_Yuh | 0

#2554043 - Monday 23 May 2011 19:22

way to ruin it

Reply

cgchamp89 | 7

#2554325 - Monday 23 May 2011 20:23

no kidding... or a nice green.

Reply

robotiick | 12

#2554747 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:04

or a overwatered soft brown

Reply

Texasgirl192238 | 0

#2555183 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:23

ewww^
haha

Reply

tomboy_girl23 | 0

#2556435 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:08

or a nice lushes green

Reply

Bizenghastly | 0

#2558734 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 20:56

or an overwatered brown

By Cr4zyd4wg | 0

#2553327 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

Hahahhaahha that happened to me like a week ago

By hctr | 0

#2553334 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:07

Why the hell is everything flooding?!

Reply

ihasbrains | 10

#2553394 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:14

RAPTURE 2011

prequel to the earthquakes

Reply

iemislayer | 10

#2556805 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 7:16

end of the world.... lol jk, we survived the rapture XD sooo now we wait for Obama to tax more to help..... wait a sec...... he won't help he'll just want our money and run, nvm, we screwed

Reply

Honda288 | 2

#3353726 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 5:07

2012 is starting! LOL JK

By cocobulla1 | 4

#2553344 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:08

lmao!!! did u not realize that the "peaceful" rain was not that peaceful? that it was flooding? it couldn't have been that peaceful if it was tht bad.....

By shakeTHEworld | 12

#2553360 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:09

Really? It didn't occur to check outside in the rain? Though I can understand where your going at, still, really?

By ihasbrains | 10

#2553377 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:12

How did it make you think it was raining? Wouldn't the windows be getting wet?

Reply

catatonicsleep | 17

#2554347 - Monday 23 May 2011 20:28

They were probably in bed with the blinds shut...

By folfin | 0

#2553389 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:14

well it's probably better that you enjoyed it. not like there's a whole lot you can do about a water main.