Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening... - FML

By elle

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Our house, in the middle of our street

Insurance fraud

By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

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By unemployed - El Salvador - San Salvador

Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML

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By Notthekeytosuccess

Today, I broke my key unlocking my dorm room. When I pushed the door open in frustration, the door opened with no problem. Turns out it was unlocked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waldorf

Today, my girlfriend found out you can use food coloring in anything. Everything she cooks is now in bright neon colors. I feel like I'm in a Dr Seuss book. FML

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By Arthur B.

Adapt, improvise, overcome

Today, I saw a spider in my kitchen. Freaked, but trying to be humane, I held out a piece of paper so it would climb on, and I would then put it outside. However, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to whack at where the spider was - my face. I stumbled around, disoriented; the spider got away. FML

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By Anonymous

He's a very naughty boy

Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

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By neverleavingthehouseagain - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

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By Machine - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

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By LucyLollipop

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By Abeille - Canada

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

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By highschoolnobody - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

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By me:( - United States - Romulus

Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By JH - United States

Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML

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By Anonymous

Every little helps

Today, I found out that my grandmother desecrated my grandfather's grave. 14 years after his death, she dug up his body and had him cremated so that she could sell his plot back to the cemetery for money. I was the one who found out so I had to tell the rest of the family. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By NotThePotty - United States - San Francisco

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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By minder97 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

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By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

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By Al - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By Badaboom - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

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By bshoemaker45601 - United States - Circleville

Today, I got a job at a casino where I was actually planning on spending my 21st birthday next month. After they hired me, they told me no employees are allowed to play or gamble on or off the clock, for as long as they are employed there, or termination will immediately follow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

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By cazorp - United States

Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML

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By bunnyluver4545 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

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By Alice - United States

Today, my manager came in and said "Hey Alice, great job closing so well last night. NOT." and walked off. When I heard the door shut, I said "And great job being a bitch, you cow." I heard my manager walking back towards me. She wasn't the one who left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

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By BreakingTheMood - Finland - Vanda

Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML

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By FMeeee - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By I hate nasty people - United States - South Bend

Today, my new roommate took a shower. This would be a good thing, except for the fact that it's apparently taken her two months just to take this one. I have to live with her for another year. FML

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By oopsie

Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out of the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

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By porcelainleigh - United States

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#2553326 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

At least it was only your yard and not your house. Now your grass will be nice and green.

By angelsara91 | 0

#2553324 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

crappy way to start a Monday.

COMMENTS

By dtg96 | 0

#2553319 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:04

Hahahahahaha

Reply

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2553343 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:08

That's not funny

By takanuva0123 | 0

#2553322 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

I thought you were talking about the tornado for a second there.

Reply

juicedboi | 7

#2553796 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:14

But I bet you had the best sleep of your life! Now get out the blow up mattress and float around your new backyard-sized pool.

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2554687 - Monday 23 May 2011 21:49

all the neighborhood kiddies will be jealous. you are now the coolest kid on the block OP.

By angelsara91 | 0

#2553324 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

crappy way to start a Monday.

Reply

L3Paparazzo | 7

#2553688 - Monday 23 May 2011 17:31

your grass is fucked

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2553698 - Monday 23 May 2011 17:34

You don't need something to make a Monday crappy; they're always crappy because everyone hates Mondays!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2553706 - Monday 23 May 2011 17:37

So are you, 33 ;) *click tongue*

Reply

Payniac | 11

#2555285 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:42

I hate Fridays though (Rebecca Black reference FTW!!!)

Reply

Bill3485 | 3

#2555553 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:34

55 - SOMEBODY doesn't get down on Friday...

Reply

fmyluff | 7

#5385119 - Wednesday 27 February 2013 3:57

Monday's aren't crappy because we hate them. We hate them because they're crappy.

By marinus_fml | 19

#2553326 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

At least it was only your yard and not your house. Now your grass will be nice and green.

Reply

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2553479 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:29

Or a soft overwatered brown...

Reply

cgchamp89 | 7

#2553546 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:49

or nice and green

Reply

iAmScrubs | 19

#2553809 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:16

Or a soft overwatered brown...

Reply

bigbadtim | 7

#2553832 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:25

or nice and green.

Reply

IHATETROLLSS | 0

#2553861 - Monday 23 May 2011 18:43

why make that your name like really its not like your really whiteboy..

Reply

Jenna_Tell_Yuh | 0

#2554043 - Monday 23 May 2011 19:22

way to ruin it

Reply

cgchamp89 | 7

#2554325 - Monday 23 May 2011 20:23

no kidding... or a nice green.

Reply

robotiick | 12

#2554747 - Monday 23 May 2011 22:04

or a overwatered soft brown

Reply

Texasgirl192238 | 0

#2555183 - Monday 23 May 2011 23:23

ewww^
haha

Reply

tomboy_girl23 | 0

#2556435 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:08

or a nice lushes green

Reply

Bizenghastly | 0

#2558734 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 20:56

or an overwatered brown

By Cr4zyd4wg | 0

#2553327 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:05

Hahahhaahha that happened to me like a week ago

By hctr | 0

#2553334 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:07

Why the hell is everything flooding?!

Reply

ihasbrains | 10

#2553394 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:14

RAPTURE 2011

prequel to the earthquakes

Reply

iemislayer | 10

#2556805 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 7:16

end of the world.... lol jk, we survived the rapture XD sooo now we wait for Obama to tax more to help..... wait a sec...... he won't help he'll just want our money and run, nvm, we screwed

Reply

Honda288 | 2

#3353726 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 5:07

2012 is starting! LOL JK

By cocobulla1 | 4

#2553344 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:08

lmao!!! did u not realize that the "peaceful" rain was not that peaceful? that it was flooding? it couldn't have been that peaceful if it was tht bad.....

By shakeTHEworld | 12

#2553360 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:09

Really? It didn't occur to check outside in the rain? Though I can understand where your going at, still, really?

By ihasbrains | 10

#2553377 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:12

How did it make you think it was raining? Wouldn't the windows be getting wet?

Reply

catatonicsleep | 17

#2554347 - Monday 23 May 2011 20:28

They were probably in bed with the blinds shut...

By folfin | 0

#2553389 - Monday 23 May 2011 16:14

well it's probably better that you enjoyed it. not like there's a whole lot you can do about a water main.