Kids: Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy... - FML

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 144

You deserved it 5 248

Commando

Keep your distance

Thanks, government

By GM38 - 23/06/2012 02:57 - United States - Melbourne

Today, I divorced my husband of 20 years. The only positive thing about my day was my pregnancy test. Yes, it was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 023

You deserved it 8 975

Mid-life crisis

By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 828

You deserved it 2 465

By ClutchJunkie - 05/12/2016 15:44

Today, my classic car that I've put hours of wrench time into burst into flames when I tried to start it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 068

You deserved it 1 180

By weddingblues - 30/05/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 511

You deserved it 23 581

By Anonymous - 16/08/2012 14:30 - United States - Fpo

Today, I ordered ramen to go. I looked at my order and discovered a cockroach. Disgusted, I showed it to them, and they apologized by "replacing" it for free. Later on, while I was enjoying the delicious food, I once again discovered a cockroach buried under all the noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 628

You deserved it 6 796

By SaltIsReal - 25/04/2017 00:00

Today, after winning the first set for school tennis championship, the losing side refused to shake hands with my team. We ended up getting disqualified from the championship by the referee for bad conduct, even though it wasn't our fault. We told the referee what happened, and he said, "Suck it up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 637

You deserved it 316

Man child

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02

Today, instead of being an adult, my husband was more hysterical than my daughter during a hissy fit. It makes me want to divorce him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 168

By shake666 - 04/12/2015 17:50 - United States - Fremont

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 059

You deserved it 13 052

By somuchforthat - 19/02/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 619

You deserved it 2 503

Spiritual connection

By EmoToyBoy - 30/04/2020 14:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 999

You deserved it 408

By Helen - 10/11/2012 10:15 - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 951

You deserved it 3 066

By StupidCar - 07/02/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I spent 600 dollars to have my brakes fixed on my car, they weren't squeaking. I got my car back and now the brakes squeal and my air conditioning won't work. I just spent 600 dollars to break my car even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 972

You deserved it 4 844

By KillMeNow - 18/10/2011 16:08 - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 761

You deserved it 73 973

By crier - 27/08/2013 18:34 - United States - Norfolk

Spicy

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 480

You deserved it 12 405

By Dom - 31/05/2019 12:00

Today, I proposed to the girl I have known for a while, since our Dads have worked together for 40 years. After I rang my Dad to tell him the good news, he told me that there was a position open at work, which had belonged to her Dad. My Dad had to fire him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 110

Abandoned

By Anonymous - 30/07/2015 06:56 - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out, "Hello" had turned into a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 593

You deserved it 2 328

Alas, poor Stuart

By ShouldIHelpIt - 18/05/2016 02:46 - United States - Northampton

Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 749

You deserved it 908

By screwed - 30/10/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 949

You deserved it 5 415

By evenmybodyhatesme - 15/05/2016 06:47 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 404

You deserved it 1 240

By help me - 16/03/2016 01:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 690

You deserved it 1 446

By damnedbydurberg - 22/11/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 755

You deserved it 3 365

By Busted - 31/12/2009 20:52 - Mexico

Today, I canceled my ATM card, because it had been lost. Then I found it. Then I found out I can't reactivate it, because I asked for a replacement card. I'm from CA, and I'm in Mexico with only 20 bucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 149

You deserved it 8 540

By Ricky - 17/08/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 384

You deserved it 42 741

Alas, poor Donatello

By randomsamm - 17/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 890

You deserved it 204

By NaniNarcotic - 16/08/2011 10:17 - Australia

Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 869

You deserved it 73 310

By Blurry - 30/09/2009 19:30 - Philippines

Today, I joined a small disaster relief group. I remarked to the big, long-haired person beside me that it was surprising that I was the only female in the group. I got a cold stare. Later I asked another volunteer about that person. He answered, "Oh, her? She's my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 208

You deserved it 38 919

By feelinblue - 23/06/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 120

You deserved it 4 489

Never? NEVER?!

By Anonymous - 01/05/2020 08:00

Today, I had a fight with my grandma again with whom I've been living for 4 years due to college hostel being below par. She blamed me for destroying her kitchen equipment by extensively cooking, especially at night. I've never placed a foot inside her kitchen since the beginning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 140

By shaving kit - 31/12/2012 10:17

Today, my workplace was having a raffle and was giving away a Venus shaving kit. A co-worker won, but instead of keeping it, she walked over and handed the basket to me in front of everyone, said "You need it more" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 904

You deserved it 6 508

By ositsranielle - 13/02/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 157

You deserved it 8 165

By jenjam - 05/07/2012 00:50

Today, I bought a home at a bargain. It will need 5 grand in repairs to fix plumbing and electric, but it's mine. When I pulled up the listing to show pictures to my friends, there was a new listing that was in the same neighborhood, and a larger, nicer house that is move in ready. Same price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 059

You deserved it 5 749

By e11ie - 27/09/2009 20:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 827

You deserved it 3 085

By Anonymous - 02/03/2012 08:30 - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 509

You deserved it 4 408

By Anonymous - 03/06/2019 06:33

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 708

You deserved it 238

By sincerely depressed. - 09/08/2012 21:42 - United States - Fremont

Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 815

You deserved it 40 334

By SchwesterGrimm - 19/06/2016 21:41

Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 277

You deserved it 947

By Garchomp - 09/07/2013 02:08 - United States - Dodge City

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 682

You deserved it 3 584

By Anonymous - 03/10/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 788

You deserved it 34 555

Weirdo cousin

By notyourbaby - 07/03/2021 19:58

Today, I found out my cousin stole my used pregnancy test and ultrasound pictures the last time she came to visit, and tried to fake a pregnancy. This was two years ago when she stayed at my house. I just found out I'm pregnant again, and guess who just asked to come to stay and "visit"? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 66

Public Freakout

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 15:01 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, my partner was driving. We were coming up to a sharp bend up a hill when suddenly a girl and a boy came speeding down the hill on a scooter. My partner stopped well before, but they fell off the kerb. We got out to check they were OK. The girl blamed us and kicked me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 72

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:37

He was thinkin with the small head...

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:38

Innovation. He's going places.

Comments

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:37

He was thinkin with the small head...

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:43

That's actually kind of awesome.

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:54

Whichever head he was thinking with it was fucking genius!

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:32

I give him points for creativity. That's hilarious!

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:36

Gonna lie... I wouldn't even ground him based on she sheer amount of epicness your son just executed

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:57

Yeah, what a dick!

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 0:19

Who else got a good laugh out of this?

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 0:27

The small head usually gets guys in trouble.

themarshal_fml 6

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 0:37

62 - Are you shitting me? So It's her fault her kid did this?

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 0:47

93. The smaller head usually gets me into something. Not always trouble, but it gets me in.

klovemachine 24

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 6:15

Awesome 104 :)

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 16:33

104 it's fun to get it in

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 23:27

Im with 18 on this one, thats kind of awesome!!!!

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:38

Innovation. He's going places.

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:42

Indeed. Bill Gates did the same exact thing.

flockz 19

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:47

hence the name Microsoft.

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:59

Microsoft uses processors made out of foreskin.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 0:46

Places like a jail cell?

Tezoma 28

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 5:19

102, I think it sounds like you're just upset because you know you could never come up with something as fantastically hilarious as OP's child.

crazytwinsmom 25

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 7:35

Creativity is highly valued in many professions.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 8:39

4 He's going places and pointing out the way.

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:39

This kid is awesome!!

onlychildFTW 33

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 3:45

I'm surprised anyone could see it. It's probably tiny.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 4:04

I wanna meet this kid.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 5:28

O.o

maronofhearts 19

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Wednesday 24 October 2012 0:44

Sounds like 160 is a little jealous. Being insecure is normal but attacking a kid you never met after they did something way more awesome than you ever did is going a bit too far to secure your manhood

Startled_Toenail 21

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Wednesday 6 July 2016 18:38

If he was underaged doesn't it count as distributing child pornography?

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:39

Using his head I see

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:49

I don't think the head is what he was using.

lostcrazydiamond 10

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:59

He was using his head- it was just the smaller one.

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:08

Nogood9 nerds to start using his actually head if he didn't get that joke.....

Futacy 29

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:08

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay smaller.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 0:34

#48 You need to use some actually grammar.

BlowinChronic 18

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 0:55

That's not a grammar issue, she simply typed something wrong. No big deal.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 1:41

Well, instead of needs, she typed nerds. That is an acceptable typo. However, instead of actual, she typed actually. I don't think that is a typo.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 18:07

And definitly NOT acceptable. SHE WILL BURN IN HELL Sarcasm used by the way

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:39

Actually it takes a penis

hotPinklipstick 24

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:40

That's either pure stupidity or pure genius. Most people wouldn't have the balls to do it.

MrBond007_fml 6

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:42

Even fewer people would have the dick.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 4:03

It'd depend on what kind of balls though, now wouldn't it?

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:40

I would have a hard time punishing him for that... It's hilarious!

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 8:37

By expelling him they are acknowledging that he can't top his feat. Now he has no need to. They have ensured his legacy.

Nordah 15

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:40

Make sure to let him know that not everything the Romans did was a good idea.

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:59

The Romans used a photocopier to make copies of their penis?

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:06

37: Nah. They had scribes for that.

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Monday 22 October 2012 23:26

They used to draw (etch) penises around their cities. It was a sign of prosperity, similar to a graffiti peace sign.

Nordah 15

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 2:24

They also used it (and at times, carvings of feet) to point towards the local brothels. Happened a lot in port cities.

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Tuesday 23 October 2012 3:41

She's implying that his friends at school (Rome) probably egged him on

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:41

A+ for creativity

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Monday 22 October 2012 22:41

It would have been awesome if he didn't get expelled.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 407

You deserved it 83

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 87