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Breakup protip

By Kalaina - 25/10/2009 04:36 - France

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message, which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

agreeclassic 37 568

vote type 1 2 537

By ReallyBro - 21/03/2012 07:27 - United States - Keller

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

agreeclassic 37 566

vote type 1 11 394

By Anonymous - 17/09/2010 06:57 - Australia

Today, whilst at my awards night, I got a boner, right as it was my turn to accept my award. To avoid a awkward situation, I flipped it up and under my belt. This failed to make the situation any less awkward, because the head of my penis poked out through my shirt, in plain view of the audience. FML

agreeclassic 37 565

vote type 1 43 390

dblac74 app_comment_confession_title

dblac74 0

Saturday 18 September 2010 0:49

Hey guys, im the OP lol. To clarify: Insanely hot chick next to me haha. Also I had a button up shirt, and initialy it was small enough not to matter, but the effin thing didnt stop growing haha. And for those who suggested it: No. Didnt get laid. Got a nickname at work though, "Jack in the box". ...once more for the record, FML.

By Username - 16/09/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

agreeclassic 37 565

vote type 1 3 396

By AplJax3 - 06/02/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, I hurt my back while exercising. I can't bend over or lift my arms above my head without intense pain. My husband, however, finds my situation hilarious and has moved everything I use frequently to either the floor or high shelf. He giggles every time I try to retrieve anything. FML

agreeclassic 37 563

vote type 1 4 004

AplJax3 app_comment_confession_title

AplJax3 2

Thursday 7 February 2013 3:13

Hey guys, OP here! While my husband is an ass, the reaching up and bending over for things lasted until I dropped a full bottle of water on his foot (accidentally on purpose). After that, he stopped laughing and gave me back rub. Since I am currently denying him sympathy for the tiny bruise on his pinky toe, I'd say we're about even.

By notsurprised - 01/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

agreeclassic 37 562

vote type 1 3 175

By Aaron - 01/12/2011 22:00

Today, my house was broken into. How? My mom left a key under a flower pot on the porch. She also left a note on the door saying so. He stole all of my guitars. FML

agreeclassic 37 555

vote type 1 2 754

Living my best life

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

agreeclassic 37 555

vote type 1 4 137

By Kath - 08/02/2009 13:55 - Poland

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

agreeclassic 37 550

vote type 1 15 500

By NoBabies - 09/11/2014 04:06 - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 37 548

vote type 1 5 012

By Anonymous - 10/06/2012 19:50 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

agreeclassic 37 548

vote type 1 2 554

Catering to idiots

By Anonymous - 27/03/2013 00:10 - United States - Pittsfield

Today, a man attempted to sue my business for giving him food poisoning. I make soap. When I called the cops on him for disturbing the peace, I was told, "Maybe next time you'll put 'not edible' on your label." FML

agreeclassic 37 547

vote type 1 3 754

By endure_survive - 15/12/2014 03:17 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I ate at Subway during my lunch hour. A group of teenage girls sat down at the table next to mine. They all shared good laugh about the "friendless, chubby chick" sitting near them, while attempting to discreetly point at me. FML

agreeclassic 37 545

vote type 1 3 081

endure_survive app_comment_confession_title

endure_survive 11

Monday 15 December 2014 10:22

Sweet onion chicken teriyaki And also, thanks everyone for the nice comments

Freaked out

By toazt - 10/10/2010 08:45 - United States

Today, after my marching band's performance, the girls had to change out of our uniforms in a very dark school bathroom. Someone turned on the lights and I realized that more than a dozen roaches had crawled into my skinny jeans. FML

agreeclassic 37 543

vote type 1 3 502

By anx133 - 16/01/2009 01:25 - China

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

agreeclassic 37 542

vote type 1 6 731

Who are you?

By forgotten - 02/10/2009 07:46 - United Kingdom

Today, being the nice grandchild that I am, I went to visit my grandmother. She didn't recognise who I was. I thought she was joking. She later called the police as, "Some weirdo had walked into her house." I'm that weirdo; she wasn't joking. FML

agreeclassic 37 535

vote type 1 2 856

By interphaseprophasemetaphase - 04/09/2013 11:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

agreeclassic 37 534

vote type 1 11 942

That went well

By not on life, that's for fucking sure - 25/10/2014 18:27 - United States

Today, I went to a big job interview. As I walked in, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Other highlights include my voice cracking multiple times, sweating profusely and getting uncontrollable nervous giggling. The interviewer eventually stared at me in disbelief and asked if I was high. FML

agreeclassic 37 532

vote type 1 5 118

By crudofalife - 04/07/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

agreeclassic 37 531

vote type 1 3 872

By fordn4h - 13/12/2010 05:32 - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

agreeclassic 37 531

vote type 1 5 189

By quietsleeper - 13/10/2009 11:07 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

agreeclassic 37 530

vote type 1 2 977

By Anonymous - 08/12/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

agreeclassic 37 529

vote type 1 4 680

Hangry

By ChelseaRae - 06/07/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

agreeclassic 37 527

vote type 1 5 575

By Username - 21/04/2011 13:55

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

agreeclassic 37 526

vote type 1 10 186

By 800z - 16/08/2011 06:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

agreeclassic 37 524

vote type 1 4 625

By Lonely - 18/03/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

agreeclassic 37 523

vote type 1 18 948

Baller move

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Tucson

Today, I got laid off. Walking out of the building, I saw someone on crutches and thought, "Hey, at least I can still walk." Two hours later, I blew out my knee playing basketball. FML

agreeclassic 37 522

vote type 1 8 315

In a rush

By Crappy - 11/04/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

agreeclassic 37 521

vote type 1 2 997

By maggotsinmycarpet - 12/07/2010 20:56 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

agreeclassic 37 520

vote type 1 5 123

By Anonymous - 24/09/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

agreeclassic 37 515

vote type 1 6 524

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

agreeclassic 31 317

vote type 1 6 268

Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML

agreeclassic 14 825

vote type 1 770

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

agreeclassic 43 924

vote type 1 10 697

Today, my patient had her call bell on. When I went to see what she needed, she replied that she was very itchy and could not reach to scratch the itch. I basically got called in to scratch my patient's crotch. FML

agreeclassic 26 001

vote type 1 2 625

Today, while using my phone camera as a mirror, I managed to broadcast a Facebook Live video of myself applying haemorrhoid cream to my asshole. FML

agreeclassic 773

vote type 1 1 273

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

agreeclassic 24 407

vote type 1 6 851