Love: Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep.... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 82

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 112

13/10/2009 11:07

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 401

You deserved it 2 949

Mama's boy

Good kid

Vulture

13/07/2011 04:43

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 207

You deserved it 7 031

24/06/2011 22:11

Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 205

You deserved it 3 915

16/10/2012 21:44

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 909

You deserved it 1 655

01/06/2009 19:07

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 060

You deserved it 4 029

Denied

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 00:01

Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 732

You deserved it 428

11/04/2015 07:56

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 170

You deserved it 18 530

Excuses, excuses

By skj - 29/05/2021 11:01

Today, I asked my mom why the lamp in the living room wasn’t working. She immediately plugged it in, it worked, and she called me a complete idiot. I haven’t slept in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 293

You deserved it 924

14/02/2013 07:59

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 427

You deserved it 8 829

15/06/2016 17:53

Today, a strong storm knocked the power out at our office. I was dismissed five hours early, had my desk locked up and was walking toward the doors to leave when the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 832

You deserved it 1 002

21/09/2011 17:20

Spicy

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 192

You deserved it 8 791

25/01/2011 14:10

Spicy

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 055

You deserved it 3 023

09/01/2013 23:55

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 354

You deserved it 6 291

10/01/2010 17:36

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. He went to play golf with my dad later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 573

You deserved it 3 526

13/06/2015 11:45

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 399

You deserved it 2 060

04/11/2009 05:05

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 179

You deserved it 2 687

15/08/2009 18:51

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 523

You deserved it 56 266

30/01/2018 06:00

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 279

You deserved it 506

26/01/2011 00:54

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 803

You deserved it 4 124

12/02/2010 20:19

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 505

You deserved it 2 695

04/04/2016 22:46

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 723

You deserved it 7 321

07/03/2015 15:58

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 456

You deserved it 2 514

01/06/2010 09:49

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 104

You deserved it 4 938

A cashier's life

By amy - 16/10/2013 21:52

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 717

You deserved it 3 960

28/01/2013 04:48

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 515

You deserved it 3 300

Nepotism rules

By InnocenceBlue - 01/08/2019 14:00

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 113

Irony on base level

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 11:01

Today, my boyfriend has been grumpy for days, because his essay on society's fixation with performance, winning awards and getting good grades got a somewhat disappointing grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 77

20/09/2011 17:53

Today, six years after hurricane Katrina took everything from me, I received a letter in the mail from FEMA telling me that I have to repay them the money I received to replace what was lost. I have 30 days to repay $4,900 or the case will be sent into federal debt collection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 807

You deserved it 4 091

24/02/2009 19:21

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 928

You deserved it 50 138

26/07/2009 04:29

Today, I was romantically cuddling with my boyfriend. He looked deep into my eyes, stared lovingly at me, and said, "I never noticed, but you have the most adorable freckles on your face..." Blushing, I tilted my head to the side. He then said, "Oh, never mind, those are just your blackheads." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 667

You deserved it 7 125

24/06/2019 14:12

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally call her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 689

You deserved it 3 050

28/05/2014 16:28

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 573

You deserved it 30 790

Who are you?

By Boyufd - 19/06/2021 00:01

Today, it was my birthday. Also today, same as the past five years, my family forgot my mine and threw a party for my 5-year-old twin sisters who I share a birthday with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 74

Mr. Nice Guy

By kate9871 - 04/10/2019 02:00

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 309

05/02/2011 16:13

Today, I woke up with a migrane, so I took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day. The pill made me dizzy and nauseous, so I took a motion-sickness pill. That pill gave me a migrane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 843

You deserved it 5 460

01/05/2013 16:13

Spicy

Today, I was getting ready, when I heard my dad in the shower. He was singing along to the song "The Wheel in the Sky" by Journey. Except he'd changed the lyrics and was singing, "The dick on this guy needs a rubbin'." It turns out my mom was in the shower with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 267

You deserved it 5 548

Dumbass

By SpookyBiscuits - 27/12/2016 16:27

Today, my boss wants to sort people in his contact list by last name, so I showed him how to switch the sorting from first to last. He tried to correct it by writing the first name in the last name spot and vise versa. Now he wants me to go through and change them all back. All 200+ of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 799

You deserved it 496

30/04/2013 07:54

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 583

You deserved it 5 666

21/03/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 353

You deserved it 252

Wokescolds arise!

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 19:59

Today, my ex-boyfriend who is now transitioning to female, called me transphobic for dumping them, and now most of my 'friends' hate me and I've garnered an awful reputation because of it. I guess they 'forgot' I broke up with them because they cheated on me, and also forgot the fact that I myself am trans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 198

You deserved it 202

11/11/2009 12:21

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 845

You deserved it 4 117

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Top comments

jmcow 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:17

Sucks man. fyl. You're ex-wife wanted the whole bed to herself. But at least you have a girlfriend now.

allmightyspiff 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:12

Actually snoring can be caused by stress, so maybe thats the problem? http://www.etipsguide.com/snoring-and-stress.html

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Bag3l 0

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Saturday 12 June 2010 14:48

yep

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Saturday 10 September 2011 10:32

yea same here my bf snores so loud I can hear him in the next room over and my fatherinlaw from the other side of the house and his room is next to ours : ppl ask me how I even get sleep with their snoring to OP I think your ex wife didn't like sleeping with you o.o or sone thing idk

Nonamerequired 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:07

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AndreaHatesYou1 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 17:08

Wow. You're really that stupid? He didn't snore, that's why it's an FML (even though it really isn't, that's why OP thinks it is). 'Cause she was lying to come up with a reason to get him out of the bed. People on here really are incredibly stupid.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 20:23

Yeah, but who gives a shit? He's not married to her anymore. He's with someone who is honest with him now. Not an FML

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 21:25

oh i get it! before i read #20 i was like 'huh....? ._.'

mystomachurts 3

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 22:02

Normally I would've written a comment exactly like #20's .... but it also could be that his new girlfriend is a very heavy sleeper (which I happen to be) Because I have never been bothered by guy's snoring ever cause I never hear it? So his new gf might just not be aware of it?

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Friday 16 October 2009 0:41

You are "here" too are you stupid too? Doesn't it mean your girlfriend don't want to make you feel bad because your snoring or she didn't even sleep with you, like... you know what I mean.

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Saturday 17 October 2009 9:21

#53 pwned you.

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Monday 19 October 2009 5:06

My exact thoughts..

PainInTheAsss 16

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Thursday 7 July 2016 20:27

You're really just missing the point.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:09

this is an FML because his wife made him sleep on the couch for other reasons, since he obviously doesn't snore.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:26

So?he's not married to her anymore..you have a new gf.. Stop bitchin

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:54

all I can say is... IQ dropped 10 points. Read a book, get smarter, and read this again, maybe you'll understand why this is an FML.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 21:36

I wouldn't say it's an FML, though... Damn the "FML's" Aren't funny anymore

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Wednesday 14 October 2009 5:51

Oh Fuck you!!

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Wednesday 13 April 2011 2:38

actually this is an FML. read it again.

allmightyspiff 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:12

Actually snoring can be caused by stress, so maybe thats the problem? http://www.etipsguide.com/snoring-and-stress.html

jmcow 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:17

Sucks man. fyl. You're ex-wife wanted the whole bed to herself. But at least you have a girlfriend now.

iamverybored0001 0

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Friday 16 December 2011 3:56

Maybe it wasnt to herself...

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Sunday 7 October 2012 1:07

She probably had guys sneaking in :s damn op, right under your nose

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:17

it's slack. cos if she didn't want to be in the same bed with him she should have slept on the bloody couch. but. perhaps you did actually used to snore. it is a possibility. even so, it was slack to make you sleep on the couch. she could have used earplugs or something...

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:39

A "slack"?

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:20

as was previously stated. how is this an FML? consider yourself lucky. previous wife sounds pretty f'd. this one sounds more like a keeper.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 18:18

Just 'cause she say's he doesn't snore makes her a keeper? Man, talk about low standards.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:22

It's clear it was just passive aggressiveness from the ex-wife. But, this is hardly FML. It's not exactly a giant leap of imagination to think that your ex-wife was doing these things and it's only a small part of what was happening. Now you found out she was lying and you don't snore. That's good news, surely.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 16:26

it's an fml because his ex-wife lied to him to make his ass sleep on the couch. another fml that weeds at the idiots.

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 17:08

The correct phrase would be "weeding out the idiots" ... idiot.