Love: Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally... - FML

By Sl3vin - 19/01/2010 14:17 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 367

You deserved it 6 829

The I in LGBTQA+

Transference

Crossword anxiety

Heist

By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/05/2018 20:30

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 298

You deserved it 188

By Anonymous - 05/12/2015 05:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 421

You deserved it 6 494

By lonely - 05/02/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 523

You deserved it 3 249

By tracelee - 03/03/2009 09:22 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 461

You deserved it 13 205

By anonymouss - 21/09/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 043

You deserved it 45 222

By Magaña.i.am - 16/04/2019 16:00

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 514

Bigmouth strikes again

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 08:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 1 079

Coach Class

By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 1 932

By Fenny - 27/02/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 370

You deserved it 74 446

By anonymous - 17/05/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 734

You deserved it 28 341

Great surprise

By Deployed - 07/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 593

You deserved it 175

By Shitsuo01 - 30/12/2016 01:56 - United States - Douglasville

Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 325

You deserved it 365

Can you hear me, Dave?

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 175

By whipplewhip - 30/06/2013 04:21 - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 373

You deserved it 3 595

By gazza - 26/05/2012 20:41 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 369

You deserved it 1 740

By PO'd big bro - 13/01/2015 01:11 - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 937

You deserved it 2 260

By hnickell93 - 10/12/2012 18:37 - United States - Visalia

Spicy

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 741

You deserved it 12 779

Wrong number

By Hth - 08/11/2008 01:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, for the 25th time, some Indian dude called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 552

You deserved it 9 714

By Anonymous - 10/02/2016 15:32 - United States - Wexford

Today, my aunt informed me that my dad thinks my boyfriend is a loser deadbeat because he hasn't proposed to me after two years of dating and co-habitation. He hasn't asked because I already made it very clear I have no interest in marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 290

You deserved it 4 833

By Anonymous - 16/06/2017 16:00

Today, my mum rejected my friend request on Facebook, again. Even my high school friends are friends with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 331

You deserved it 557

By ydahs - 08/05/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 708

You deserved it 19 567

By hatesgravity - 02/09/2010 11:40 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 901

You deserved it 25 550

By Anonymous - 07/01/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, I got diarrhea while on a trip with my daughters. At our third stop, I had to sit in the stall listening to my 5 year-old informing everyone who came in that "mommy is stopping at EVERY bathroom to poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 777

You deserved it 3 403

By Mr. King - 16/03/2016 08:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 862

You deserved it 1 796

By Anon - 27/02/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 642

You deserved it 2 927

By noworkformeplease - 09/03/2017 16:00

Today, I had to call out of work because I was ill, but they didn't believe me because today was the day I was supposed to come back from vacation. Now I'm stuck at work, constantly running to the bathroom, and they still won't let me go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 204

You deserved it 366

By nycol - 17/02/2012 14:13 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 914

You deserved it 5 345

By hahatofunny - 13/09/2016 19:54 - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 928

You deserved it 2 055

By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick - 26/07/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 393

You deserved it 2 547

By facebook - 24/06/2010 10:09 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend "accidentally" set her relationship status to "single", and 20 of my friends "liked" it, including my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 943

You deserved it 4 965

By Anonymous - 12/06/2015 05:35 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 500

You deserved it 2 126

By Noname - 03/02/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 847

You deserved it 2 906

By MovingOut - 16/01/2015 01:21 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 970

You deserved it 2 484

By fuckit - 23/07/2016 06:52 - United States - American Fork

Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went over and helped her up. Instead of thanking me, she called me a pervert and slapped me around with her cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 085

You deserved it 1 184

By Cùchulainn - 10/01/2009 03:23 - France

Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 991

You deserved it 9 479

By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 17:59 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 864

You deserved it 701

By 16isntsweet - 20/08/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 864

You deserved it 6 034

By Annabelle - 05/07/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 131

You deserved it 3 187

Fundies say the darndest things

By Anonymous - 08/03/2020 02:04 - United States - Houston

Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 212

By xXxXxTOBIxX - 22/07/2013 11:49 - United States - Raleigh

Today, while relaxing in a chair in a shop, a man approached me and said, "You have no idea how many times I've farted in that chair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 592

You deserved it 4 571

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:10

Were you thinking date rape?

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:38

Eh. I went on a few dates with a guy who kept asking me out for future dates, but not making any moves. I wasn't sure if he was interested, but if not, why keep asking me out? End of the fourth date, I made a (small) move. End of fifth date, I made a bigger move, and then he took over from there. Now we're married, and I still tease him for letting me make the first physical moves, but he says he'd made moves with previous dates who seemed to think it inappropriate, so he decided to just let the woman decide when she's ready.

Comments

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:05

atleast it wasn't an ass beating he didn't give you.

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Wednesday 20 January 2010 2:09

YDI for not appreciating a guy who won't one-night-stand you.

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Wednesday 20 January 2010 4:55

Isnt that the exact same situation in the movie 40 days and 40 nights? I call bs on this one.

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Wednesday 20 January 2010 6:11

Solution: INITIATE some physical interaction.

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Monday 26 July 2010 4:28

Agreed. My husband didn't even try to hold my hand until we had been dating about two weeks. Physical contact isn't everything, and you can't know if you're going to last forever if this is only your third date.

etphonehome10 0

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Sunday 20 November 2011 17:55

number 168 husband? you have a cat as your picture, husband? yeah right!

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:08

That is so sexy. I see the beginnings of a porno coming together. The climax will be when the muslim woman lowers her hijab and reveals her nose.

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Wednesday 20 January 2010 20:55

and what this have to do with any thing else ...???????? u religious racial

llScarlFacell 0

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Wednesday 2 June 2010 4:50

2, fuckers like you always start this kind of shit over the net cuz you're pussies. Why would you bring any type of religious/racial type of comment into this. Go fuck yourself ho and try not to offend people you pansy.

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Monday 11 October 2010 6:10

haha lol so true

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Sunday 20 March 2011 19:48

and then an amish person lifts her pants to show her legs

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Monday 29 August 2011 11:48

Bitch I'm a female Muslim and that wasn't funny. How would you like it if I said something about your culture? I won't because I ain't a fucked up little ass clown. Have an awesome day :)

perdix 29

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:10

Were you thinking date rape?

Princesscandy 4

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Tuesday 4 October 2011 8:39

Sexy

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:10

Better than a punch.

relyo 0

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:11

And mabey by the fifth date he'll come out of the closet.

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Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:00

HILARIOUS, maybe he is gay !

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Wednesday 20 January 2010 4:47

I once went on 3 dates with a guy at theend of the 3rd date he says I gotta tell you something... I was frusterated to say the least and blurted out "don't tell me you're gay" He said "no, I'm not gay but I'm kinda sorta getting married in 3 days... is that a problem for you?"

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Thursday 8 July 2010 7:57

says the queer with a snowman on his double chin....

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:12

oy vey that didn't get you off?! lol awe

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:13

bahahaha!

flgirlwguitar 2

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:16

Either he's asexual, he's not that into you or you need to communicate better.

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 23:00

If sex is /that/ important to you in a relationship (I'm assuming that you don't just want to f*ck this guy) then you should really upfront about it. Some people are strong asexual or deeply religious (or gay and trying to fake heterosexuality) - and you could spend a lot of time tryin' to get some and end up not gettin' any.

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 23:06

He may also find you hideous and unf*ckable. That's also something to consider.

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Wednesday 20 January 2010 1:37

He is goin on a date dude.

Chopperman_fml 0

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:19

Your L is A.

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 20:19

are you sure he knows these are dates, and not just friends hanging out with mixed signals?

spoo 24

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Monday 25 January 2010 22:50

nope nope, people do this for real: http://learnfrommyfail.com/2010/01/05/fail-stories-princecharming/ sorry to post a link, I just found the connection funny

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 9

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 159