Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
headinabag33 tells us more.
Hey...OP here. So in this theatre there are two curtains. The second one (more up stage, away from the audience) has been broken. So we just open both curtains, since the second one never opens. We perform in front of it and it's no big deal. We get some great lighting off it really, and once we had someone stand back there and shake it and looked cool. Someone fixed the second curtain without telling us. The actors were having sex behind the "broken" curtain and it opened. No one told them to stop because they were quiet, and no one wants to tell people to quit having sex... So anyway, there it is.
Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML
Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said, "Not in a million years, fat ass!" before I could say it was from someone else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I loved her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML
Today, I recieved a message on MySpace from a cute guy I've been talking to for a while. It read, "I saw a girl in Old Navy at the mall last night that looked a lot like you, but she was much fatter." I was in Old Navy at the mall last night. FML
Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML
Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML
Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML
Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML
Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML
Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said, "I know." FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML
Today, I didn't mind paying a little bit extra for my manicure because I forgot how nice it was to have someone hold your hand. Even if it was an old Asian lady. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML
Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML
Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML
Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML
Today, I noticed that my sweat smelled like cat food. FML
Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML
Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML
Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML
Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML
Today, I fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour. Someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iPhone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby. FML
Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML
Today, I dyed a friend's hair dark brown. She assured me I didn't need gloves as the dye would wash off. It didn't. My shift as a server is in an hour and it looks like I've been working in a tire shop my whole life. Goodbye tips, hello angry customers not wanting me anywhere near their food. FML
EliTheAdorable tells us more.
All of you who gave me things to say to customers, they were hilarious! Also, I'd like to explain a little bit. The reason she didn't have any gloves for me to wear is because the hair dye she bought didn't come in a box. It was two metal tubes of the stuff in a bag, that was it! I knew better but let her talk me into it anyway. It's definitely my fault, I take full responsibility because I've dyed hair before (mine, mainly) and I know what it can do and if she had told me about it any sooner, I would have brought my own gloves. Oh well, just another funny story to tell. As for work, I went up to the restaurant (I don't live more than 2 miles away) showed my manager my hands and explained the situation. He laughed about and was understanding. Luckily, someone was able to cover my shift, I just needed to clean my hands ASAP! Thank you for all of the suggestions on how to get it off! They're returning to their normal shade of porcelain white (which makes it even more obvious) but I'm definitely going to speed up the process! Sorry for the long comment!
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