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The all-time greatest FMLs

Caught wet-handed

By Anonymous - 23/10/2015 20:10 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going." She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 313

You deserved it 2 498

By stargirl - 19/07/2011 00:36 - Canada

Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 312

You deserved it 13 164

By dragonmirado - 25/01/2012 06:23 - China

Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 7 700

dragonmirado tells us more.

dragonmirado 12

Friday 27 January 2012 12:16

I thought it was blond for boys and blonde for girls. Like you wouldn't call a brown haired boy a brunette!

Getting on

By MoRuined - 09/10/2014 10:27 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 3 885

By Anonymous - 12/11/2013 23:56 - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 3 274

Jumping the gun

By Storm - 23/09/2011 03:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 5 953

By Anonymous - 03/02/2015 18:23 - United States - Cheyenne

Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 2 917

By Not Homeless - 06/03/2015 01:38 - United States - Montclair

Today, as I was riding my bike home from school, I saw a homeless man sitting on a bench. I was about to walk up to him and give him money, but before I could do anything my mother walked up and kissed him. My mom is dating this guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 310

You deserved it 3 392

By Anonymous - 21/09/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 308

You deserved it 6 581

Forever alone

By 20singleandproudish - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 308

You deserved it 3 836

By Sarah - 26/01/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 307

You deserved it 2 484

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 307

You deserved it 7 681

By anditburnsburnsburns - 27/08/2013 18:13 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 304

You deserved it 20 794

Heartbreak Hotel

By pixiegirl - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that the "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 303

You deserved it 6 894

By Seriously - 15/06/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 302

You deserved it 8 492

By pinocchio - 24/06/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 301

You deserved it 8 210

By ohgosh... - 18/11/2014 03:10 - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 301

You deserved it 2 777

By jc2011 - 25/09/2011 07:23 - Australia

Today, after months of grueling training and countless early mornings, I finally began the race I had been preparing for over the past year, only to slip and break my leg in the first 450 meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 300

You deserved it 3 053

By Anonymous - 11/09/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 300

You deserved it 3 076

Red flag

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 297

You deserved it 3 736

Just a prank, bro!

By ilovemymomma - 26/05/2012 07:15 - United States - Hereford

Today, my friends switched my mom and my girlfriend's numbers in my phone. I sexted my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 295

You deserved it 10 344

By bowler99 - 12/01/2015 16:43 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 293

You deserved it 15 158

Spotted

By papergirl - 24/04/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant. I was coming right from work and brought a change of clothes with me. I parked in an empty corner of the parking lot to change. As I was pulling my pants up, I noticed that I was facing an apartment complex where an old guy was watching me from his balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 287

You deserved it 19 636

By D - 09/09/2011 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 286

You deserved it 4 849

By Noname - 13/02/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 284

You deserved it 3 687

By ginny - 10/09/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 278

You deserved it 8 259

Shoot your shot

By scewable - 13/10/2011 07:19 - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 278

You deserved it 10 121

By SoClose - 03/04/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 275

You deserved it 11 370

#1 Mom

By whoopsboutthecap - 15/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 275

You deserved it 3 775

Thanks!

By RiceSickle - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 274

You deserved it 4 165

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The Top

Today, I went to the airport with my mom, who requested a wheelchair for me, since I have a broken leg. I'm 24. Embarrassed, I insisted I push myself around, instead of an airline assistant doing it. A few seconds later, I crash into the same airline assistant, who then falls back into my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 132

You deserved it 29 826

Today, I faced my fear of needles and had my wisdom teeth extracted while awake. On the last tooth, I heard a loud crack. The root broke off in my jawbone and had to be drilled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 96

Today, I went to check on my 2 year-old daughter in her playroom, since she was being awfully quiet. I walk in to see her finger painting with her own feces on her kiddie table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 303

Today, I took a test to see if I may have avoidant personality disorder, and if I do, how strong those traits are, as expressed by a percentage based on your answers. I got an 82% when I lied on a few questions, and a 93% when I was completely honest. I think I'd be forgiven for self diagnosing myself here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 244

You deserved it 607

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 810

You deserved it 3 739

Today, I was on a bus traveling from Denver to San Francisco with my boyfriend. We hoping to see some amazing sights and escape from stress. However, the bus breaking down in the middle of the desert and being forced to stay in a ratty motel was neither an amazing sight, nor stress relieving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 424

You deserved it 395