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By bettercallpeta - 15/02/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

agreeclassic 39 107

vote type 1 11 158

By MissDQ - 02/12/2013 13:47 - Australia - Perth

Today, I dyed my hair. And my forehead. And my ears. And my arms. And my hands. FML

agreeclassic 39 107

vote type 1 24 892

MissDQ app_comment_confession_title

MissDQ 12

Monday 2 December 2013 23:39

I've been dying my hair since I was 14, so know what I'm doing. I just now live in a tiny house with a tiny bathroom and my hair is just shy of my butt. I usually use a mirror to make sure I'm ok, but because of the length of my hair I have to do it upside down over the bathtub. It got on my arms while doing the main body of my hair, ears and forehead are a no brainier and I had a couple of spots drip down the gloves while I was doing the ends. I managed to get it off my face thankfully because I had to go out in public. The box said to use a wet towel with shampoo on it when you rinse it out, which I did and it didn't seem to be working so I attacked my face with exfoliating gloves and it did the job. I've now got to work out how to scrub the purple off the vanity and in the bathtub. I do wipe it straight away but it stains right away too. It's a super dark mahogany since I have to use 2 bottles. Looks blackish in the shade and red in the sun. Came out far better than I expected and I've never gone dark before so it's a nice change. Adds to the 'new me' thing I've got going.

By huj - 25/09/2010 21:49 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

agreeclassic 39 101

vote type 1 4 318

IDANÄS IVAR d'you go?

By Nicole - 03/04/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

agreeclassic 39 101

vote type 1 13 006

Incoming!

By mvgirl - 22/10/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of nowhere. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look! We hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

agreeclassic 39 095

vote type 1 5 602

By anonymous - 19/02/2011 13:12 - United States

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

agreeclassic 39 093

vote type 1 7 407

Terrorized

By Whoopsie - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML

agreeclassic 39 093

vote type 1 11 404

Assholes

By NoRespect - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

agreeclassic 39 091

vote type 1 3 329

By Anonymous - 24/08/2014 20:45 - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

agreeclassic 39 090

vote type 1 4 554

By moon_paw - 28/11/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year-old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

agreeclassic 39 088

vote type 1 10 644

By berryjones11024 - 14/09/2014 14:35 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I found my son trying to comb his hair with scissors. He's the same kid who thought that if he ate toothpaste, he would never have to brush his teeth again. FML

agreeclassic 39 086

vote type 1 5 375

berryjones11024 app_comment_confession_title

berryjones11024 17

Monday 15 September 2014 4:23

Hello the OP here, in case you are wondering my son is 14, this what makes this bad. I had a talk with him about combing his hair with scissors, he said that since it had an edge he thought it would work just fine. He's not hurt in any way but if he was to hurt himself, I would have told him to figure it out. The eating toothpaste is a whole different story, I didn't know the purpose and he didn't know the purpose. I don't think he knew that toothpaste is poisonous if you ate it. Anybody want to adopt a kid?

By faye - 14/02/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

agreeclassic 39 085

vote type 1 6 025

By Hannah - 21/12/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

agreeclassic 39 085

vote type 1 7 912

By stainseverywhere - 01/02/2012 07:11 - United States

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

agreeclassic 39 084

vote type 1 6 318

By wowhoopla - 11/01/2010 01:10 - France

Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML

agreeclassic 39 083

vote type 1 3 684

wowhoopla app_comment_confession_title

wowhoopla 0

Wednesday 13 January 2010 5:09

well if u all must know hat happened I showed him we had Betty crocker chipsahoy and Oreo but he insistead on having them all. And all I could day was I'm going to be cookie broke so he decided to share some... and so i had cookies with some random drunk who broke into my house. can't day I've done that before...