Today, my daughter believed that watching the Big Bang Theory would count as studying for her chemistry final. FML
Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML
Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML
Today, I was asked to help my sister clean her room. The moment I opened the door, I was greeted by her screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW" with a full mouth. She then spat the Skittles into my face. FML
Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML
ughno tells us more.
ughno 0
wow this has just turned into a bug argument over who's state it better hahaha
Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML
Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML
Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML
Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML
Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML
Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I would be ecstatic if he hadn't stuck the ring on his balls and asked for a blow-job. He even confessed that the original plan was to stick it on his penis but it was too small. FML
Angel1000168 tells us more.
Angel1000168 16
Ok, guys, OP here. In answer to all the questions/statements about which was smaller, it was the ring. Sorry for not making that clear. And he didn't stink the ring around his balls, he sticky-taped it. My fingers are not that big. Sorry about not making that clear either but the limited words made that tricky. I said no, of course, as I don't want a man that thinks I have that sort of mind or personality. I have gone through every aspect of my relationship with that man and haven't found anything that suggested that I wanted to be proposed to in that manner. Thanks for all your advice!
Today, I spent most of the day doing a project for school. When I finished, I got a call from my project partner. She couldn't finish her part because her internet didn't work. When I finally finished everything, I went on Facebook. She was on Facebook too. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I are on camping vacation. On my way out of the tent, I stepped in a pile of shit. When I told him, he said, "Oh, I couldn't make it to the bathroom last night." The bathroom was a minute walk from our tent. FML
justash12 tells us more.
justash12 10
OP here following up with some details! I can not get the image of him crouching in front of the tent and taking a shit out of my head! Yes, it was a shitty situation. No, I haven't dumped him. Shoes were on! We were at a public campground, down the shore. The bathrooms have toilets, showers, sinks, and TP.
Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML
Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML
Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML
Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML
Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML
Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML
Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML
Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML
Today, I finally unfriended my roommate's mom on Facebook after months of her commenting on my wall multiple times a day and basically stalking me. After discovering this, she drove to our apartment to demand through hysterical tears that my roommate move out because I can't be trusted. FML
nomomsonfacebook tells us more.
Hi all, I'm the OP. I didn't have an account when I posted this so I created one to respond to some comments. First off, my roommate is my friend from college. We both go to grad school at the same school so we moved in together after graduation. I had never met her mom before we moved in & only accepted her facebook friendship a few months ago because she wanted me to help her plan a birthday surprise for her daughter. I quickly realized she really did it to spy on her daughter/me when she posted things like "where are you guys?" "what are you up to tonight?" "where was this pic taken?" literally multiple time a day. At first I thought it was funny but it became increasingly worrying recently until I decided I felt too uncomfortable & unfriended her. Within five hours she was wailing in my kitchen about how horrible I am & trying to pack my roommate's things to move her out. My roommate was mortified & told her she was being irrational & she left in a huff & hasn't spoken to her daughter since. Thanks for all the funny posts, made the situation much lighter. Now I'm just glad my mom doesn't have facebook!
Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML
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