Animals: Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying...

By Anonymous - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

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Animals

Understandable

BO Central

Keep the peace

By thisisavirus.exe - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

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By Wife - United States

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

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By helen_ - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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65227

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By broke

Today, my work informed me that they didn't process my pay in time, so I won't get paid until the end of next month. I have less than £10 to last me until then. FML

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By chellegbelle - United States - Graham

Today, I found out my neighbor collects body-bags. FML

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By JSeth - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

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By kalvin - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, during a driving lesson, I stopped behind a taxi, and got more and more annoyed when the traffic wouldn't move. A few minutes later, my instructor couldn't hold his laughter any more and pointed out I'd somehow zoned out and entered a taxi rank. FML

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By sohungry - India

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

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By lostlove - United States

Today, I was trying to find my first message on Facebook. When I was reaching the bottom, I saw a message from my old crush. It contained a paragraph confessing her love for me and asking me to write back. Don't know how I missed that one. FML

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By MichiganExile - United States

Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML

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By gmd05 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

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By Yeppets - United States - Roscoe

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

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By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

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35556

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By idiot says "you raised him" - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

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57087

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By Craig - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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29184

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By Robert

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

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6648

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By ouch

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

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By probably single - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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31898

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By idk - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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25912

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By uuuuugh - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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By why? - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

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By FUCK GOD - Argentina - Salta

Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML

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45624

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By Rosie

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

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By HopelessGRLF

Today, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating site, and he asked if we could meet up and what we should do. When I suggested ice-skating he told me he was in a wheelchair, so I said we could go for a walk instead. I realised my mistake the moment I sent the message. FML

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8028

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It was also the first time he'd ever had sex. How could I tell? He cried all the way through, and called his parents right after. FML

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By seekerglow176 - United States - Natick

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about butt fucking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By msjustine - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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By Eh.. - Israel

Today I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles at smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number and she said "nah" still haunts me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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By thatswhatsup66 - United States - Greer

Today, I was at a restaurant, and I saw my friend. When we made eye contact, I made a creepy face at her and twitched my arms to make her laugh. A woman looked over said sadly, "Oh my God, that poor girl!" She thought I was "special." FML

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By leonuniz - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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Top comments

By xthetisx | 0

#2257461 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:14

He must be cute, because he's deffinitly not smart

By roseydot | 0

#2257478 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:15

Guess facing your fears was a load of crap in this case. FYL

COMMENTS

By SpicyGrass | 0

#2257456 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:13

Kill the snake and make a coat out of it.

Jakub89 | 0

#2257545 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:27

That makes no sense, make a belt out of it sounds better.

CRrawsum | 7

#2257578 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:40

Or boots!

valri3 | 0

#2257613 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:50

"Snakes in a house" New movie.

Suekoff16 | 3

#2257652 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:11

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE IN MY MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE!!!!

BellyDancinCheer | 0

#2257659 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:13

justt kill itt

rciccone | 0

#2257740 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:45

I love snakes <3

ugliness | 6

#2257756 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:50

kill it with fire!
jk call your local animal shelter, they will have a 'unusual' animal section or know a shelter that can retrieve and home the snake

skyeyez9 | 24

#2257761 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:55

Maybe a coat for a barbie doll.

rawyak | 4

#2257801 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:03

use as a whip/rope like pecos bill

franniedottp | 8

#2257971 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:28

83- *deep, grumbly, epic/scary voice*
lets...
KILL IT...
with...
FIRE!!!!

kofinater | 3

#2258034 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:36

I've had it with these monkey fighting snakes in this Monday to Friday house

Katie_the_Great | 6

#2258254 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:07

79 how can you like snakes? they are so nasty!

prenticehill | 4

#2258395 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:25

They ARE pretty amazing.

Katie_the_Great | 6

#2258446 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:35

no no, they are not.

seanders | 10

#2258698 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:18

Snakes rule send it my way

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2258704 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:21

well, if u had grabbed that long thing, you guys wouldn't be in this mess. instead, you'd find comfort in handling his slippery Pete.

tomtom88_fml | 0

#2258904 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:56

win

poxgff | 1

#2259251 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 4:43

win.

vgameson | 0

#2259290 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 4:53

93's photo looks like a drawing of 106

DonnieBoy14 | 0

#2261271 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 14:30

yeah a belt

lifeguardd | 0

#2574097 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:26

ur hottttt lool

reptileguy1296 | 0

#3310559 - Monday 19 September 2011 7:52

Typically the people that say they are disgusting haven't held a snake before and know almost nothing about them. Please realize they want nothing to do with you and prefer to be left alone. They are not out to get you.

GoatInABag | 14

#5941857 - Monday 12 May 2014 0:00

You are retard #112

By xthetisx | 0

#2257461 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:14

He must be cute, because he's deffinitly not smart

born_hustla | 26

#2257508 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:21

got a point there..lol

jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2257557 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:30

Lmao definnitteeelllyy hha

Poepiepiesie | 3

#2257692 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:24

Yeeaaahhh wen ur not smart.ur always cutteweee <3 <3<3

persianjr | 15

#2257708 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:27

Can't we be both?

SirEBC | 7

#2257755 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:50

Yeah, just look at me.

anakaren_831 | 1

#2258104 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:47

82 needs a mirror.

SirEBC | 7

#2258275 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:10

ZING.

m00sh | 0

#2258914 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:58

pahahahahaha

Kilroy15 | 0

#2261077 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 13:14

LOUD NOISES

pinpat | 2

#2686760 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 16:19

hahahahaha at the sometime????

SiraSiemens | 21

#6633916 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 14:36

if a man ever said "i only date women who are either cute or smart" there'd be hell to pay xD

By cupcake10101 | 0

#2257467 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:16

call an exterminater

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2257667 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:16

That's ridiculous..

Call Harry Potter, he'll talk it out of your house.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2258075 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:42

haha nice #53

Katie_the_Great | 6

#2258291 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:11

98 haha that piggy is so cute!

ChibiGirl5 | 0

#2259781 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 6:20

hahaha yeaaa

By tarahl1 | 0

#2257470 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:17

sorry but that made me lol

florecitabetch | 0

#2257580 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:36

same over here

loski87 | 4

#2257693 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:24

me too

popcynical | 4

#2258833 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:43

indeed

By cherryblossom94 | 0

#2257476 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:15

ehm the french FML are definitely better writed and funnier...

ASHLEYbcddd | 0

#2257496 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:20

lol sorry 3 thats not going to you

ASHLEYbcddd | 0

#2257503 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:18

well read the French fml If you wanna sit here and bitch. Duh.

By roseydot | 0

#2257478 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:15

Guess facing your fears was a load of crap in this case. FYL

Alex94xela | 0

#2258503 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:47

stfu pain or I'll susano'o ur ass
and lol at op

JojoChuo | 8

#2264833 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 3:09

Just make sure yo close your leg whilst you sleep OP D:

By shibainu519 | 0

#2257480 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:19

*slither*

toddlesscott | 0

#2257759 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:54

klonopin_ftw | 0

#2258246 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:07

*hissing noise* "I'm a snaaaaaaaayke. I'm a snaaaaaayke."

By KILLME321 | 0

#2257493 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:19

Oh my God I love snakes but I dont think I would want one crawling around my house n I had no idea where it is.... F ur life n ur bfs! If u catch it dont kill it........

ugliness | 6

#2257763 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:56

agreed, I hate when people even consider killing due to fear

By creatingApast | 11

#2257501 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:20

Horrible Monday! I would be freaking out as well. Good luck capturing it! Maybe Animal Control will help.

By lexeous | 4

#2257510 - Monday 28 March 2011 23:19

Snakes are nothing to be afraid of.. unless they're huge and/or venemous/constrictors.