Animals: Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying... - FML

28/03/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 685

You deserved it 6 857

Commando

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mr Commitment

30/01/2012 15:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 208

You deserved it 4 157

Somebody's watching me

By ugh - 08/06/2012 04:35 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 254

You deserved it 9 175

22/02/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 377

You deserved it 76 335

You never know

By Saraaah - 19/12/2020 02:01

Today, I'm on a long car trip with a friend who makes fun of my pee breaks every 45 minutes. "Well, are you incontinent? You should wear diapers, otherwise we'll never reach our destination!" What she doesn't know : I have bladder issues, and even if I try not to use them, I do wear diapers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 225

You deserved it 96

17/10/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 053

You deserved it 182

07/01/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend that I still love sent me a text, quote "I still love you, but i'm not IN love with you" Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 520

You deserved it 3 595

21/07/2009 08:49 - United States

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 601

You deserved it 3 509

04/03/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 745

You deserved it 7 625

04/02/2013 07:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 454

You deserved it 15 496

15/08/2019 06:00

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 527

You deserved it 257

17/09/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 948

You deserved it 2 547

23/09/2011 08:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 984

You deserved it 3 202

Dumbass

By whyyyy - 17/06/2020 05:05

Today, my daughter shaved her head in solidarity for a friend who went bald from cancer. Normally this would be an amazing gesture. Unfortunately, her “friend” is a fictional character from a book she’s reading. My daughter had almost 24-inch long hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 594

You deserved it 413

26/06/2016 12:22 - Australia - West End

Spicy

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 388

You deserved it 5 441

01/04/2015 17:46 - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 205

You deserved it 11 496

19/01/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 379

You deserved it 10 178

25/02/2011 12:17 - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 787

You deserved it 5 502

18/06/2013 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 314

You deserved it 7 053

05/07/2016 06:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 375

You deserved it 937

03/03/2017 02:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had to go to New Hampshire for a few days for her grandma's funeral. Later I found out she spent over $1,000 dollars (on our joint account) to take a vacation with the man she was cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 361

You deserved it 700

Supply and demand

By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:02 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I spotted my dad watching a wildlife/nature video. I pointed out to him that the animal on the screen was critically endangered; he rebutted by telling me that it's impossible for the animal on the screen to go extinct because people keep hunting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 76

Fight Club Penguin

By mama bear - 05/06/2020 20:00

Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 883

You deserved it 186

Morning conversation

By Anonymous - 15/03/2021 08:01

Today, I went into the bathroom only to discover my dad on the pot. “Oh, sorry”, I say and turn to leave. His reply, “Oh I don’t mind. Just having a shit here.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 153

17/08/2018 20:30

Today, it's my first day of high school. It's also my first day of a three-day in-school suspension. The reason? I sat next to a girl and she immediately got up and told the teacher that she didn't "feel safe". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 837

You deserved it 200

27/08/2012 07:29 - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 392

You deserved it 10 175

10/09/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 283

You deserved it 2 618

24/11/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 526

You deserved it 3 953

23/09/2014 12:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 028

You deserved it 3 437

Priorities

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 13:01 - United States - Floral Park

Today, my mother flipped out that I spent $20 on a gift for myself for my birthday. Instead of getting a gift for me, she spent $300 on a new vacuum cleaner, and claims that we didn't have enough left in our budget to spend on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 101

21/12/2009 12:13 - France

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who isn't me, because her siblings and cousins don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 572

You deserved it 3 075

23/08/2013 06:23 - United States

Today, I was walking home when I made eye contact with some guy, just being friendly. He then started rapping to me while pointing at his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 023

You deserved it 4 622

Unprofessional

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, a licensed child psychologist with 20 years of experience threw my son out after his first appointment, with the immortal line, “You must be taking the piss, there’s a church in town, you’re gonna need their help more than mine.” He’s probably right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 125

20/10/2014 08:50 - Norway - Bergen

Today, I was skating in the city when I slipped and fractured my arm. As I was lying in pain, a guy walked up to me, frisked my pocket and took my wallet. He then said: "It's nothing personal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 268

You deserved it 3 431

Narcissism

By during - 19/05/2010 12:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 290

You deserved it 7 303

07/01/2009 20:17 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 034

You deserved it 41 726

17/08/2016 15:18 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 482

You deserved it 1 134

18/01/2009 04:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 396

You deserved it 2 040

20/05/2011 08:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 178

You deserved it 16 515

Cat litter day

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 14:01

Today, I found out my new neighbour tried to report me as a terrorist for, "speaking terrorist language and moving bags of that explosive fertiliser." I’m Japanese, and the bags were mostly rotting vegetables and animal dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 64

15/08/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

Spicy

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 868

You deserved it 4 308

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Top comments

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:14

He must be cute, because he's deffinitly not smart

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:15

Guess facing your fears was a load of crap in this case. FYL

Comments

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:13

Kill the snake and make a coat out of it.

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:27

That makes no sense, make a belt out of it sounds better.

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:40

Or boots!

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:50

"Snakes in a house" New movie.

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:11

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE IN MY MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE!!!!

BellyDancinCheer 0

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:13

justt kill itt

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:45

I love snakes <3

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:50

kill it with fire! jk call your local animal shelter, they will have a 'unusual' animal section or know a shelter that can retrieve and home the snake

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:55

Maybe a coat for a barbie doll.

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:03

use as a whip/rope like pecos bill

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:28

83- *deep, grumbly, epic/scary voice* lets... KILL IT... with... FIRE!!!!

kofinater 3

Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:36

I've had it with these monkey fighting snakes in this Monday to Friday house

Katie_the_Great 6

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:07

79 how can you like snakes? they are so nasty!

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:25

They ARE pretty amazing.

Katie_the_Great 6

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:35

no no, they are not.

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:18

Snakes rule send it my way

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:21

well, if u had grabbed that long thing, you guys wouldn't be in this mess. instead, you'd find comfort in handling his slippery Pete.

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:56

win

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 4:43

win.

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 4:53

93's photo looks like a drawing of 106

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 14:30

yeah a belt

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Friday 27 May 2011 17:26

ur hottttt lool

reptileguy1296 0

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Monday 19 September 2011 7:52

Typically the people that say they are disgusting haven't held a snake before and know almost nothing about them. Please realize they want nothing to do with you and prefer to be left alone. They are not out to get you.

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Monday 12 May 2014 0:00

You are retard #112

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:14

He must be cute, because he's deffinitly not smart

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:21

got a point there..lol

jrsgreenfire257 0

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:30

Lmao definnitteeelllyy hha

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:24

Yeeaaahhh wen ur not smart.ur always cutteweee <3 <3<3

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:27

Can't we be both?

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:50

Yeah, just look at me.

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:47

82 needs a mirror.

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:10

ZING.

m00sh 0

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:58

pahahahahaha

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 13:14

LOUD NOISES

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 16:19

hahahahaha at the sometime????

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Wednesday 22 June 2016 14:36

if a man ever said "i only date women who are either cute or smart" there'd be hell to pay xD

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:16

call an exterminater

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:16

That's ridiculous.. Call Harry Potter, he'll talk it out of your house.

xoxoMEGANxoxo 13

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 1:42

haha nice #53

Katie_the_Great 6

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:11

98 haha that piggy is so cute!

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 6:20

hahaha yeaaa

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:17

sorry but that made me lol

florecitabetch 0

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:36

same over here

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:24

me too

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 3:43

indeed

cherryblossom94 0

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:15

ehm the french FML are definitely better writed and funnier...

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:20

lol sorry 3 thats not going to you

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:18

well read the French fml If you wanna sit here and bitch. Duh.

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:15

Guess facing your fears was a load of crap in this case. FYL

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:47

stfu pain or I'll susano'o ur ass and lol at op

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Wednesday 30 March 2011 3:09

Just make sure yo close your leg whilst you sleep OP D:

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:19

*slither*

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:54

like

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:07

*hissing noise* "I'm a snaaaaaaaayke. I'm a snaaaaaayke."

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:19

Oh my God I love snakes but I dont think I would want one crawling around my house n I had no idea where it is.... F ur life n ur bfs! If u catch it dont kill it........

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Tuesday 29 March 2011 0:56

agreed, I hate when people even consider killing due to fear

creatingApast 11

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:20

Horrible Monday! I would be freaking out as well. Good luck capturing it! Maybe Animal Control will help.

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Monday 28 March 2011 23:19

Snakes are nothing to be afraid of.. unless they're huge and/or venemous/constrictors.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 338

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 69