Today, after my girlfriend played a prank on me a few days ago, I thought she’d be a good sport about me playing one back. Turns out she’s not a good sport. I’m now single, with black bruises on my ribs. I think one might even be broken. FML
Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML
Today, I waited months for a specialist doctor’s appointment, only to find out that it's the same guy I already saw for the same problem years ago, who was at his wit's end after seeing nothing wrong on the x-ray, and had no clue as to what might be causing my pain. FML
Today, I was talking with my slightly skinflint girlfriend, who just moved in with me. “I think you should pay more bills than me, since you’re taller, you eat more, drink more and your clothes take up more space in the washing machine”. FML
Today, I have come to the conclusion that my fiancé is the most selfish person I know. I can't talk to him about it, because the conversation will just turn on how I'm the worst person he knows. I don't know what to do. FML
Today, my husband found out that not only has he tested positive for influenza A, but also has tested positive for Covid 19. My work won't let me return until I have isolated for 14 days from someone with Covid. Our house is really small. FML
Today, I found a piece of a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth. I haven't eaten popcorn in over a week and a half. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making the bed, at 2 AM. And he wasn't so much making the bed as he was holding a pillow while lost in thought, looking at me. FML
Today, my dad forced me to leave my empty shopping cart in the middle of a store, rather than return it to the corral. My dad’s word is law, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole I am. FML
Today, at my little cousin’s birthday party, some spoilt child played a prank and placed chocolate cake on my seat just as I was about to sit. Let’s just say of all the days, today was a bad day to wear cream trousers and park the car quite a way away from the venue. FML
Today, I had no money on me, so I asked my husband to put money in the cancer charity box for me. He grumbled about it, then realised he only had £10 notes, so he gave them a tenner but asked the lady if she could break open the sealed box to give him £9 in change. FML
Today, I realised my step-kids never really thought of me as their dad, given that since their mother died 7 months ago, they haven’t visited me once, don’t respond to texts, or answer when I phone them. I’ve been totally abandoned by them, even though I’ve been their stepdad over 25 years. FML
Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML
Today, I can’t even find a place to rent. Every place has dozens of applications, with several offering well over asking price. I just graduated from college. FML
Today, I met up with a couple I know, who wanted to introduce me to someone. I thought they were setting me up with her, but no. They were coming out as polyamorous, and she was their new girlfriend. FML
Today, instead of my boyfriend calling me 'his Kit Kat' like he normally does, he called me his 'Kit Kat Chunky.' When I asked him why, he said it's because I'm now 20% chunkier. FML
Today, I didn't get to sleep until 5 a.m., as I stayed up to finish off a big project that I have been working on for the past week. I was then woken up at 6 a.m. by my daughter saying she was ready for school. School starts at 9 a.m., and is a 2-minute drive away. I'm now at work, living off an hour of sleep and coffee. FML
Today, my dad's car door was frozen shut. As he was in a hurry, he asked me to force it open. When I did so, the door slammed into his back. hard. Now he can barely walk, even with a walker, but he needs to walk in order for it to improve, or else he may become wheelchair-bound for the rest of his life. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I had a shift at my job at a grocery store that was full of rude and impatient customers. Someone dropped a bottle of wine and it shattered next to me. I found a half-eaten packet of sushi behind some magazines. The scale on another register broke. "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette played on the store radio at the end. FML
Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML
Today, I paid for earrings at a craft fair. A kid came up from behind and started crying. The kid's mom said the kid saw earrings first and dropped them to grab an adult. The kid was allowed to cry hysterically until the hall went silent. I said, “You can have it.” Suddenly, the kid stops crying and the mom goes, “Oh that’s so kind, are you sure?” FML
Today, I realised the recruiter for the Navy lied to me. This shit ain't fun. FML
Today, the guy I was dating for over a year would only perform oral on me and never sex. I couldn’t figure out why. We grinded a few times. I got pregnant but couldn’t figure out how, because I didn’t have sex. Apparently his penis, hard, is the size of my pinkie. We were having sex, I just never felt it. FML
Today, I took my date to a restaurant but I had no idea how picky of an eater she is. Our waiter had to practically use 3 pages in his notebook just to write down all her special requests for this single meal. By the end, I could see he really wanted to ask if she was being serious or taking the piss. FML
Today, I was in the Walmart parking lot listening to some music in my car and some lady comes up to me and say, “Boy, the music you listen to is so unholy, I think you need some Jesus in your life.” FML
Today, my thick-as-pig shit mother, who is both religious and almost illiterate, went through my room and threw away anything she thought would be immoral. She threw away Moby Dick because of the word Dick, yet ignored 50 Shades of Grey, because that’s how thick and ignorant she is. FML
Today, I stayed home from work because I'd had diarrhea for 24 hours and my gut felt horrible. I decided to at least enjoy some sun on my back porch in my swing chair. I stepped on an old board and my leg fell through to the knee, I couldn't move, and I was home alone. My neighbor cut the board that got me out. FML
Today, my 9 year-old managed to break the padlock on my display cabinet, take out my entire sword collection, run to the garden making lightsaber noises, and bash them on trees and a stone wall. They are ruined. One of them has a crack that has damn near snapped it in two. I want to weep. FML
Today, I had an extremely great day, to the point that I actually forgot for a moment that I suffer from depression. When I remembered, I became inexplicably sad, as usual. FML
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