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The all-time greatest FMLs

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 17:01

Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 123

You deserved it 420

Nutters Inc.

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 17:00

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 123

You deserved it 185

The future is bleak

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 10:00

Today, I just bought my own house after divorcing my wife of 30 years. We'd been childless by her choice, and as I stood in my new living room, looking at the emptiness, I couldn’t help the feeling I just bought a 2-storey, £125,000 coffin that I’ll one day die alone and be buried in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 123

You deserved it 325

By A bit cowardly? - 19/05/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked his friend to propose to me for him, because he was too nervous to do it himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 122

You deserved it 263

Promoted!

By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/09/2019 16:00

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 122

You deserved it 168

Death Grips

By Anonymous - 03/03/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 122

You deserved it 412

Anger management

By stumpy - 31/07/2019 18:00

Today, we were running late because my hair got tangled in the curtains. My mother-in-law got so angry, she hacked at it, leaving me with a bald patch, then went and sat in the car as though we were still going anywhere with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 119

You deserved it 206

By Salzburg - 06/05/2019 12:00

Today, my sister and I got a room in the attic of an old hotel, while our parents got a room several floors down. We discovered the room was full of bugs. Our parents didn't believe us, so we brought them some as proof. They told us to get over it. We can't sleep. We've killed 50 and counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 119

You deserved it 200

Oh, hai Mark!

By Erika - 05/05/2019 14:00

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on campus. Upset, I decided to go to McDonald's to eat my painful memories away. While in the drive-thru line, I realized my ex was right in front of me. It looked like I'd followed him all the way from campus. He thinks I'm a stalker now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 119

You deserved it 462

By UpAllNight - 09/02/2019 13:00 - Palestinian Territory

Spicy

Today, I had to sleep at my in-laws' house. My in-laws' bedroom is directly above the one we’re sleeping in. For the last 20 minutes, all I can hear is the bed going, “Thud, thud, thud.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 119

You deserved it 308

By SSS - 14/02/2019 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my brother put a sign on my car saying, "No baby on board, feel free to drive into me." Somebody did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 118

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 08/05/2019 23:00

Today, my husband argued that it's not cheating if he's using his brother's Facebook account to talk to other women, because they think it's him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 161

Serves no purpose

By I need cuddles - 26/08/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 116

You deserved it 367

By Dying Son - 05/04/2019 12:00

Today, as I was sitting on a bench thinking about an upcoming test, some hysterical woman slapped me out of nowhere because she thought I was staring at her ass. I was staring blankly into the void. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 116

You deserved it 195

Just love!

By Anonymous - 23/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 116

You deserved it 545

After sleepover

By carriageway - 31/01/2020 01:00 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 116

You deserved it 198

Trust

By Anonymous - 28/06/2020 23:02

Today, my husband's grandmother told me in confidence that he was diagnosed with psychopathy as a child, so in all likelihood my husband isn’t actually capable of feeling love for me. I’m just a useful tool to make him seem normal so doctors and therapists leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 114

You deserved it 196

Beach body

By Ohhh the pain - 28/04/2019 04:00

Today, after a night of vomiting and diarrhea, my family forced me to our beach house for the night. I packed my bag and my mum said she put my bag in the car. We get there where we realize she forgot to put my bag in the car. Not a big deal I thought. Five minutes later I shat and vomited myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 114

You deserved it 241

Sweet summer child

By Anonymous - 06/06/2022 05:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has so many hang ups about being good at sex that when we actually had sex for the first time this morning, he got upset that I was touching my clit while he was inside me. Apparently it was a sign I think he’s bad at it, and had to do it myself. Neither of us orgasmed today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 287

I mean, technically you can still do it…

By Anonymous - 09/09/2022 00:30

Spicy

Today, I had been looking forward to sex all day, got home, got my husband's engine running, got naked on top of him, violently sneezed at his new aftershave, and started my period all over his balls. We were centimetres away from sex and now have to wait 3 to 7 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 459

Poisoned chalice

By Anonymous - 27/04/2020 08:00

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 463

By Christopher Tobler - 26/04/2019 20:00 - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 458

Laundry day

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 23:45

Today, my 12 year-old brother tried doing laundry for the first time and ruined all my clothes with bleach. When my dad drove him to Walmart to buy replacement clothes for me, he bought me tighty whities. We both have worn boxers our whole lives. My dad won't return them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 356

What's the time, please?

By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/01/2020 01:00

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 288

Everyone's an expert

By yaa - 17/04/2020 17:00

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 180

By :-O - 14/04/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 223

Nice try, dumbasses

By ILoveYouDad! - 08/04/2023 13:47

Today, I got a call from my Dad's number. Turns out, a scammer was spoofing him. Also, my dad's been dead since July this year from esophageal cancer. Way to rub it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 110

You deserved it 167

FullMetalJackass99 tells us more.

FullMetalJackass99 6

Saturday 8 April 2023 8:52

Here's the Follow Up: After my father died, I had forgotten to delete his number (As many have) and the scammers tend to use fake numbers made up of similar numbers to my own. Dad and I had the same first 5 numbers. It was only a matter of time. Oh, it gets better: It happened again TO MY MOTHER whose number is separated by only a single digit.

Unhappy birthday

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 19:00 - Australia

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 109

You deserved it 209

Vinted-ed

By whywouldudothat - 19/04/2020 02:00

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 109

You deserved it 143

By Flandre - 23/12/2018 11:55

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 109

You deserved it 507

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I did a pregnancy announcement with my boyfriend and our families. My boyfriend acted happy until we were driving home, then claimed I pressured him with witnesses, started to cry because he doesn’t want kids, and by the end was begging me to give it up for adoption. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 910

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 540

You deserved it 676

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 897

You deserved it 2 308

Today, my mom sent me a picture of a blank piece of paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 284

You deserved it 3 230

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 013

You deserved it 5 900

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 648

You deserved it 6 057