By "Caroline Ballard Turner"

Chili beans

Today, I woke up to find that there has been a water main break in my neighborhood and there is no running water until the break is located and fixed. I had chili with beans late last night and it is wreaking havoc with my lower gastrointestinal track, and the toilet won't flush. FML

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Vulture

Season finale

Caught red-handed

By tiredmomma - United States - Boston

Today, is my one day off for the week. My mother in law is visiting, and has decided we need to rearrange my living room. FML

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By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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By katshay8

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

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By moviewalker - United States

Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2021 17:00

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Today, my wife told me how she really felt about me, and said she didn't love me anymore. We got married last month. FML

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By Elizabeh - Canada

Today, I fell down a set of stairs while going into my basement. With a horrible pain in my left leg, I called out to my boyfriend to help me. Apparently a commercial about grass was more important. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

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By HowToGetFired - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

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By Fmyhair - Norway

Today, I colored my hair. It was supposed to turn out blonde, but it became more a mix of red and brown and blonde patches. When I tried coloring everything back, a green tint was added. My hair is at the moment red, brown, blonde and green. FML

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By razzmataz - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By spreadburger - United States - Tampa

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

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By jasmith - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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By wronged - Singapore

Today, my extremely paranoid boyfriend called me a whore and threatened to break up with me, all because he had a dream in which I had sex with my ex. I'm still a virgin. FML

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By musicalkitcat - United States

Today, one of my best friends went into labor 14 days early. I'd told my boss previously about this and that I need to be there for my friend as she doesn't really have any family. My boss will not let me leave work to be there. Why? I didn't give enough notice. FML

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By amayasoma - United States - Houma

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

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By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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By Husband

Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML

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By interphaseprophasemetaphase - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

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By grubbieduc - United States

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my 8 year old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child and instead of 'shooting' me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML

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By oh my dad - United States - Florence

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

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By drebel - United States

Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML

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By szechuansauce

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

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By J - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

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By Carrie - France

Today, I'm a medicine student, it's my sixth year, and I have spent the whole day in surgery. No one dared tell me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. Which was embarrassing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

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By babymine - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and a woman's bag started to fall. In the spur of the moment I thrust my arm up to catch it. I didn't catch the bag, but I did catch her boob. I had to sit next to her for the rest of the flight. FML

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By fmylifechelsea - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 02:01

Time to bail

Today, I spent several hours consoling my crying girlfriend. Why was she crying? She had been told to stop 'leading on' a guy at work who has a crush on her. Worse yet, she has a crush on him, thus the crying. Worse still, this isn't the first time. FML

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By onlychild - United States

Today, my sister is working on her graduation speech. She gives her thanks to one friend for helping support her through school, like, "The sister I never had". FML

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By "Auburn_flame"

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

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By ThisBlows - United States

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

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By NoMoney4Me - United States - York

Today, I went for a job interview. Before giving me a tour, the manager pointed to my purse and said, "Better leave that in my office." I didn't know why it was safer in her office than on my shoulder, but I complied. Later, I went to buy coffee and discovered that all my cash was missing. FML

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By delicious - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By CA19oo - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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By hailsatan666 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out through Instagram that the guy I'm dating has a wife and two kids. FML

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By Cake Dreams

Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML

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Top comments

By Olivier Biron | 2

#7869013 - Sunday 22 December 2019 17:20

Just buy jugs of water at the supermarket to fill the toilet tank. The amount of water per flush is written on the toilet. Once it’s filled it will flush just like normal.

By Duc du V. | 23

#7869002 - Sunday 22 December 2019 15:03

May the Force be with you !

COMMENTS

By Duc du V. | 23

#7869002 - Sunday 22 December 2019 15:03

May the Force be with you !

Reply

woresome | 2

#7869014 - Sunday 22 December 2019 17:41

原力与你同在

By Olivier Biron | 2

#7869013 - Sunday 22 December 2019 17:20

Just buy jugs of water at the supermarket to fill the toilet tank. The amount of water per flush is written on the toilet. Once it’s filled it will flush just like normal.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7869049 - Sunday 22 December 2019 21:45

rent a portapotty

By DoctorPALO | 11

#7869056 - Sunday 22 December 2019 22:47

*Tract. You don't know anyone else in your town you could go stay with?

By tounces7 | 27

#7869094 - Monday 23 December 2019 7:00

I'm assuming you mean "won't flush again". Because it will flush the first time with the water that was already in the tank....

Reply

msimms001 | 15

#7869428 - Tuesday 24 December 2019 20:32

if I had to guess "wreck havoc" means more than once