By "Caroline Ballard Turner" - 22/12/2019 14:00

Chili beans

Today, I woke up to find that there has been a water main break in my neighborhood and there is no running water until the break is located and fixed. I had chili with beans late last night and it is wreaking havoc with my lower gastrointestinal track, and the toilet won't flush. FML

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Dangling modifier

Walk on the wild side

Season finale

By Sleepless

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

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By tipmeover - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a job interview at a café. The interviewer asked me my availability and I told her that I was fully flexible. She laughed and said, "Really? That's tragic." FML

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By Michael - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got a brand new down comforter and duvet cover that I really liked. I'd finally managed to put everything the way I wanted it, and then my roommate's dog came and peed all over my bed. FML

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By mpetitto - United States - Fairmont

Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

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By Lara - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

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By dentinpalevo - Cyprus

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

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By OverweightTeen - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By tara - Switzerland - Zug

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

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By Hobbsie - Canada

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

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By LowerCrust - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

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By IamTheSalt

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

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By TakenAdvantageOf

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2019 18:00

It is free

Today, I've decided to pay for sex. Stopped at a hooker and asked how much would it cost for a blowjob. Apparently she was a boy and told me: "If you suck my penis first, it is free". FML

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By sdauner - United States

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after massive bouts of diarrhea, vomiting, and doctor visits lasting weeks, I finally got a diagnosis... from my puppy's vet. I got Giardia from my dog. FML

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By IceWrath - United Kingdom - York

Today, my elderly dad learned how to use Facebook. He now spends most of his time messaging me about his meals, his bowel movements and his foot fungus. He's now learning how to use Skype. FML

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By NotAmericanIdol - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

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By MCKilllerrr - United States

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

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By smyp - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By Bonngoo - United States

Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML

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By Degueusement - France - Puteaux

Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

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By Jenn - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My family put a bouquet of balloons outside my room for me to find when I woke up. I walked out of my room, saw the balloons, screamed, and fell down the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

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By 2old4thiscrap - United States

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my phone stopped charging. I panicked because I can't really afford to get it fixed, and it's too stressful a time at my last semester at university to not have a phone. I took it to the repair shop, and the man turned it off and on again. it works perfectly. I'm a total idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

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By

Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML

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By douglas - United States

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

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By kumbuck3t15 - Mexico - Distrito Federal

Today, I decided I need to get a life. I reached this epiphany when I failed to take notice of my friend calling me, until he started calling out my Xbox gamertag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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Top comments

By Olivier Biron | 2

#7869013 - Sunday 22 December 2019 17:20

Just buy jugs of water at the supermarket to fill the toilet tank. The amount of water per flush is written on the toilet. Once it’s filled it will flush just like normal.

By Duc du V. | 23

#7869002 - Sunday 22 December 2019 15:03

May the Force be with you !

COMMENTS

By Duc du V. | 23

#7869002 - Sunday 22 December 2019 15:03

May the Force be with you !

Reply

woresome | 2

#7869014 - Sunday 22 December 2019 17:41

原力与你同在

By Olivier Biron | 2

#7869013 - Sunday 22 December 2019 17:20

Just buy jugs of water at the supermarket to fill the toilet tank. The amount of water per flush is written on the toilet. Once it’s filled it will flush just like normal.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7869049 - Sunday 22 December 2019 21:45

rent a portapotty

By DoctorPALO | 8

#7869056 - Sunday 22 December 2019 22:47

*Tract. You don't know anyone else in your town you could go stay with?

By tounces7 | 27

#7869094 - Monday 23 December 2019 7:00

I'm assuming you mean "won't flush again". Because it will flush the first time with the water that was already in the tank....

Reply

msimms001 | 15

#7869428 - Tuesday 24 December 2019 20:32

if I had to guess "wreck havoc" means more than once