Today, on Maury… - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 56

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 1 029

Today, on Maury…

By MIA - 15/09/2019 06:03

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 002

You deserved it 159

Dysfunctional

Mama's boy

Mystery message service

09/06/2019 16:11

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 262

12/01/2017 12:33

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 523

You deserved it 575

16/05/2013 16:16

Today, I went to visit my sister, who lives four hours away from me. I'd only just sat down on their couch when her husband told me I needed to leave so they could have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 952

You deserved it 3 572

Mixing it up

By Kayleigh - 16/03/2021 21:59

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his dad's ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 75

I'm not lovin' it

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 14:02

Today, at my new job at McDonald’s, they only had uniform pants in a size 36 or 56, nothing in between. I’m a size 40 so I squeezed into the 36. When I told my supervisor I couldn’t tuck my shirt into the pants like they asked, because I couldn’t close the top button, she told me to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 163

27/01/2014 04:37

Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 076

You deserved it 14 236

27/04/2013 06:33

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 630

You deserved it 79 786

07/09/2014 15:55

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 264

You deserved it 3 805

Scoville scale

By firefire - 30/07/2020 08:01

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 885

You deserved it 277

19/04/2015 13:08

Today, I found out my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with his own brother. I went over to his place and told him everything while his girlfriend was in the same room. He called me a jealous liar who wanted to break them up, and kicked me out while she looked on, smirking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 853

You deserved it 3 398

29/05/2019 12:15

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 144

Thoughts and prayers

By Anonymous - 03/07/2021 18:01

Today, my mom sent me to a counselor she knew "through the church" so that I could get some stressors off my chest. Worst idea ever. This "counselor" invalidated everything I had to say and basically told me to pray the issues away, all while completely ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 84

31/10/2014 23:28

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 758

You deserved it 2 687

28/10/2008 15:57

Spicy

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 773

You deserved it 18 856

12/10/2013 22:03

Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 974

You deserved it 27 501

04/07/2014 17:35

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 937

You deserved it 43 466

05/02/2016 20:08

Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 764

You deserved it 1 704

26/04/2011 23:11

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 622

You deserved it 5 999

02/10/2015 14:22

Spicy

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 604

You deserved it 5 326

10/02/2010 03:32

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 536

You deserved it 3 681

23/02/2009 14:41

Today, I saw a girl texting at school. I told her she might want to put her phone away before she got a detention. She turned around and I saw she was changing her insulin level on her pump. She has diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 842

You deserved it 57 113

12/08/2015 02:23

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 088

You deserved it 4 483

02/04/2012 16:17

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 923

You deserved it 31 445

Lovely bundles of joy

By Anonymous - 12/01/2012 11:54

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 105

You deserved it 3 842

14/09/2015 05:17

Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 042

You deserved it 3 458

10/09/2010 14:56

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 827

You deserved it 4 606

12/10/2015 21:28

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 354

You deserved it 2 961

27/12/2009 08:48

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 881

You deserved it 3 922

20/01/2013 05:01

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 988

You deserved it 3 955

06/04/2011 03:26

Today, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that I experience at my job. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the medication because I do not make enough money at said job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 607

You deserved it 4 280

12/08/2012 05:49

Spicy

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 359

You deserved it 3 445

20/06/2013 06:32

Today, a customer broke my nose for refusing to give him a discount because the product he was buying had a fine layer of dust on the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 993

You deserved it 3 211

Family values

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 12:00

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 588

You deserved it 579

22/08/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 273

You deserved it 678

14/11/2015 09:12

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 599

You deserved it 1 750

11/01/2011 17:59

Spicy

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 341

You deserved it 35 585

They're not real

By Boyufd - 05/11/2020 17:01

Today, my girlfriend, KNOWING I have severe arachnophobia, changed the wallpapers on my phone and tablet to pictures of tarantulas, all because she's mad at me. And she won't change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 327

23/04/2013 23:22

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 194

You deserved it 8 701

Horndogs

By bullah007 - 28/11/2014 18:43

Spicy

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 854

You deserved it 4 402

16/01/2018 15:00

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 984

You deserved it 961

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Top comments

jbuckets_404 38

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Sunday 15 September 2019 9:47

Well, at least he didn't admit to having a 2-yr-old child that you heretofore knew nothing about. However, not trusting you upfront from day one with the news of him already being a father doesn't bode well though.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 15 September 2019 11:53

I see, but the real question is: Are you sure you're not the mother? Hmmmm?

Comments

ViviMage 38

Sunday 15 September 2019 7:09

So he wasn't cheating on you then unless you were dating for those 4 years before marriage. But why wait so long? And wouldn't you notice the child support money by now in the budget??

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Sunday 15 September 2019 9:45

And that’s a bad thing?

Traveling_Book 9

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Sunday 15 September 2019 16:59

Generally secret children are not ideal for a relationship. Just FYI.

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Sunday 15 September 2019 18:27

Major lies like the existence of a human being he created that he's either secretly siphoning money to or not taking care of at all? Yea, that's a bad thing.

Lora Wood 11

Tuesday 17 September 2019 0:57

One other possibility, he had it with a married woman.

jbuckets_404 38

Send a private message

Sunday 15 September 2019 9:47

Well, at least he didn't admit to having a 2-yr-old child that you heretofore knew nothing about. However, not trusting you upfront from day one with the news of him already being a father doesn't bode well though.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Sunday 15 September 2019 11:53

I see, but the real question is: Are you sure you're not the mother? Hmmmm?

silentbabydeer 10

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Sunday 15 September 2019 14:05

I wonder if he had to tell you now before he got hit with child support.

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Sunday 15 September 2019 16:06

For every idiot saying “so what”: HE NEVER TOLD HER HE HAD A CHILD. They are married, been together for years, and he never told her. You’d be ok with your spouse keeping their children a secret from you? That’s messed up.

Send a private message

Sunday 15 September 2019 18:26

Time to leave. Not because of the son, because of the lie. If he's willing and able to disregard his son and hide his existence, then either his son doesn't matter to him or you don't. Either way, you don't need a man like that fathering your children.

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Sunday 15 September 2019 20:05

I agree that the deception was wrong, but from one sentence, you don't know for a fact that he disregarded his son. He could have been making secret child support payments and furtive visits. Not likely I know, but my point is don't assume.

ThatOneLonelyAsian 31

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Sunday 15 September 2019 19:00

plot twist: the child is actually yours

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Sunday 15 September 2019 19:24

I'm pretty sure she'd know if the child was hers or not because you'd have a bun in your oven for 9 months unless you believe in stork delivery.

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Monday 16 September 2019 19:15

*whoosh*

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Sunday 15 September 2019 20:00

Not good, but it could be worse. He could have been your husband of eight years telling you he has a four year old son.

Major_Haywire 7

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Monday 16 September 2019 2:51

She doesn’t actually say when he found out. It could have been recent if the mother didn’t tell him and now needs support

ViviMage 38

Monday 16 September 2019 15:52

The mother has until the child turns 18 to report the birth to the father to collect child support payments. And you're right, they may have lost contact and he didn't know himself he fathered a son from an old relationship.